ok my life is a mess. i have a son from a previous relationship who is 7. i have been with my husband for 3 years and we have a 2 year old daughter. we do not have the best relationship and we have separated twice and he is in the process of getting me go go back.
i dont know what i want honestly just for my kids to be happy. my son doesnt like my husband and he doesnt want him around. hubby says b/c he doesnt like disipline which may be true but should i really put my child in a place where he isnt happy to let my daughter have parents that are together?
2007-02-20 10:39:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
I'm going to be honest because that's what you asked for, so don't shoot me.
I've been a single dad and through divorce and separation before - it sucks. You're on #2 now with kids from each. It's time for you to sit back, stop and think about your life choices very carefully. Producing fatherless children is not a good plan.
First - both you and many here are referring to you being "happy" as if that is the end all and be all of marriage. It isn't. Being happy is one important aspect of a healthy marriage, but we don't run from a relationship just because we're aren't happy. Also it is not your partner's responsibility to make you happy - that's your choice.
I suggest that you both seek counseling. Not ordinary marriage counseling, but individual counseling so you guys can figure out how to put each other and your kids first, ahead of your own selfish desires, wants and needs. Marriage is hard work and love is a verb - not simply a feeling. It requires that you both sit down, choose to stop reacting to each other and learn how to communicate and compromise for the sake of your babies. If they're going to grow up emotionally strong and stable, they need a stable family - not a mom who is going to cut and run every time she's not happy and doesn't work to fix the problems in a marriage.
You can't control what your husband chooses to do, but you can make changes in yourself which hopefully will have a positive impact on him and your children.
2007-02-20 11:08:34 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Raising children is not about you being happy. It is about them being happy.
Your son probably does not appreciate your husband disciplining him. Especially since he is in and out of your sons life. I had a hard time dealing with my stepfather - I can imagine that it would have been worse if he had moved out twice. The fact of the matter is that little boys need fathers. In 20 years he will have benefited more by having a dad in the home than by not. Children are not suppose to get along with parents, they are suppose to love and respect them. He is probably also taking a lot of cues from you. Children can sense tension and stress in their parents. If this man is stepping up and being a father to him, there is nothing more admirable.
Your daughter needs her father as well. Fathers give their daughters a sense of self worth that they can not get any place else. I know too many teenage girls running around dressing slutty and misbehaving. Why, most the time it is because mom is at work trying to support them and dad does not live at home. There is no greater gift that you can give your children other than raising them in a home with two loving parents.
I have been married for 10 years. I have a son from a previous relationship and 2 little girls with my husband. We split up twice. It was terrible. My son would not listen to my husband and was misbehaving at school. We both decided that we were going to stick it out no matter what. We felt that we owed it to the kids and we made a promise infront of God that neither of wanted to break. Not to mention that we loved eachother, we just did not always like eachother.
You obviously keep getting back together for a reason. What are those reasons? Love? If you have love and respect then you can get all the other things you need if you are both willing to really work at it.
Now obviously there are times when you should run from a marriage, for example abuse of you or the kids, drugs ect.. If there is none of that what is holding you back? That he is insensative, that you do not like the same things, money, sex? Every couple fights about this stuff. Fighting is just miscommunication run by emotion. Stop yelling and talk - do not stop talking, ever. Spend time alone. Do not stop having sex, it makes you both more relaxed.
I think that way too many people give up on marriage, as soon as it gets hard they just divorce. I am from a broken home and it is not fun for the kids. I am not saying it is easy to be married - it has been anything but. However I can say now that I am happily married.
Also I find that being surrounded by negative people does not help. If you have people in your ear telling you that you should split up and he is an idiot then you will have that in your head.
Whatever you decide I wish you luck.
2007-02-21 00:06:17 · answer #2 · answered by chanajane3 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
My opinion on this is that even though your daughter would probably benefit from her real parents being together, if the relationship between you and the father, and the father and son is not stable, it could end up hurting your daughter more. I would rather have had my parents split up and see them separately than have them together and fighting or sad. She's young enough to adjust easily. I would also find out what type of punishment your husband is giving your son and why. If it's just the son over reacting, then you still have his and your issues to work out.
all in all, if things aren't that good, it's probably better to split and head towards a happier life for your kids and especially you. Good luck.
2007-02-21 15:05:59 · answer #3 · answered by Angela P 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you've already separated twice in 3 years it's highly unlikely that a reconciliation will be successful this time. You aren't happy and your son isn't happy, and your daughter is really too young to have an opinion on the whole thing. I think the most important thing you can give your children is a happy mother and a stable home. You aren't giving them either of these things with this man. My suggestion is to not keep yoyoing back and forth and make a new life for you and your children, and leave the 'man factor' out of it.
2007-02-20 18:52:53 · answer #4 · answered by endorable 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're his mom so you have to make the call. Your daughter deserves to have two stable parents around the same way any kid does. Your son deserves to have two stable parents around too. Will staying with your current husband give your kids what they deserve? If you think it could get back together and work things out.
I wouldn't consider unhappiness a reason not to try. Abuse is a reason not to try but not unhappiness.
2007-02-20 18:49:49 · answer #5 · answered by Critter 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The best possible ways is to try to talk to the kid. Assure him that your hobby likes him and that your son should look at him as his own dad and abide by his rules. You don't want your son to end up in where ever. If possible take your son to a psycologist and let the professioanl talk to him and make the anger let out.
2007-02-20 18:49:57 · answer #6 · answered by mahnazb 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you aren't happy then staying isn't the thing to do. Staying together for the kids isn't always the best. Just really think about what you want and what would be best for you and your kids. Only you can decide. Good Luck!
2007-02-20 19:16:26 · answer #7 · answered by doodersmom 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Although I believe it's very important to discipline children, I would be hesitant about getting back together "just for the kids". To me, it would be better to be single and lonely, than married and miserable. This is not just for the kids.....but it's for you too. They'll be able to deal with anything, they're young. But you also have to be happy. Think about it......best of luck to you.
2007-02-20 18:50:35 · answer #8 · answered by cajunrescuemedic 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You need to consider both of your children. If you and your husband are always fighting then you have to think if it really is good to have your daughters parents together and both of your children seeing that all the time. Is that really healthy for them? Also is it healthy for you. Sometimes as mothers we always want to do what is best for our children and sometimes that means sacrificing everything for them. But a lot of times we also have to think of ourselves.
2007-02-20 18:45:46 · answer #9 · answered by I smile because of them ♥ 5 · 2⤊ 0⤋
NO.
You aren't going to be happy and your children will pick up on this. If you keep going back, he will get worse and worse, your son will grow up thinking it is okay to be manipulative towards women and your daughter will think it's okay to be a doormat where men are concerned.
If you want your children to be happy, bring them up yourself.
2007-02-20 18:48:49 · answer #10 · answered by ♥Pamela♥ 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋