Opinions wanted on setting wedding date w/Military deployment as a possibility?

Question

My son is in the National Guard and was advised recently that his unit is on alert. They were advised that the window for deployment "could" be from 5/30/07 - 07/30/07. He and his fiancee had already set their wedding date for August '07. I strongly urged them to move it up and they are adament to be married should he be deployed. Being an Marine brat myself, I know that you are at the military's mercy when it comes to these situations. Trying not to sound impartial here, I think its the fiancee that seems determined to have the wedding of their dreams. They make every excuse not to move it up. At this time, the only money that has been put out is for all the dresses of the bridal party. No deposits have been put out yet. Reception hall has been booked but no money down yet. It is so frustrating to watch all this going on. Apparently her parents are very religious and their only solution is to pray. What is your opinion? Those from military personnel in particular.

Answer 1

To be honest with you, anything could happen. I had a similiar situation &, instead of moving it, we decided to wait until after he got back. Well, he didn't end up getting deployed until a few months after the original date & it was horrible. I would strongly suggest that you sit your son down & tell him that, if he gets deployed before the wedding date, that she will not be able to have the "wedding of her dreams" and, not only that, but, if God forbid something was to happen to him over there, that his fiancee would not recieve anything ( maybe that will convince the girl to move it up! ) So, to make sure she's protected ( even just while he's away with having his benefits), they really should move it up, if possible.

Answer 2

Prayer is a wonderful thing; a time to commune with the Almighty.
With that being said, God also expects us to use our brains. That's why we have them.

Common sense tells a person that if plans are made for August and there is a chance of deployment between May thru July, there is a very good chance the August plans will be foiled! What is so hard about understanding this???

I understand that when you have your heart set on something & life changes it, it's sometimes hard to adjust. But since this young lady is opting to marry a 'military guy' she'd better learn now that her life isn't hers. There might not only be birthdays he misses but births as well.

Part of being young is being idealistic. You know, the
"it-can't-happen-to-me", syndrome? Life has a way of changing your mind, sometimes in VERY hurtful & tragic ways. And when you depend upon God for your existence and these things happen.......well I guess now isn't a time to discuss all that. But I do know of what I speak.

All you can do is sit your son & fiancee down & tell them you think they are behaving unwisely. That if they want to be married BEFORE he is deployed, they need to move the wedding date, NOW. May is not that far off.

Then, as a parent of an adult child, you have to sit back and watch; sometimes making mistakes you know aren't going to end well. If they still decide they want the wedding in August, then you have no choice but go along with them.
But be ready. If your son is deployed, there will be tears! If he isn't, then they will tell you that prayer works and that you worried for nothing. You're not going to win here.

Being a parent sometimes sucks; big time.

Tell your son how much I appreciate his duty; that for men like him, we are the free nation we are. My hat off to him.

Good luck, Mom.

Answer 3

Military here.

Mom,

If they want the wedding of their dreams and refuse to move the wedding date up (the most sensible option) the only other options are to

a) Wait until he gets deployed and then get married when he gets back for scheduled R&R leave, ussually, 6 months after the deployment date.

or

b) Wait until he comes back, which COULD be a year to 18 months from the departure date.

or


c) Have a small ceremony before he leaves and have a big dream reception when he comes back.

In any event, you have to set the date when he knows when is he going to get deployed and for how long. Do not put any deposits yet for the August date, . Honestly, it's unrealistic to set a date while his unit is being called to get deployed. Be prepared to reschedule.

Good luck

Answer 4

I am from a Navy family and I can understand how this situation could turn from happy to very terrible in a matter of days ... I have worked with a few military couples, either one or both have been in the service and a date was imperative.

This is my advice to you ... both families need to get together to discuss everything. If it is her parents' wish to get married in a church, then that should be done before May. If they are Catholic, that might be a problem since precana meetings are required and can take as many as 6 months. You should suggest that they have a personal ceremony in front of the JP, or an officiant of their choosing. That way, should he get deployed, they will still be legally married. Then, once he gets back home, a church ceremony and large reception can be planned at that time.

I understand your situation and I'm really sorry that this is happening. Unfortunately he is at the mercy of the service and if they say "jump" he will have no choice. I wih you luck!!! Please feel free to email me at [e-mail] if you need anything else!

Answer 5

I think your opinion makes perfect sense.

That said, you can't make anyone listen to you. Maybe by some chance they can actually pull it off. If so, good for them. If not, you were right & they have to deal with that. I would personally move the date up, but they are set on doing it there way. Wrong way or not, it's their wedding & their choices.

You should maybe ask about those deposits though. When they are put down, if your son ends up deployed, can they be refunded or the date be changed? That's something worth knowing before all the money is paid out to people.

Answer 6

Lizzie, as frustrating as it is and as much as you want to help (as a mother I understand this) but really it's up to them. It's their lives and at this point there can't be two Mrs. Whateveryourlastnameis. SHE is now the main woman in his life and she'll have the final say - it's "her" day. All you can do is be supportive, help when asked for help and back off when asked to back off. IF his deployment papers come in before the wedding, then they head to the JP and say their vows. Most times places will allow you to change the date- with small monetary penalties instead of completely loosing any money put down on deposits if you simply cancel. If he's deployed and they go to the JP, they can then push the wedding back - keeping whatever arrangements they can and then have the big wedding when he returns. But again, all of that is their choice, try to support them. Good luck.

Answer 7

As a military wife ... but one of a more practical nature, I can tell you that the girl is going to have to do a LOT of growing up.

As for the wedding, let them go. NOTHING you say is going to change her or her family's minds, and frankly maybe this is the best for everyone. And it could go a number of ways:

--He could deploy and they're going to end up having a rushed wedding at a justice of the peace.
--He might not deploy...though highly unlikely and they'll have the wedding at their intended time
--He'll deploy and the wedding will be postponed.

And speaking from experience, a postponement isn't necessarily a bad thing. My wedding was postponed because my husband's ship deployed unexpectedly.
It gave me extra time get things more organized, and save more money. It also gave me a little autonomy with arrangements, since he wasn't "micro-managing" me (he's very Type-A!! LOL). The only drawback was that we had to reprint the announcements (twice!).

Anyway, I wouldn't get myself upset if I were you. Things will go the way they're fated to be, regardless of the outcome. You're going to have enough stress with your son potentially deploying; you don't need to worry yourself sick over the choices of a young and immature bride.

Answer 8

What kind of excuse could they have to want to be married when he's not going to even be there? What is her family praying for, that he gets deployed in May and is back in time for his August wedding??? That the government decides not to deploy him after all because he's engaged to be married???

Oh boy, what's more devastating, your fiance being overseas while you sit in a reception hall in a princess-like gown with 200 guests, or knowing that you could have actually GOTTEN MARRIED if you actually believed that when the government says "you're going to get deployed" that's what they really mean?

Sorry, I'm ranting because your situation is irritating even from afar.

The site I'm listing below suggests getting wedding insurance in case things change, but I honestly can't imagine any company wanting to insure this wedding since you already practically have orders...

Honestly, sit them down and ask them when have they known the military to not deploy someone if they've already said they would. There is no good way for that deployment window to work in their favor. If they're trying to plan something really nice, it really should be before he gets deployed and not after.

Answer 9

I personally think they should move it up if it looks like he can be deployed any minute if they as you said are adament about gettin married before him leaving. she may want her dream wedding, but if he gets shipped out in june, whats she gonna do then? then she doesnt even have a shot and its to the Justice of the Peace they will be goin!

Now, as much as I disagree with um, it is really up to them to decide this, but I will tell you that if it doesn't all work out for the best I wouldn't take one bit of complainin about it, they made that bed, then they have to lie in it!

Answer 10

This happened to friends of mine. They set (and put down payments on) everything up for a September wedding. His unit was "put on alert" for the winter before, from November to January or February. Well, he got through that time. It wasn't until April that they found out he was to be shipped out in July. She had decided long before that if she couldn't have the wedding she wanted before he left, she would have a shotgun wedding before and "the wedding of their dreams" after he returned. They got lucky and were able to move everything up for a wedding in May.

My suggestion would be to sit down with your son and his fiancee and tell them you want to see them happy, you want to see them have the wedding of their dreams so by all means set it up, but you also want them to be married should he get deployed. Ask them if having a shotgun wedding before and the dream wedding after is out of the picture for them. This way, you are not depriving them of their wedding, but protecting her should he be shipped out.