Am I right to still feel hurt?

Question

When my husband and I got married I wanted him every night. But everytime I initiated he kinda pushed me away with his lips (if that makes sense - it wasn't an actual kiss). He also told me before getting married that I loved him more than he loved me. These things have stayed with me throughout our marriage. Every time he doesn't stand up for me or has a dig. He is a good husband and dad to our children but I have this aching feeling that we wern't meant to be together. If I leave him then I loose the home that I've made twice (had a house fire 2 years ago) and break my kids hearts along with it. How do I go about telling him that I still feel hurt even though it happened ages ago and how can we move on from this. If I cry he crys with me so I do believe he cares for me.

I have told him about this before but he has never given me an explantation or apologised

I also arranged him a surprised 40th and he stood up at the end and never thanked me for it but everyone else.

Thanks Mafia Girl - as if its not painful enough.

Answer 1

I can imagine why you would feel hurt. Maybe he has developed over time deeper feelings for you and of course we would hope that to be the case. I do not think that leaving him is the answer. I do think that a real heart to heart honest talk is the answer. Hold nothing back tell him all of it and point blank ask him. If he can't or will not answer then seek counseling before giving up on your marriage. Men have a hard time talking about thier feelings but, tell him that your are having very serious doubts and would apprecitate it if he would talk to you. The crying with you is a good sign that he also feels the need to discuss something? Although it may not be what you want it to be, but chances are he just is feeling bad that he has made you feel bad. As I said if you do not get the answer you want from him then seek counseling if only going by yourself it could help you see past the past and maybe see what is really going on in your marriage and that all is well? Maybe after he sees how much the marriage means to you that you are willing to go to counseling then he will join you as well. Just don't give up a good marriage takes work for everybody, it doesn't just do itself. I do hope that things work out. Hang in there.

Men often take advantage of thier wives by not saying thank you even though they expect to be thanked for every little chore performed. That is just being a male. I think it comes from Mommies doing everything for sons and never being thanked so, they assume they do not have to thank the females in thier lives. Tell him you went to a lot of trouble and that it hurt your feelings that he did not acknowledge you and thank you.

I sometimes think that men do things unintentionally so, be the bigger forgiving person. Just don't give up until you have done everything you can do as a peson, wife, and mom.

Answer 2

you are absolutely right to still feel hurt. It seems as though you have found the love of your life and he has only settled for what was there at the time. Unfortunately you can't force somebody to be in love with you. It is very hard and it takes a lot of courage but you need to decide what is more important: staying with your husband and living a lie for the security of a family and home, or finding your own path in life and someone who cares as much about you as you do about them. It is not fair to you to be with someone who is not in love with you. I think you should definitely seek marriage counseling before making such a drastic decision because just maybe you can work your problems out. But if he refuses to go to counseling or if you go and still nothing chages you need to find the cuorage to say I deserve more. It will be hard and the best thing you can do is surround yourself with people who love you and will offer moral support. One day you might find somebody who puts you in the center of their world and loves you more than they love themself and that is not a feeling you want to miss out on because you feel obligated to be with a man who can never show that type of affection. Yes it is important to make sure your kids are well taken care of and that they understand that at one point in time mommy and daddy loved each other and they are a product of that love but sometimes people have such great differences that they just can't live happily together. eventually as they get older they will see that you are both happy and they will come to terms with the situation. My parents are divorced after 23 years and although it is still strange going to 2 separate houses to see my parents, they are better off this way and I think it is the best thing they could have done for each other.

Answer 3

No, I can understand your hurt. I do believe that many, maybe most relationships are unbalanced, and one person loves the spouse or partner "more" than the other...... but I believe it's best to leave that unspoken, as it's hurtful. But, he did chose to marry you, have kids, and a house and family, so, you are "the one" for him, even if he occasionally pushes you away. If he is good to you in all other areas, and if he is good with the kids, maybe you can see a therapist, alone or together, to work past this hurt. Good luck.

Answer 4

Well as usual... We are only hearing one side of things.

His reasons are his. In the very least, he was honest with you and that is more than I can say for most people.

If he gets something out of being with you (like money or support) than you are being used... Plain and simple, and he pretty much spelled it out for you...

But if you are equals. Holding one another up and on the same level or even if he more so supports you and the kids... than he may simply have problems emotionally that even he doesn;t know how to convey or understand. Most men don't get help if the problem is emotional because emotions are irrational and useless to them in most cases, failing to understand that emotional intelligence is just as important as intellectual.

Some people (myself included.) are stoic by nature and not all affectionate and overly showy with their sentiments... My husband is like you and I am like your husband. I am always honest. People who are unrealistic will always take that and make of it what they want and need and blame the other person for only being what they are and only giving what they can. My husband however, understands ME... and allows me to be myself and that never changes or compromises who he is. I would have it no other way. I am never threatened by his strength or his weakness. We are two seperate entities who collide every now and again and are happy to do it together... That is how it should be.

You need to be your own person and less dependent. If he is honest enough about saying what he does, I can't honestly see him lying about loving you unless like I said... He gets something out of it? something in leiu of currency, emotional control, money, anything like that...

You can't change anyone else... Nor should you ever want to be with someone you feel has to change to accomidate you. You married him and you had the children. If you didn;t think it was going to work then... You shouldn't have started something you knew you couldn't finish unles HE changed. That is not only unfair... It is deceptive and dellusional on your part.

He seems to me at least? to be unapreciative and stoic, emotionally detached from his feelings... That means abused and emotionally ill equipped. Learn to deal with it and be your own person apart from his influence... Or learn to deal with the deconstruction of everything you have together.

Your choice!

Answer 5

wow
this is hard.
You should ask him to go with you to counseling.
Sometimes it takes another person to explain it in a way that he can understand.
YOU ARE PERFECTLY JUSTIFIED in feeling the way you feel.
Everyone wants to be someones first choice
and you dont feel like you are his.
Is it enough to leave? who knows but you
but dont go until he fully understands the problem (where the counselor will help).
Sorry about this whole thing.
I also need you to know that you will not absolutely lose your house.
he will still have to take care of his kids and pay you child support and quite possibly alimony.
Keep that and talk to an attorney to see if THAT fear is legitimate.
GOOD LUCK!

Answer 6

some men really have a deep love 4 someone but dont show it well he might think its known how much he loves u if he didnt y would he marry u but maybe there is no real connection maybe it just feels close to it and u believe in it so much that u deny u dont feel a special connection(not tryin 2 hurt ur feelings or nothin i might be wrong)just use your instinct ur gutt feeling

Answer 7

don't listen to ps3playa64, he's a dick


i don't know what to tell you really, sounds tough. just try to make the best of it, and live on his good half instead of his negatives.

Answer 8

He must have a first love and lost her. Sometimes they find it hard to love and commit second time.

Answer 9

that is sad i think you should tell him about it and tell him your not going away until he gives you an answer and if that dosn't work you should get marrige counseling. good luck! i will pray for you.

Answer 10

You need marriage counseling.