Love Poem. Please Critique?

Question

I posted this before but i didn't get enough comments. Read it and tell me what you think of it

cesar


My Executioner

I'm slowly dieing,
my grave is dug.
You harshly condemned me
my first true love.

You tore my heart,
left it in shreds;
While knowing I loved you
with everything.

You took my hand,
fulfilled my dream.
You made me feel,
sweet things, my queen.

I gave you love
not thinking twice.
I gave you all of me,
Heart & Mind.

You kindly took it,
or so it seemed.
Next thing I new,
you killed my dreams

You left me there bleeding,
barely alive.
While you were off kissing
some other guy.

You tell me you love him
You know it's a lie.
You try to believe it
to feel good inside.

And meanwhile I lay here,
drowning in tears.
For I will still love you
for many more years.

And then I start wondering
if you'd even cry.
If I were to somehow,
mysteriously die.

Would you even remember me,
would you even care.
Or would you forget me,
great moments we shared.

And would you remember
the love that I gave.
The love that you squandered,
that you threw away.

Or would you then value
that deep, pure, white love.
And how I still loved you,
till breath left my lungs.

You saved me from drowning
for that I am glad.
But then you condemned me
my princess, my downfall,
.......My Executioner........

Answer 1

I think you've written from your heart but don't think that the one who left you will truly read it for all it is worth. The important thing is how it has made you feel and if it has helped you .... then consider yourself a do it yourself shrink! Sometimes it's best to write down your thoughts and then just let them go.

Now I don't mean to be critical of your writing but in case you're interested, there are a couple of spelling mistakes in your poem. Please allow me to point out your typographical errors:

"I'm slowly dieing" should be "I'm slowly dying"

"Next thing I new" should be "Next thing I knew"

Also .... there is an old saying which you might seriously think about. It goes as follows:

If you love something set it free
If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.
If it never returns,
It was never yours to begin with.

I wish you peace and a wonderful new relationship that you can enjoy. Learning from your past experiences is what life is really all about. Best of luck to you!

Answer 2

That's really beautiful (it's rare I comment to online poems; they usually suck consider yourself one of the proud).

It has the potential to be very elegent, I think. Maybe there's just a few things you should tweak and rephrase. Here's one I found almost humorous:

'You left me there bleeding,
barely alive.
While you were off kissing
some other guy.'

Not the idea I found humorous...but because the first two lines are rather mature, and the last two almost elementary-school. Now, if you want that contrast, that's fine. But if you're trying to write a very serious poem, I'd do something with those last two lines.

Other than that, it was very pretty and sparked my imagination.

Answer 3

That's a love poem? Sounds more like a Poor Pathetic Me Poem. Ugh. I feel like puking. Get over it!

Answer 4

no matter how long or short a poem is. if it comes fromt heart then nobody can critize it. i loved it. you did a great job on it. you got skill. just make sure when you do poetry that its from you and not anybody else. thats the key to being a great writer.

Answer 5

I LOVED IT!
I like to write poems too
Your poem sends me a message, b/c the same thing happened to me.
Good job.

Answer 6

wow that was really good.i write alot poems as well.as i was reading it..i remembered a situation that i was in just like you.if you have anymore poems you should post them up because your really good at it and i would love to read some more.

Answer 7

Wowza!! superb activity. in easy terms small innovations i might make: possibly say "embracing your candy innovations" or "following your candy innovations." additionally, why "i'll be your Prince captivating sooner or later"? sooner or later?? It looks such as you already ARE! possibly think of of yet another sentiment. i'm confident Erin will love the words that poured out of your coronary heart!

Answer 8

I like the poem overall. the first line bugs me a little though, maybe say "my grave lies in wait" instead of "my grave is dug". Also fourth phrase, maybe "I gave you all, Heart, Mind & Soul. Fifth phrase, it is "knew" not "new". 11th phrase use "tossed" instead of "threw".

Answer 9

I like it but it is preety long. I think it is good to write poems. Helps get your emotions out.

Answer 10

oh my god
that is so sad
im so sorry
im going threw the same with my boyfriend
it was awsome
and made me cry
you have some seriouse talent
i hope you feel better