How do I get out of being a bridesmaid?

Question

I met a girl about 7 months ago and we became good friends and about 3 months after we met she and her boyfriend got engaged...

and she asked me to be one of the bridesmaids...

I think she just asked me because she didn't want me to feel left out...which is fine...and we're good friends and get along well...but I don't really actually want to be a bridesmaid...i feel really bad about feeling this way, because I like being her friend and I'd really love to be at the wedding and see her get married, but I just don't want to be a bridesmaid...!!!

Should I just suck it in, and go through with it...after all it's only one day!...or how do I tell her how I feel without hurting her feelings...

The things that bother me are that, up until about 2 months ago, when she fell out with another friend of hers, she kept saying that she really didn't "know me well enough' for that other friend to say so many horrible things about her in from of me. So I thought, if you don't know me that well, then why ask me to be your bridesmaid!!! I found that comment about not knowing me well quite patronising.

The other thing is that we just don't share the same aspirations. We went out on Friday and I was talking about how I'd like to be well-off and financially independent, on my own , and that I don't need a man to do that. Unfortunately I occassionally (and wrongfully) used the words "filthy rich". But she then accused me of setting myself up for failure for wanting to set up my own business, and saying that I may never be rich!

And she say things like wanting a man to take care of her financially! (Something that I don't agree with). And although she does work (as a teacher) she doesn't earn much money. And her fiance takes care of most of the bills, although they do split the mortgage.

I just find her comments frustrating sometime, about how women can't be financially independent without men!

I think that she sometimes see relationships as a means to fulfill her financial goals, because she can't reach them on her own, and I really don't agree with this view. And she makes me feel like I'm a 'dreamer' for wanting to achieve financial independence on my own without a man.

Just to make it clear...I'm definitely not jealous of her...

Answer 1

If you haven't already agreed to be her bridesmaid, I would just sit down and talk with her honestly. Let her know that you feel honored that she asked you to be a bridesmaid, but you would feel more comfortable participating in another role. Maybe you could suggest being a greeter or guest book attendant, or some other role you would feel most comfortable with.

If you have already agreed to be her bridesmaid, backing out now could cause for hurt feelings. But you shouldn't go along with being her bridesmaid if your heart really isn't in it. So in this situation I would recommend you let her know that although you previously agreed to be a bridesmaid you'd feel more comfortable playing another role. And suggest some other ways to be involved as I mentioned earlier.

Answer 2

Okay, I understand what you are saying which it sounds like I like her but I wouldn't say she is my absolute bestest, best friend. Here goes why don't you just tell her that being bridesmaid is an honor and a burden and it is the burden part that upsets you, tell her that you would like to be just a plain ordinary guest at her wedding so that you don't feel overly nervous and anxiety's infront of all those people and that you are too much a bundle of nerves to go through it tell her you have been up alnight tossing and turning and your stomach is unsettled about the whole thing.

Bottom line: It sounds like you need to take a step back too, after all how are you sure your comment about going about things without a man didn't make her feel uncomfortable too and she was trying to defend herself. I know I have this habit of puttijng my sister on edge even when I don't mean to. But you are right the point about being friend is not having to walk on eggshells.

Answer 3

Do you know what?....... I think you are a TOP CHICK!!!

Firstly, I am getting married in June myself, and if one of my bridesmaids felt uncomfortable about doing it for whatever reason then I would certainly respect them more for being honest with me, and I definately would not be offended! I reckon this is a matter of choice and just because you have been asked to be part of this wedding, I do not feel you should feel obliged!! It does not mean you think any less of your friend, it is simply for your own personal reasons and no matter what you will still be attending to support her anyway!!

Secondly, I dont think you sund a jealous person at all. I think you have got your head very much screwed on and if you think that you could be financially independant without a guy then all I can say is GO FOR IT GIRL!!

lASTLY, i wish you were my mate!! I would be honoured!!

Good luck chick xxx

Answer 4

If you're really not comfortable doing it, then it's not really fair on either of you, is it? But lets think about things a second.

You need to have a good chat. It's obvious you're both on different wavelengths, but that doesn't have to mean that you can't be her bridesmaid.

But you seem to be having doubts about being a bridesmaid because you don't share the same viewpoints and ideals about other things, so maybe your viewpoint on what constitutes warranting being a bridesmaid differs from hers as well.

Is she going to be left in the lurch if you did back out? If so, that really wouldn't be fair to her. It is a very stressful day, after all. You don't want to add to that.

It seems to me from reading all your comments that you think a bridesmaid should be someone close to the bride, someone who knows them really well, or is a relative or old friend. The traditional view, then. And there's nothing wrong with that.

But maybe your friend thinks you're reliable, someone who won't let her down on the day but on the contrary will behave as a bridesmaid ought to behave. And that for her may be the primary consideration.

It's her day, not yours. If you are going to feel really uncomfortable doing it, then try talking to her but sound her out first before you make the decision to pull out - if you feel that doing this could be detrimental and could really hurt her, you may prefer to go ahead with it. If she actually seems open to listening to how you feel about it, then by all means go right ahead and tell her you'd rather not.

Be wary of burning your bridges, but try and talk to her, figuring out what her likely reaction is before you jump in with both feet. A bridesmaid is there to make the bride feel special and help her out with anything that needs doing, and if you feel you can't do that then you are probably better off saying so.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Don't mean to be nasty to you but I really think you are making a big issue over nothing. You don't want to be a bridesmaid, you don't wish her harm, you still would like to see her married.....so you just tell her. Seems she is nicer than you think. Even if it was just a case of not wanting to leave you out, it is really nice she was willing to include you. Sounds as if she is having quite a few bridesmaids and to be honest she probably will be quite relieved, different if you were chief bridesmaid. She will have one less dress to buy, headress, bouquet, gift, shoes, make up and hair to pay for. PS Just read a posting saying most brides expect their bridesmaids to pay their own dresses etc.........certainly not where I come from. If you are paying your own well really what the heck she could be just wanting a great big glamorous weddig party. I had just took it she was paying for everything as here.

Answer 6

Just be honest say I don't feel that we know each other well enough for me to be your bridesmaid but I would be honured to be at your wedding she seems jealous of you for being independant and like she needs to grow up not get married and if she does fall out with you then she is not a real friend

Answer 7

To be painfully truthful with you, I don't even know why you are her friend! You two don't sound like you have much in common, and it sounds like all you guys have between you are problems and differences. Sit her down and explain to her what has bothered you and upset you about stuff she has said. Than tell her because of that stuff, you can't be in her wedding. If this stuff is just "stuff" that you are getting off your chest and it doesn't truely bother you, than suck it up and live with it. You have already told her yes...obvisuly it was important to her to have you there or she wouldn't have asked. Take it from someone in the same spot...it's hard to pick and choose when you have so many friends and such..

Answer 8

Seriously sounds like you should back out.
Tell her you don't fel comfortable and that you don't think she chose you for the right reasons. You know if she was your mate, she'd understand. Maybe you could say you don't know HER well enough, see how she likes it.
Though refering to another answer, she doesn't sound like she's marrying for the right reasons or mature enough! You are are well out of it!

Heck, my best mate all our lives didn't ask me to be bridesmaid and I didn't ask her (though could have had something to with us having 3 sisters/5 sister in laws and 15 nieces between us and knew each of us would rather get drunk and happy at each others weddings than be flapping about organising stuff!!) LOL

Answer 9

I really dont want to sound rude or mean but It is her wedding & her special day & she asked you to be part of it. Obviously she doesnt see yalls differences as a reason for you not to be her bridesmaid & neither should you. She sees you as a good enough friend to be apart of her special day so you should be happy! It just a one time thing & you should stuck it up. I hope this helps a little! Have fun & Good Luck :)

Answer 10

I'm getting married in may so I can give it to you from the brides point of view.
I would prefer my bridesmaids to be honest with me. I'd prefer that than to spend money on the dresses, hair, ect for nothing.
Don't be shamed, just say you don't want to do it, but you'd love to be a guest instead.
It's more mean not to say anything than to tell the truth.