Any good jokes?

Question

I had a really boring day and I need a really good joke to cheer me up!!!!!! Please respond. ; D

Answer 1

What did the blonde get on her SAT?
Nail Polish!

Answer 2

The new Priest:
The new priest at his first mass was so afraid he could hardly speak. So, before his second week, he asked his monsignor how he could relax. The monsignor told him it might help him relax if he put martinis in the water pitcher and, after a few sips he should relax. The next week the young priest followed instructions and really talked up a storm. After the sermon he asked his superior how he had done. The monsignor replied, "Fine, but there are a few things you should keep in mind before you address the congregation again."
1) Next time, sip the martinis, don't gulp them by the glassful
2) There are 10 Commandments, not 12
3) There are 12 Disciples, not 10
4) David slew Goliath, he didn't kick the **** out of him
5) We don't refer to our Savior Jesus Christ and his disciples as "J.C. and the boys."
6) Next Sunday there is a Taffy Pulling Contest at St. Peters, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffys
7) We do not refer to the Cross as the big "T"
8) The Father, Son and Holy Ghost are never referred to as "Big Daddy, Junior, and The Spook"
9) And last, but not least, it is the Virgin Mary, NOT, "Mary with the Cherry"

Answer 3

A Filipino Applies for a Job at Wal-Mart.

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to
fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four
people who were equally qualified -- an American, a Russian, an Australian
and a Filipino. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine who of them would get the job. The day
came and as the four sat around the
conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you
know?" Dave, the American, replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head.
There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And
now you sir?" he asked Vladimir , the Russian. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink!
It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the
fastest thing I know." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an
eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." He then turned to George, the
Australian who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch,
you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you
flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on.
Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had
found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.
Turning to Eleuterio, the Filipino, the fourth and final man, the interviewer
posed the same question. Eleuterio replied, "Apter herring da 3 preybyus
ansers sir, et's obyus to me dat the fastest thing is Diarrhea." "WHAT!?"
said the interviewer, stunned by the response. The others were already
giggling in their seats..."Oh, I can expleyn sir,." said Eleuterio. " You
see, sir, da ader day my tummy was peeling bad and so I run so fast to the
CR, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, 'pambihira, sir, I
had alreydi **** in my pants!"

Eleuterio is now the new "Greeter" at Wal-Mart.

Answer 4

An old man eats a box of Viagra and dies.
The neighbours call the widow about when the burial would be.
"as soon as they can close the coffin"-she says.

Answer 5

A blonde was swimming in a pool and there was a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool 2mins later.......
CPR

Answer 6

A blonde keeps walking down her drive to her mail box.

She keeps doing this until her neighbour asks her why she is doing that.

The blonde replies "My computer keeps telling me that i've got mail".

~~~~~

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that.......

* she called me to get my phone number.

* she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."

* she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.

*she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.

*she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

*she tried to drown a fish.

*she thought a quarterback was a refund.

*she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

*she tripped over a cordless phone.

*she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

*she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.

*she studied for a blood test.

*she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.

*when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

*when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

*when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home

~~~~

Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

Got excited because she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said "2 to 4 years"

Couldn't call 911 because there was no 11 on any phone button.

When asked what the capital of California was; answered "C".

Baked a turkey for 3 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 125.

After losing in a breaststroke swimming competition, complained that the other swimmers were using their arms.

~~~~

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."

~~~~

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"


~~~~

Did you hear about the blonde who took a book out of the library called How to Hug, only to discover that it was volume seven of the encyclopedia?



~~~~

blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while she's deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up.

The blonde looks up and notices the waitress's name tag on her shirt.

"Gee, that's nice. What did you name the other one?"

~~~

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves.

They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.

The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands.

They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion, �Okay, we'll give him one more try.

We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!�

Answer 7

there are three kids one named petal one named rose and one named cinderblock. so petal goes up to her dad and say daddy why did you name me petal he says cause when you were born a petal was dropped on your head rose asks that to and her dad says cause a rose was dropped on ur head cinderblock goes up and asks and his dad says derrrr!

Answer 8

(no offense either like whoa)
Yo momma so poor she cant even aford free stuff!

Answer 9

here's a good " yo mama's fat" joke. yo mama's so fat she was born on january first and second.

Answer 10

no offense
"your mom is so ugy she makes blind kids cry"