Why won't Boyfriend wont say I Love You back? And how do I get out of a friends-with-benefits arrangement?

Question

My boyfriend and I have dated for 4 years, and we have been off and on a lot. Recently I told him that I wanted to get married and he said that we shouldn't because we fight a lot. So I told him that I just wanted to be friends then. After I said that we got back together again and when I told him I loved him he wouldn't say it back. I talked to him about it after that and I told him, "If thats how you feel (that you don't love me) then dont call me again." He called me three times after that but never said I Love You and I wouldn't say it because I didn't want him to not say it back and feel hurt again. Do you think that he's just trying to have a friends-with-benefits thing going on? And if so how do I get out of that situation?

Thank you all for your awnsers to my first question, they were very informative. We've been together for about 4 years now, and I've broken up with him so many times that I don't think he even takes me serious anymore. I don't know how to brake up with him and stick with it. He has been the one calling me after I brake up with him and saying how he misses me and stuff like that to get me back.

Answer 1

I'm jumping in because, with a couple of notable exceptions, theres a lot of immature kneejerk sexist crap in the answers above. I'm not taking sides between you -you might both be jerks- I'm just saying you'll *never* know what happened if you don't do something positive.

The key to any relationship is communication.
Americans suck at it, and you and your boyf are both screwing it up.

If you want to know what hes trying to do, asking a bunch of other people isn't going to tell you anything. Getting into honest communication with him will.
and thats going to take some healing. You can't threaten someone into marrying you (and would you honestly want someone who'd do it for that reason?)

You must have hurt him when you broke up with him. It sounds like you punished him for being honest about his feelings and fears. You probably owe him an apology.
Worse, *you* are the one who set up the friends-with-benefits thing, so blaming it on him is not going to help.

playing passive-agressive games with the I-love-yous (which you're both now doing) isn't helping either.

However, the root of this appears to be the assumption that arguments means you shouldn't be together.
You should find out if thats the main reason. I don't know the guy, he could be using it as an excuse. But I do know hes not going to bare his inmost soul to you while you're trying to blackmail him and push him around. what sane person would?

If thats the real crux, then you should *both* do some research on communication in relationships, maybe even counselling. learn about how to 'fight fair' (otherwise known as debating). healthy debate is good for any relationship, even when it gets raw emotions out in the open.
being afraid of this = being afraid of honest friendship.
no two people can agree all the time. people who claim to are *lying* and thats not healthy at all.

sometimes, crappy communication skills can drag out a single basic disagreement into scads of intermittent arguments, that feels like *arguing all the time*.

So, you can either do the work together to clean up this mess and find out if the thing you've spent four years on is worth saving, or you can bail and start over - and make the same mistakes with someone else if you haven't learned from this.

Answer 2

Have you ever taken the time to evaluate the situation? One thing with men is,that they are in a relationship and really care about the other person but then the girl moves to fast and it scares the guy.You know?, right now you have thrown two major life changing sceranois his way.Some people don't take that stuff seriously but love is very serious and in order for it to be serious it has to be honest and it has to be love for the right reasons.Marriage is definitely life changing and it's hard work 24/7 ,it doesn't get a day off or a call in sick or vacation day.And maybe just maybe he is taking that into consideration.Now are you showing that you love him by getting mad at him because he didn't say it back?If he is concerned that you two fight to much, you guys need to work on that before talking about marriage.You can't make someone feel bad for not feeling the same way or needing time to collect his thoughts.In marriage you can't get mad at your husband and want a divorce .From what you tell me i don't think your ready for marriage.You need to get your relationship in order now .I highly doubt he sees you as a friend with benefits,because if he did he wouldn't have called you back.The last thing you would want is "sympathy love"Which is when someone loves you and you might care alot about them but don't love so you tell them you love them so you won't hurt their feelings.I hope everything works out ,keep me updated i'm always here if you need me.

Answer 3

first of all don't tell her all of this..haha it might freak her out a little bit especially from what you're saying that she's said. I suggest maybe inviting her to a movie or dinner, where you two can be alone and not at another party! this gives you the opportunity to actually be alone with her and converse with it just being you two. I can see by the things you say you really care for her so you're going to have to be patient to make this work. Just take things slow and show her that she can trust you..maybe she's had a bad relationship in the past? just be there for her and make her fall in love with you! the best of luck to you!

Answer 4

Let me get this straight... you've been off and on for four years, you say that you love this guy but when he didn't want to marry you, you wanted to be friends? If you really loved this guy, if you were close enough to get married, why would you ever want to be friends with him? He either gives you what you deserve, or you walk! After four years, you either can't live a day without each other or you move on. If BOTH of you aren't willing to live with what you have together for the rest of your life, then you're wasting your time because nothing is going to change after four years. Also, you can never be "just friends" with someone that you love for four years.

When you told him not to call back unless he'd say he loves you, then he called and you didn't make sure he'd say it, you let him walk all over you. If you want to be able to have control in a relationship you have to be able to walk away whenever you're not getting what you're worth. If your not with a guy who loves you and makes it clear to you every day, then you deserve better. How do you get out of this situation? You call him and tell him that you deserve someone who truly loves you and say goodbye. Period. End of Story. It might be hard to do now but it will save you from more heartache down the road.

Answer 5

It seems like he doesn't care about you anymore. Relationships get dull with time, and most can get their spark back. However, it seems like this is not your situation, if he can't even say I Love You, then you know it's over. Men aren't really like women, they won't continue to say things like I Love You if they don't mean it. That's why he won't say it.

I think it's time to move on. I don't thing friends with benefits is such a good idea b/c of you past. You have too much history together, and you can never be just friends, especially if you bring sex into it. Emotions will run too high.

Just cut all ties. Don't answer your phone. It's going to be difficult, but you need to do it. It's obvious he doesn't want to marry you and doesn't love you anymore. So why are sticking around. Go find someone who is willing to love you.

Answer 6

Easy. Draw a line and don't let him cross it. Stop sleeping with him. NO EXCEPTIONS. Honestly, if you've been on & off for 4 years and he can't say three little words, he's not worth the time & effort anymore. Either he doesn't love you or he's just the weirdest person in history. This isn't love, hun. This isn't how a healthy relationship is suppose to work. He's using you and you're allowing him to. End it. No long conversations or anything, just ignore him. If you feel tempted to talk to him, remember how crappy you felt when he didn't say "I love you" back after you said it.

You need to look at his actions, not at what he's not saying here. He's screaming that he doesn't care about you enough to treat you right. Time to find someone who knows how awesome you really are and isn't afraid to show it.

Answer 7

It is not the worst thing in the world for a guy to be honest. If he told you that you guys should not get married because of the fighting then maybe you should try to work on that. As far as him not telling you that he loves you it may be his way of protecting himself. He obviously cares for you since you have been together for 4 years. You may have hurt him when you blew up and told him that you wanted to be friends because you could not immediately get your way. Maybe it was hard for him to invest feelings into you in the first place and for you to just cut him off like that had to be hard. If he is just trying to be friends with benefits then cut him off completely. You guys have too many emotions invested in this relationship to go there.

Answer 8

He sounds ambivalent at best. Listen, after four years this guy should know whether or not he loves you. I'd say after four months really. You definitely don't want to hear it if it is not the case from him, that would make him a liar. An ambivalent liar is worse. Read Greg Behrendt's book, "He's Just Not That Into You." You deserve a guy who is into you and loves you to pieces, not a guy you are invested in, sleeping with, and love who does not give you what you obviously want. Treat yourself like the worthwhile person you are and move on to find yourself first, then a man who is worthy of your love and devotion. You can do it, lots of us have. Don't settle for less.

Answer 9

Well there's a huge problem when you say that you two have been off and on for 4 years. There's a reason for that. Move on and get over him. Just tell him that you don't want to do this anymore and then forget him.

Answer 10

maybe he is just unexpressive, some people are like that. but how can he be your boyfriend if you don't know that he loves you. gmaster is right. but your boyfriend is right also, about not getting married, because it is hard to be in a marriage when you and your spouse never get along. but try not responding to him whenever he tries to reach you, maybe he'll get into his senses and tell you i love you or his reasons for not saying so, or you'll find out if he really wants to be in a relationship with you or not.