He throws fits when I tell him no, when its time for bed, and any time he doesn't get his way! He has been doing this since he was about 3 and they haven't gotten better. He doesn't ever throw himself down and kick, he just cries. What really scares me is a couple times when he has been sent to his room, he mentioned killing himself. He had a friend (his age) die of cancer 2 years ago, so maybe thats where that comes from. We have tried everything; grounding him, ignoring him, (I don't agree) but yes we have also spanked him. He doesn't throw fits at school, or around his friends. He is a straight "A" student and his teacher is shocked when I ask about fits? I am so worried because his sister is ADHD, my mother is bipolar and my nephew is depressed, my sister has OCD. So yes "problems" run in my family. Please tell me he will out grow this!!
2007-02-20 15:14:00 · 12 answers · asked by Teena S 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Grade-Schooler
Hi. Sorry you're going through this, and I'm sorry you got such horrible answers from others! I'm a behavior therapist, so my job is to help parents like you modify their children's behavior. Chances are, you're not implementing consequences appropriately or consistently! Number one mistake parents make. Typically, parents try to implement something for a few days, see no changes, and give up. That won't work. You have to implement a behavior plan effectively and consistently. Something is reinforcing his tantrums, and chances are it's something you're doing since they're not occuring in other environments. I can give you some info on behavior plans for tantrumming, but I need a bit more info! If you would like, you can instant message me. awsxyscorp. But don't bother taking him to the doctor. They will just medicate him, and that will not fix the behavior problems. There's no quick fix; it takes time and energy from you.
2007-02-20 18:41:30 · answer #1 · answered by awsxyscorp 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe something is making him angry, besides the triggers. Anything can take you over the edge if something is constantly nagging at you. If it is something physical, he may not be able to communicate his problem to you.
He might be so accustomed to throwing a fit to get his way or to get your attention that he knows no other way to interact. Think about your usual reactions when he throws a tantrum. The next time he pulls one, do something totally different. UNreact. This will take the wind out of his sails. He won't know how to act if you do not react. He might just sit down in total frustration or confusion.
Look at the triggers. Change up the way you send him to bed. Make it something important he has to do, like helping a younger sibling get his pajamas out. Change the way you tell him no.
It doesn't have to be black and white, just give him two good choices and let him be a part of the decision making process.
Find a quiet time, when he is not upset. Make an effort to meet his comforts. Tuck a blanket around him, fluff a pillow. Then sit close by and ask him if he is happy. Ask him if something or someone is bothering him. He needs your help, and as his parent you probably feel frustrated and guilty that you haven't been able to help him yet. It's not your fault. You can't read his mind. But you can guide him with quiet questions and tender love. Communication can heal lots of sore spots.
2007-02-20 23:31:54 · answer #2 · answered by Konswayla 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The fact that he doesn't throw these kind of fits with other adults such as teachers should let you know that it is related to the dynamic you have already set up with him. He knows he can get away with this type of behavior with you. It is going to take a long time to undo what has been occurring for years, but now is the time to re-establish that you are the parent and he is the child.
This means you are going to have to choose which way you are going to discipline him, whether that be being sent to the room or having something taken away. Once you choose your form of punishment I would sit and have a talk with him before he throws a fit and let him know that you are no longer going to tolerate this kind of behavior and when he does this, this is the form of punishment that he can expect. When he does throw his next tantrum, you apply the discipline and DO NOT relent no matter how much he cries. If he starts to talk of killing himself again, in a stern voice you tell him he is not allowed to say such things and that type of talk is never permitted.
While you're problem seems out of control for you, it can be quite simply resolved: Become the parent, be firm, and follow through. He will be resistent at first because this type of "mother/child" relationship is different from what he already knows, but in time he will learn that he is going to have to change, because he is no longer able to manipulate you as he has done in the past. He will learn now, that good behavior gets positive results.
Put your foot down now, and re-establish your control as a mother before he gets older and has the potential to really be out of control. At 8, he still has no choice but to live by the rules you establish for him.
2007-02-21 03:25:20 · answer #3 · answered by gg55 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If this has been going on since he was 3, then the unfortunate death of his friend at age 6 doesn't seem to be where it's coming from, unless by that statement you meant he knew it upset you that the other child died and he's using that to pull your chain, too?
His teacher was shocked when you asked her about fits, he's a straight-A student, and he doesn't throw fits at school or around his friends. He only throws these fits around you and only when he doesn't get his way.
He doesn't do anything during these fits that would harm himself; in other words, he's punishing someone, but it isn't himself.
Of course, without a competent child psychologist evaluating him, he cannot be diagnosed properly regardless of the other diagnoses carried by members of your family. However, if he were ADHD, he wouldn't be a straight-A student; it's very unusual for a child his age to be OCD; bipolarism is usually not diagnosed until a person is well into their teens; and, depression symptoms would be present in all aspects of his life ~ they wouldn't be manifesting only around you and only when he doesn't get his way.
I don't, in any way, mean to sound rude or cruel, but sometimes it is difficult to say what needs to be said without just blurting it out. What it sounds like is that your son is very, very smart and has outsmarted you for about 5 years now.
No, he will not outgrow this. Why would he? He quite apparently has a good thing going! Somewhere **you** are giving in, and have been doing so for 5 years, or this behavior wouldn't have continued. These behaviors will just continue but, as he grows older, he will up the stakes; he will figure out faster what really pulls your chain and those will be the new threats, whether it's "I'll run away" or "I hate you" or "You'll be sorry one day when I'm dead." Face it, ma'am, he has your number and he has it down good.
So you need to step outside yourself, pretend it is someone else's child you are looking at and consider his 5 years of episodes and very, very clearly look at yourself and identify where *you* are letting him get away with this. A grounding here and there, one spanking, and a few attempts at ignoring him is not going to do anything to stop 5 years of training. And he has you very well trained.
My son will be 28 this fall, but he threw fits, too, when he was 2-3 years old. My pediatrician told me to half-fill a glass with tepid water and to calmly carry the water and a towel out to where he was throwing the fit; very calmly pour the water over his head and, when he stopped sputtering, hand him the towel and quietly tell him to clean his mess up and then walk off. He said each tantrum should be handled exactly the same; no exceptions. It took exactly 2 times for the tantrums to stop.
Alternatively, if you don't mind embarrassing yourself, you could throw one of his fits in front of his friends the next time they are visiting your house and he asks for something. *LOL* His friends might not want to come back for a while but, when he demands to know why you did it, you can say in a very genuine voice "Oh, dear. Did that bother you? I didn't think it would bother you since you do it to me all the time."
2007-02-20 23:47:43 · answer #4 · answered by just common sense 5 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You say he's been having "fits" for 5 years? Stop making excuses for this kid! He doesn't need a doctor. You do! He knows how to act, he has proven so at school. He is taking advantage of your permissive parenting. Make him stop tantruming immediately. You can do it. Just refuse to accept that kind of behavior by telling him exactly that. Don't just "ignore" him, then he will feel obligated to escalate the tantrum. Tell him to stop it immediately, or he will lose ___________ for the rest of the day. Whatever he likes to do, deprive him of it for a reasonably short time...if the tantrums continue, isolate him for increasing time periods. This should work. Be firm and don't make excuses for him. The crying at bedtime is a separate issue. He might be afraid. Leave a TV or a light on. Don't make him more fearful, but use some adult judgement here...is he just trying to stay up later, or is he really terrified?
2007-02-21 00:51:35 · answer #5 · answered by bayou1972 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
He is 5 years into this behavior and you now want to stop it? A child will only act up where they are allowed to act up.Im sure you have taken care of the problem with each and every single fit he has thrown,right? I dont think you have.He knows he is not allowed to act like that in school so he wont.I dont think he needs a doctor,I think he needs a daily routine including chores.Do not reward him for his chores and good behavior.Instead let him know how proud of him you are.Smile when you say it,hug him and start going out more as a family.
2007-02-20 23:43:17 · answer #6 · answered by darlene100568 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Maybe you should spend more one on one time with him. Sounds like he's craving attention. Talk to him and be his friend. Make him understand that bedtime is bedtime. Let him know you are the boss, and you wont have him throwing tantrums.
This is ridiculous that it's gone to age 8. There may be some problem, but I think it stems from you.
2007-02-20 23:21:00 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
The best thing to do, given your family history, is to have him tested.I can see 3yr olds doing the crying thing but 8 yr olds I don't think so, even though they are begining to test boundaries, they mostly talk back and disobey but every child is different,it is better to know for sure what's going on with your child then you can go from there.
2007-02-20 23:31:19 · answer #8 · answered by Georgewasmyfavorite 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Did you always tell him no when he wanted something? I have a freind whos son use to do that all the time when we went shopping. She always broke down and bought him what he wanted. I told her that she had to stop doing that. I told her to try and avoid the toy and candy aisles. He never really grew out of it. Have you talked to his doctor about this?
2007-02-20 23:26:28 · answer #9 · answered by Joan G 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yes you should.don`t let your eight year old child throw fits at you
2007-02-21 00:24:21 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋