We adopted her from my cousin who was having drug and alcohol problems. She was two when we adopted her. She does not speak of her birth parents and I am not sure if she remembers them. Her birth parents are claiming they are sober now and seem to want to see her, although they have not made any indications that they want her back.
2007-02-20 09:22:58 · 13 answers · asked by Wondering 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Toddler & Preschooler
Start referring to yourself not as mom, but as your proper name. tell her stories about her actual mom...
... it will eventually click with her, someone else is her biological mother.
2007-02-20 09:30:58 · answer #1 · answered by Pedro Sanchez 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Look, this is not easy but you can always tell her that she has two moms and two dads. The ones who had her and the ones who she lives with! It is easier to explain from the get go because as time goes by and they get older you can explain in more detail the story of how she ended up living with you and your wife and how she is special to have so many people that care for her!!
I plan to adopt and will let kids know the truth, although the choice is yours. In this case since they are family, you can discuss the fact that they were not sober and you are now the Dad and your wife the Mom. If they have no plans to get her back, then they can be Aunty and Uncle to her but if they plan to make drama by trying to get her back in the future, just go with the advice above.
In the end the only one that will really get hurt is your daughter, so make sure tell her before anyone else or she finds out on her own to avoid a war!!
2007-02-20 09:50:37 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
As an adoptee and a mother, I would recommend around the age of 5-6 unless your child begins to ask questions regarding the natural parents before that age. Since the natural parents are still in your lives, that is very likely to happen. My daughter is 5 1/2 years old right now and I know that she would have an understanding of what it means to be adopted.
I can not tell you when I was told I was adopted it was just something I have always known. Every adoptee's and family's situation is different and how it is handled at an early age will determine how they adjust throughout life. In my opinion, there is no right or wrong time but the earlier the better. There are many stories of LDA's (late discovery adoptee's) online, late discovery does not have mean that they are adults when they find out. Try to imagine finding out your life is not what it seems at various ages throughout your life. Most would feel that they have been lied to, not protected. Best of luck in whatever decision you make and love and enjoy your child now, they do grow up fast!
2007-02-20 10:46:51 · answer #3 · answered by Devin's mom 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am a adopted child and I was made aware of it when I was 5. My Mom wasn't able to have kids of her own so she of course adopted. When I was 5 they were ready to adopt again and sat me down & explained that in a couple of days we would be going to pick up my new baby brother. I of course was confused as I had been exposed to pregnant women & knew that babies came from these women & knew my Mom wasn't at all big like the pregnant people I had seen.
This is when she explained to me that she couldn't make her own babies and there was an opportunity for them to have a baby without getting pregnant. I thought this was great...you can have a baby without getting fat!!
It wasn't until I was a little older that I fully understood. But at least I had the background knowledge of where I came from.
If I was in your shoes I'd start to talk about your cousin around your child, a 3 year old is incapable of processing anyone else as their parents. When you play start introducing the adoption thing into it. (example: the Mommy & Daddy stuffed animal really wants a baby but can't have one themself...they would have to adopt one from another toy)
Right know you are her Mom & Dad and that is what the child knows. My son has 4 sets of Grandparents & finally understands this...how come they are his grandparents is beyond him though and he is 3 as well.
Good luck & do what is right for the child above anything else.
2007-02-20 12:41:08 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am assuming that you have an open adoption and is actually an adoption not foster or guardianship situation.
As an adoptive parent with little ones as well older ones we find it is best to let them decide when to be told. Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for and they do know what is going on. They don't always know the details but they don't always need to. Terms like natural or birth parent are useful because lets face if your the one up at night when they are sick or at ball game you are the real parent. Your the one that helps them learn and that they look up to. Believe they know what is going on and you don't need to compound their problems with confusion. If you don't bring it up but at the same time don't try to go out of your way to hide it they will decide when they need to know. I hope this helps and gob bless you.
2007-02-20 09:45:14 · answer #5 · answered by 84cj 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
NOW. Do not wait until she is older. Talk about it openly and naturally. If you wait until she is older, this will be a huge secret that you have kept from her. Read her age approprate books about adoption. Tell her that she came from another mommy's belly, but you are her mother. Hinding this from your child will make her feel it is something to be ashamed of. Springing it on her when she is older will completely shake her trust in you.
You could allow the birth parents to see her, but I wouldn't tell her that they are her birth parents. She is too young to understand that. Especially if there are doubts about their sobreity. Maybe she could call them Aunt and Uncle.
2007-02-20 17:14:46 · answer #6 · answered by lvacca 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If the child isn't asking then i would wait several years before telling her. She's too young to understand right now and that may be a bad thing at a later time. Wait til the child is at least 10 or 11.
2007-02-20 10:14:29 · answer #7 · answered by allforit420 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My parents used to tell my brother & me bedtime stories about a boy and a girl who were adopted. Of course the kids happened to have the same names as my brother & I. It was alot easier hearing it that way rather than finding out when you were older.
2007-02-20 17:51:16 · answer #8 · answered by adoptedpisces 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you should tell her when she is big enough to understand. Im sure she going to find out why she looks different then you. Also if your cousin always comes over to see her shes going to wonder whats going on. If they are saying that they are sober you should make sure there telling you the truth.
2007-02-20 09:31:09 · answer #9 · answered by TLC 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why push the issue? Wait until she is older, but make sure she knows that she has a birth mommy too if it's your plan to let them have some type of contact!
2007-02-20 09:26:26 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
When you have the birds and bees talk,
Say around 6-7
Tell her that you chose her cos she's special
If you leave it until she's older then it will turn her world upside down,
If she already is aware you will save her a lot of pain
2007-02-20 09:27:35 · answer #11 · answered by Elle J Morgan 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋