Does my dad need to take anger management classes?

Question

Okay, so about ten minutes ago my dad comes storming in my room, yelling and accusing me of losing his keys. Prior to this, i had borrowed his keys to fetch something from the car. I thought i had put the keys on the dining table but I checked the car again and found them lying on the seats. But before I found them, my father had literally followed me around the house, asking over and over where his keys were, telling me that he couldn't trust me, and saying how stupid I was for losing them. This always happens in different situations and It doesn't make me feel good about myself. My mom isn't always around when he throws a fit and I don't know how to react. What can i do to alleviate these problems? Should my dad see a therapist or at least take anger management classes? Do they help?

Answer 1

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It probably has nothing to do with you, like most abusers, he often feels justified by blaming you or blaming the anger itself for making him treat you this way. Truth is, that since he doesn't treat everyone else this way, there is no excuse for treating you this way. He needs someone that he can get away with picking on because it makes him feel bigger somehow.

Since you can't change other people, the only thing you can do is protect yourself from the verbal and potential physical abuse due to his anger. You need a safety plan which includes knowing when and how to leave the situation when it hits the fan, and knowing how to get help quickly if you ever need it. Not just 911 but someone nextdoor very nearby who is willing to take you in immediately if you find yourself in crisis. From there you can involve authorities, or find a more permanent arrangements with a friend or family member, youth shelter, whatever, or return when it is safe to do so.

The reason I say this is, even if you don't feel like you are in danger, you could be. Just because there has been any physical violence doesn't mean you aren't being victimized. This can damage you psychologically, and have lasting affects on how you look for love from men in the future. Plus, violence is an addictive energy that sometimes needs to be increased if it is to be satisfying to the abuser. In other words yelling might help him cope for now, but maybe not always, next time who knows? It tends to escalate from psychological (isolation, manipulation, control) to verbal (humiliation, shame, insults, raging) to physical (hitting, shoving, kicking, throwing things, using weapons). So left unchecked the situation is very likely, statistically proven to be headed toward getting worse, not better.

SO. Get yourself a safety plan and get help to stay safe, whether he chooses to get help or not. If he doesn't, well, then, as much as you love him, avoiding him as much as possible is likely the safest choice you have.

I'm sure somewhere in there is a man who is really hurting and doesn't know how to express it. He does love you as hard as it is to imagine, most parents are damn near incapable of not loving their own children. So I don't want to demonize your dad. Myself, I grew up with an alcoholic dad...abuse, domestic violence, shame, guilt, worry, and I lost him too early, when he was 58 from long term affects of abusing alcohol. But there were good times as well, he came around and so did I...so let's not call your dad a monster and there is hope that your dad will change when he starts losing people in his life due to his actions. My dad wasn't a monster either, and no addict is. (I would classify this as an addictive behavior...if your dad really could stop with better skills, etc he would, I'm sure of it.) Still you have to protect yourself with boundaries about how you will be affected by his problem, otherwise you become a victim of it. And if you have to remove yourself from the situation to keep from being abused, then this is what needs to happen.

The problem with telling your dad what to do in this situation is worthless. He will need to be left with no options but to change. In some ways your dad needs to lose you in order to decide he wants you back. As is, he treats you this way because he can because so far, you have done little if anything to stop it. This isn't saying you deserve it, please don't misunderstand. I'm saying that up to now, since he keeps getting to do these things without any negative consequences, he continues to do them. What you need to do at some point is set the expectation: This is how I deserve to be treated. I can't change you but I intend to keep myself safe from any kind of abuse.

Take care, I will be praying for peace in your family.

Answer 2

It sure sounds like he needs to relax some more, when was the last time he had a break from work? People tend to act like he does when they have issues at work and they take it out on the people they love most. Talk to him when he is level headed and tell him you want to improve the father daughter relationship and suggest u do the classes together. This way he sees that he is at fault and you forgive him. If he has a firearm make sure that he gets re-evaluated to see if he is fit for one.

Answer 3

Your dad does have an anger problem. I hate people who yell also. Yes he probably should take an anger management class but I am sure he won't. He also does need to see a therapist. He is sure dealing with some issues that have nothing to do with you.

Good luck to you.

Answer 4

Your Dad should see a therapist and also take anger management classes. Do not suggest this to him, because he will get angry.

Answer 5

Sounds like my dad a little. You need to talk to him about it and how it hurts your feelings when he does do that. Also tell him that your not perfect and everyone makes mistakes even him.

Answer 6

You should tell you're dad how he makes you feel when he acts like that. How would he feel if you threw a fit everytime you didn't get you're way.

Answer 7

chill out. dads can be like this most of the time, my dad can be like tht too. they are probably stressed from work, and bills and everything. just give em some time to relax :]

Answer 8

Well, my suggestion is avoid him as much as you can. Try not to ask too much from him. And, yes, he should get some therapy to deal with his issues in life.