My fiance is upset because I asked him to stop talking to his ex. Was that wrong? I didn't feel comfortable

Question

My fiance and I have been arguing the past couple of days about him talking to his ex-girlfriend again. I didn't feel comfortable with it so I asked him to stop. He thinks I'm jealous and insecure to me it's a respect issue. Last night we argued again and finally he said he would quit talking to her. He called me an hour later even more upset because he said she cried about it and that she wished she was me because I had him, and that she wanted to hate me for wanting this but she couldn't. I feel freaking awful. I didn't want to hurt anybody. But then again I feel like if I didn't stand up for myself I was going to get walked on. This same thing happened when I had a male friend (not an ex-boyfriend) he didn't like. Sure he was a good friend to talk to for like the past 5 years but I stopped talking to him because my fiance didn't like it. But his thing is because she was his first love he wanted to make up and be friends with her. What's the deal, what should I do?

Answer 1

Well, obviously she still has feelings for him because she wishes she was you since you have him now. Total red flag there. I wouldn't tolerate a friendship like that, even if his intentions are innocent. Hers aren't. Thing is, he's probably going to keep on talking with her. He'll just do it secretly. And he does obviously know how she feels about him, and he obviously doesn't mind it. Uncool and disrespectful of him to let himself be tempted by her when he has you. Since you and your guy aren't living together, it would be easy and beneficial for you to take a couple weeks away from him to clear your thoughts and figure out what you want and don't want in your life. Respect yourself to not let yourself settle for anything less than what's important to you, because you can't change someone else into what you want and think is right. Tell him he can go ahead and talk to her if it's so important but you aren't going to be in his life if that's what he chooses. (It's much too risky and will only lead to heartache) It'll give him some time to think too. It'll test the strength of your relationship together but don't you think, especially now, that's necessary BEFORE you get married?.

Answer 2

Been there, done that.
The best advice I can offer is giving the option of you getting to know her on your end. If your fiance loves you and respects your relationship he'll understand that you are uncomfortable with the notion that this girl could possibly jeopardized your relationship with him in the future. Make it clear that it is a matter of RESPECT and moreover of being honest about her TRUE intentions. If that girl truly wanted to remain JUST friends, then she would know that it would be best to formulate a relationship through you out of the respect she had for your relationship. But CLEARLY that wasn't the case because she was "victimizing" herself in the eyes of your fiance and moreover manipulating his feelings. I for one would not trust a woman like that and would point this out to your Fiance. Rationalize with him and talk about it as adults. And don't forget that YOU are his fiance and you expect to be put first before any other woman.
Also, don't forget- "Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer."
I would invite her over for a group dinner... get a feel of what her true intentions are but be Stealth about it.
And DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT AN OUTSIDE WOMAN WHO COULD JEOPARDIZE YOUR HAPPINESS!!!

Good luck!

Answer 3

I had a very similar situation. I made an effort to become friends with the ex-girlfriend and the results were amazing. She and I became chummy and, all of sudden, my boyfriend did not seem to have interest in talking to her much anymore. In fact, he became uncomfortable with the fact that she gave me all the dirt on him! Ha ha! Really, though, the key is not to seem too upset because it will push him further away from you and into her arms. Men seem to love to classify women as tyrants (you restricting whom he can see) and always love to rescue the poor, injured cry-baby (the ex-girlfriend).

Remember this- a man who is going to cheat will do so whether you put restrictions on him or not. There is no point in dictating his social calendar. Be sly about it, remain cool and make the girl your friend. It is then that you will be aware of what is going on... and you might gain a new gal-pal!

Answer 4

I don't think you should have asked that of him. But I also think you shouldn't have stopped talking to your guy friend because of him. Each of you guys had a life before the other and you should respect that. The important issue is that you're both together and committed (supposedly). I guess it's all about trust, but then again if your engaged that shouldn't be an issue. I just find that unfair to ask..

Answer 5

It hurts doesn't it. My bf sort of did the same thing. He promised me that he would stop talkin to her. Then one night he left his phone at my house, and what a coinsidence.... i found out that they've been talking behind my back after he leaves my house.

On my behalf, IT IS A RESPECT issue. It shouldn't matter if that's his first love, its an OLD flame, he has a new one and if that flame is burning strong and bright, why make it weak with an old flame around. Keep the memories. There's a reason why they're not together anymore, there's a reason why he married you and not her.

Answer 6

call her and tell her that you felt like she was walking on your territory and that u didn't mean to hurt her. Apologize. Your fiance must have feelings for her still because he didn't want to stop talking to her. Tell him it's the same thing with your guy friend. Tell him also that it wasn't an insecure issue and that it was a respect issue.

Good Luck

Answer 7

You must stand up and insist he respects you. Having and ex that has the hots for him is pretty serious. You need to be very careful. Make sure he and her are WAY over each other before you walk down the aisle with him. Imagine you are pregnant and he starts thinking of making a booty call to his ex. Or if he tires of the responsibility of raising kids and has an responsibility free ex waiting for him. Marriage is a huge commitment. Make sure all your ducks are in a row first.
.

Answer 8

No, you were not wrong. You did the right thing. It is a respect issue. Well, too bad if she cried and he feels bad. He should not have been talking to her anyway. She will get over it. so waht if her feeling are hurt, what about you? You stick to what you said, if he wants to be back with her, then let him go. He can't have you both. Good luck.

Answer 9

He's not being fair to you. He expected you to turn away from your friend when he was uncomfortable with it, but isn't willing to do the same for you.

I wonder what his level of commitment is to you. However, arguing isn't going to solve anything. In a calm manner simply tell him that it isn't fair that he expect you to act in a way that he himself isn't. Tell him how his actions make you feel. That's all he needs to know. If it's important to him, he will change his actions. If it isn't, he'll continue to hurt you.

Then you need to decide if this is something you want to live with, based on how he responds. If he's this way with her, he may be the same when it comes to other things - disregarding your feelings and wishes.

Good luck to you.

Answer 10

what you did is right and stick to that opinion. She cried? --seems like she isn't over him yet. He needs to stay away from her. But you need to make your finance understand why you are doing this and don't pressure him or else he will do just what you asked him not to. You shouldn't feel bad that she is upset, he is your man and she is out of the picture--and she should stay out of it. Your finance needs to let go of her, and he is the one that is insecure for hating your guy friend just because you hung out with him. If he doesnt have feelings for her anymore, just like he don't have any feelings for your guy friend, he should have no problem letting go of her. THe excuse: she is my first love, is stupid.