First of all, his father is a good father. He goes to every activity the child in involved in. He is at our home everyweekend. We take him places and do things with him a lot. Second, he has a room at the house. It is the room he requested origionally. It is just not the room he now wants after my daughter has moved into it. Does this change any of you opinions?
2007-02-20 03:51:26 · 13 answers · asked by just me 2 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Well see that changes things--the fact that the kid has a room is an IMPORTANT detail. I think he is displaying normal jealousy. I think the best way to deal with that is to let him pick out some items for his room to make it feel special. He may feel that your daughter's room is nicer because all her stuff is there and a majority of his stuff is at his moms. maybe you guys can let him paint it or get him a special gift as a house/room warming for his new sleeping quarters. But most importantly,give him time. I think he is simply adjusting to the new situation and maybe testing the waters. He might want to see if he has enough pull with his father to get your daughter the boot. Stand firm and tell him how much you guys love him. Even though you guys sound like you have a loving environment for the kids--I don't think you can ever say those words enough.
2007-02-20 04:04:42 · answer #1 · answered by blah1977 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
That helps. I NEVER said the father was NOT a good father. I did impose that he was being selfish... but that is our human nature. But, a lot of people are going to say negative things to you. So toughen up sweetie. The two of you have to put up a joint front, which is hard since you are not married.
BUT my original thoughts are still the same. Now even more. I don't feel that the bedroom is the REAL issue. There is a LOT more to it. He is hurt and feeling DISPLACED. AND like I said, he is going to TEST both of you. BUT... DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF ALLOWING HIM TO TEST YOU.
YOU make the RULES... MAKE sure they are fair. Discuss with the kids, those rules in which the are old enough and can HELP make the final decisions on. DO NOT LET THE KIDS RULE YOU.
The kids will NOT always be happy with the rules. (Kids from a non-broken home are not always happy with the rules). But.. stick with them. (that does NOT mean if you see you made a wrong decision that you can NOT go back & change it) That shows kids that you are human and fair. JUST do NOT let the kids DICTATE the rules. Let them know you will listen, and if YOU and YOUR mate, decide it was unfair you will make it right.
Make it clear from the beginning that you understand the hurt (DO NOT EVER FORGET HE STILL LOVES HIS MOM). DO NOT try to turn him against her or USE the situation unfairly. This is really hard to NOT do. Our nature is to place blame & it takes a REAL effort to control this. Like I said before "GUARD YOUR MOUTH" DO NOT say things in front of the kids or even ANYWHERE where they can accidently hear this.
Talk to ALL the kids ALL together explain guidlines, ask for their input. Make a rule that at family meetings nothing negative is said.
Good luck!! GET SOME COUNSELLING READ SOME BOOKS!!!
2007-02-20 12:38:34 · answer #2 · answered by themamabehr 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Ok , much clearer....Its really up to his father if it is his place you moved into. My opinion is if I was his father maybe I would try and work out a compromise. Since the son previously picked out the room and is now changing his mind , he is obviously insecure about his place in dads life. My wife and I have meshed 4 of mine with 3 of hers and sometimes its a little work. Maybe dad can offer to repaint his room to something special to reflect his sons interest or personality and give him the sense of security he needs in the room he has, but to give him the power to change things and lord it over the new commers in order to get that security would be ill advised, bigger troubles down the road. PS unsolicited advise....If this is going to be a long term relationship the best advice I can give is treat ALL the children equally in Praise and dicipline. Only room for two teams in multi family homes. Team 1 = Mom and Dad Team 2 = all the kids
2007-02-20 13:24:09 · answer #3 · answered by EGOman 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ah! It is becoming a little clearer now!
Maybe the green eyed monster is rearing his ugly head, and he now thinks the grass is greener in the other room!
Try to be tolerant, but you shouldn't have to give in on this one, he is old enough to be told that that is the room you chose, like it or not, that is now your room! Maybe allow him to choose different decor for it, might help to pave the way for a while, until he thinks of something else.....
2007-02-20 12:11:22 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
So his father spends time with him...so what. That doesn't make the fact that you are living with his father without benefit of marriage and think it's perfectly fine to bring up children in this valueless way. He's 12 years old, able to understand the difference between shacking up and marriage...maybe he wants his father who is SUPPOSED to be a decent role model for him to actually BE that DECENT role model.
2007-02-21 02:23:35 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That makes a huge difference. It sounds like he is having the normal jealousy and divorce issues. If you were to give him the room that your daughter has now and move her, he probably wouldn't be happy there either.
2007-02-20 12:32:17 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think he should get to pick the room he wants, but not be able to change his mind after the fact. His anger issues aren't really about the room. Maybe you all should go to counseling to work through whatever issues there are.
2007-02-20 11:56:01 · answer #7 · answered by Melissa 7 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You should have stated that earlier, if he hashis own room then he hs to get over it. He's a big boy and can handle being put in whatever room he's put in. Sorry about the misunderstanding earlier.
2007-02-20 13:09:27 · answer #8 · answered by Jenn 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The fact that his father spends weekends with him does not change the fact that the boy's parents divorce have left him with an abandoned child feeling. You should have found a new place to live, not move into his world. Do you sleep in the same bed, bedroom, use the same bathroom as the former wife? You are a creep!
2007-02-20 12:01:39 · answer #9 · answered by DJ 7 · 2⤊ 4⤋
yeah hes being a brat, BUT
Trust me I know i think alot of these people on here telling you their opionions are totally unaware of what it is like and how you have to be fair as a adult and not let eather one of the children feel as though they have the most pull, and you have to let them think that they are equal, who their parents are doesnt matter at all, they are all loved, disciplined and cared for all the same.
How to handle this is hard to tell... cause me and my better half have been together for over 3 years and his 11 year old daughter and I get along like two peas in a pod BUT i had to nurture that relationship for about a good year... If i had a issue with her i could just tell her and she would listen... but it sounds like you are not anywhere near that point yet.
If i were you i would tell the boys father that his son is being a brat about this but at the same point brats are always being brats for a reason... and that you both need to sit him down and flat out ask him say something like... we know your a good kid and your in a really hard situation and it can be hard for adults to deal with situations but you have to deal with this now we cant change the situation but we can help you deal with it. then also add we know your having a hard time dealing with us all living together, you say its about the room but we think it runs alot deeper then just a bedroom *hes just like a animal so to speak trying to claim dominace Hes testing the waters to see if he still out ranks you and your daughter in his dads eyes* But you have to make him see that he doesnt outrank anyone AND NO ONE out ranks him
Trust me the next thing your going to have is a boy cring his eyes out like he's 3 again saying he just misses his dad and his mom's changed alot now that shes divorced and he feels like his world has been ripped apart and hes expected to act as though its just peachy and hes so confused about it all... be patient and loving and let him know he can ALWAYS come and talk to you guys about how he feels but also let him know that acting out about it and throwing a fit is NOT going to get him anywhere, coming to you guys or just his dad and venting about what its like and learning how to deal with a situation will always make him feel like hes coming out on top.
2007-02-20 13:12:14 · answer #10 · answered by chrystal_lynn2002 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋