PEOPLE, PLEASE READ THORUOUGHLY: Don't I have the right?

Question

Don't I have the right to say that the OW SHOULD NOT SPEND THE NIGHT with my husband when my kids are with him
My lawyer is filing papers to stop this. This will include ski trips or anything where they can get the impression that this activity is OK. People are saying that what they do with him is up to him even though apparently the courts don't think so. I am tempted to remove custody from him all together.

We are not divorced or even legally separated.

By the way, I am dating someone. This is not about whether my H sticks it in a woman, man or horse. I don't want my kids in that environment.

My bf is not spending the night. Thank you.
Addendum:
My lawyer just called to say that the judge signed the order first thing this morning. Guess the courts can dictate, huh?

My kids aren't with me 14 days a month. If and when I want someone to spend the night, that is a lot of time to do so. If anyone marries, that is a whole new ballgame.

kja63 - the difference is that with me, sexual activiy outside of a marriage is not taking place in the presence of my kids

Answer 1

It's sad your husband has to be told this. I don't know about legally, but morally you do!!!!

Answer 2

"We are not divorced or even legally separated."

A judge WILL NOT sign an order which dictates any custody arrangement for a person who isn't "even legally separated" so if you have a lawyer who is telling you that a judge has done so, you may need to look for a different lawyer... unless you're just not telling the truth about either the judgement or the separation. It's also highly unlikely that a judge would sign that order unless you live in a country I'm not aware of. A judge would (provided you have a legal separation) sign an order preventing a parent taking a child out of the country/state/province until the final custody is hammered out.

The children's father has 50/50 custody with you so if he wishes to take them on vacation while they're in his custody, you have very little legal standing on dictating the arrangements. There is no law prohibiting an adult from cohabitating with another adult even when there are children in the same house UNLESS there is some other factor. (abuse, neglect etc.)

Obviously, you feel that your ex is a good father... otherwise he wouldn't have shared custody. The fact that custody is shared now, will go a long way in his favor when you go to court.

"I am tempted to remove custody from him all together."
This would more than likely hurt you a lot more than your husband if the matter when to court. These days, judges do not look kindly on parents using their children as pawns in custody cases. You've already accepted a custody arrangement now that puts him on the same footing as you so taking it away now would be hard unless you can prove abuse or neglect.

So, in my opinion, no, you don't have the right to say it... however, you DO have the right to ask.
Since both you and your ex have other partners and shared custody, you could TALK TO EACH OTHER and come to an agreement that neither of you do this. If he's not willing to go along with it then you might just have to accept it and trust that he'll be as discreet about it as you're being.

Answer 3

I'm sorry...but, you have to move on. Your ex. (not official yet, understood) is not damaging your children by having a woman spend the night. The damage has already been done by the separation/pending divorce (and it does hurt the children no matter how hard the parents try). The most important thing you can do is try to have a civil relationship with him, and speak well of him to and in front of the children (for their sake). My ex and I were told not to speak badly of each other. I took this advice. Many years later (when they were adults) my children told me that all their mother did was bad mouth me. They have not had a conversation with their mother in over 6 years (shes alive and lives within 10 miles). I will always love my first wife...love never dies, it just sometimes turns into hate. Your children will learn lots more about sex, pre-marital sex, cheating, etc. at school and from friends than they will ever learn from you or their father.

kja63 - the difference is that with me, sexual activity outside of a marriage is not taking place in the presence of my kids.......

You are a saint among saints, and your are sooooo superior to your children's father

Answer 4

Yes- I think you are right in this! Divorce is hard enough on the kids as is, when you add another person into the equation it causes confusion, not to mention what if they don't stay together, then that's another person that the kids have gotten close to that they see leaving. Depending on the ages of the children, it encourages sleeping around. The kids know they aren't married and they may not equate sleeping together with sex yet, but they know that it's something that married people do. And yes, typically the courts frown on this type of behavior. I doubt you would be able to remove custody from him for this, nor would you want to if he accommodates with the order from the judge. The kids need BOTH parents, as long as BOTH parents are doing what's right and are providing a healthy environment. Looks like the court is going to make him adhere to the no sleeping over rule. Just be prepared b/c he may see the kids less and less if he can't have his woman around-- that happens a lot!

Answer 5

It is such a touchy situation, but if you aren't allowing your bf to stay the night when the kids are their, then his gf shouldn't stay the night when the kids are at his house.
My bf is divorced and on the weekends and nights that he has his daughter, me and my son will sometimes go over and we will all have dinner together but then we go home. Early enough so that he and his daughter have some time together without guests.
In some states it is actually illegal to have someone of the opposite sex that is not your spouse to stya overnight when minors are present. This is also something that alot of couples put in their divorce decree, that until a parent remarries there will be no overnight visitors, when the children are in the home.

Answer 6

As a mother, you have the right to say what your children are and aren't exposed to. But also the husband as well. But I think in this case you are protecting them, children have this idea of their parents together, and they may not feel comfortable with third parties, no matter what they may tell you. I think that you should just talk reasonably with your husband. Try to avoid courts and stuff like that cause it is hard on the children. If you say it in a way that your husband does not feel threatened (his ego etc) then he might do what you ask for the children's sake.

Answer 7

Well, if he only has the one partner then its not really fair of you to decide for him when he can be with that person, you choose not to in front of your children that was your choice, you could ask him not too but if you are not together anymore and you are with someone else then you need to let go and let him make his own decisions. What example are you setting by letting your children see you two argue over these things and going in and out of court, I was one of these children once, you are doing more harm than you think.

Answer 8

Until you or your husband is seriously involved with someone, the kids shouldn't even be meeting the other person. They don't need a revolving door of extras in and out of their life. Common sense should dictate that. Question though - why aren't you and your husband even legally separated but yet already dating others. What sort of example is that setting for your kids?

Answer 9

could JEALOUSY be a big part of this?? move on and act like an adult. kids will know the difference sooner or later and there's no sense in you making it later thus hindering their knowledge. let them decide if they want to accept the idea or not of their dad's g/f spending the night. who gives a rat's a s s what the court said-you could be making that up as far as we know so try that stupid saying on someone else.

Mom of B & D

Answer 10

no you dont have the right. i understand not wanting your kids around sexual activity, but who is to say that is what is going on there? not you. so you would rather your children not know their father because of another woman? thats a mistake and i hope you come to your senses, their is more important things than worrying about if he is having sex with his girlfriend. just talk to him about your concerns, but don't try to take his custody away, which i doubt you could do just for that reason

Answer 11

Yes you have the right to have a say so in the moral environment your children are brought up in. Of course, your husband also has that right.

I suppose the courts will decide who is "reasonable" thought it's really a shame it had to come to that.