Very ashamed, but finally admitted to my husband about my eating disorder, very confused and scared.?

Question

I have been giving advice to people on here who are battling with weight issues/eating disorders but haven't been able to practice what I preach, so to speak.
I have a daily battle with food. I look at food and see something evil, tempting me to eat it. I do not over eat more than once a week, and have a hard time keeping my daily caloric intake above 1400. Even that number makes me feel like I might as well be eating a million. I'm making an effort to keep my intake at that though, because I know it's unhealthy if I don't. In high school and until I was 20 would starve myself or if I did eat, force myself to vomit. It stopped for a while when I met my husband, mainly because I was terrified he'd find out and think I was crazy. Last year I started eating as little as possible and vomiting when I did eat more than I think I should have. My husband had started training, and the horrible thoughts about my weight and food came back. When he'd come back home, I'd be "normal" again. cont..

In August, I stopped because he came back home. I started eating healthier and taking vitamins. Then in December, I had a miscarriage. That put me back into the mindset of inadequacy and self-hatred, and I started up again. So last night I finally told my husband. He was shocked, but not completely blindsided. He'd always suspected something, but not a full blown eating disorder.
It's not that I want to be skinny, I don't even know how to describe it. I feel better temporarily when I eat, but I always hate myself for letting the food control me, I suppose. Has anyone else gone through this? How did you make it?

Also, I'm not underweight at all, I'm 160, which adds to the feeling that I'm not good enough. Ugh..I hate this.

Answer 1

You're not crazy, but you are sick, and with a disease than can be fatal if it's severe, the fact that it's psychological in nature doesn't make it less dangerous. It sounds like your disorder is relatively mild, as these things go (it's not unheard of for people to actually starve themselves to death in situations like this), but that doesn't mean that it shouldn't be treated.
For starters, most experts agree that eating disorders, and especially anorexia is not really about gaining or loosing weight, it's about control. Most people who suffer from anorexia (it's similar for bulemia) feel that their life is out of their control and that they're constantly being pushed and pulled by forces they can't do anything about. The pathological behavior towards food comes from a deep need to control something about a life that feels totally chaotic, so they will (unconsciously) decide to control that completely - which often manifests as not eating, the issue isn't to loose weight, it's to control the hunger and resist all pressure to eat, it's sort of like an unconsciously drawn line in the sand, "here's my stand, I may not be able to control anything else, but I can not eat, so I'm not going to, come hell or high water" (keep in mind that none of this is usually consciously thought out). So when people start to urge someone suffering from this to eat (which is common, it's hard to hide the sort of dramatic weight loss you often get with anorexia) it only makes the problem worse, it gives more pressure to push against.
Because of this, even in people who are managing to control it, often they will relapse during periods of high stress when things start to seem out of control, like you're describing.
The trick is to realize that it is a disease; a real and dangerous disease, and you shouldn't be any more ashamed of it than you would be in seeking help for pneumonia, cancer, or a heart attack. There is somewhat of a stigma in our society about psychiatric disease, mostly (I think) because people just don't know how to deal with it, but that stigma is born of ignorance, anyone who thinks that an anorexic can just choose to start eating or a bulemic to stop vomiting one day with no problem has no understanding of what the diseases are.
So I would say this, you do have a disease, and you should get help for it. It is a disease that is often misunderstood, and it may be difficult for you to get complete control over it (and you may have relapses every so often) but it can be treated. Don't think that because some people don't understand what you're going through that your crazy or that you have to go it alone.

Answer 2

Recognition of a problem is good. The next step would be treatment. Looking at how fat Americans are, food addictions and eating disorders, I would imagine, are fairly common because of how unhealthy our diets are.

Answer 3

You have a mental disorder and need to seek help. You shouldn't be ashamed about this it is a disease.