I have a monumental problem and i think i just found out about it. My dad was a wife beaterhe beat my mom up infront of me. It kinda stuck in my head and ever since i have the problem of not dating guys cos of this. im twenty somethin and have NEVER dated. will i ever escape this???
2007-02-19 23:39:44 · 8 answers · asked by Livin lonely 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
This is a very common issue, believe it or not. Lots and lots of people, both men and women, suffer from residual effects of having abusive parents. So take heart in the fact that you are not alone.
Honestly, it would probably be wisest to seek guidance from a licensed therapist on this matter. They will be able to help you far more effectively than any complete stranger on Yahoo answers.
Nevertheless, here are some tips to ease you into the dating scene.
#1: Keep your first dates in public places. Drive yourself to these places and meet him there. Drive yourself home. You can be "alone" without actually being at his place or yours... abusers aren't likely to do anything unless they are someplace where they know for sure they won't be witnessed being abusive.
#2: Take careful stock of the guy. Watch his mannerisms. Does he have a temper? How easily does he become irritated? Good clues are comments he might make about the waiter/waitress at dinner or how long it takes to get the food.
#3: Does he try to make other people out to be responsible for his problems? Passing blame is not always associated with abuse, but it's something to watch out for.
#4: How does he treat animals and children? Make one of your dates a trip to the zoo. Gauge his reactions to animals. Does he seem comfortable around children?
#5: Is he hypersensitive? Men who take offense easily and leave you feeling like you have to "tread carefully" show classic abusive traits.
#6: Is he controlling? If he must have his way (his choice of dates, etc.) then that should be a warning sign.
#7: Is he verbally abusive? Does he seem overly critical of other people, or especially, of you?
#8: If dating seems to be going well, arrange a meeting with a guy friend or even a guy relative around your same age for right before you meet him. Arrange it in such a way as he sees you two together. As he walks up, cue the guy to say goodbye, or just introduce the guy by his name without telling your date who he is. Then see if he appears jealous. Asking "who was that" might be normal, but if he starts getting really inquisitive, he might be a really overly jealous guy.
#9: Watch out for isolation. Sometimes abusive guys follow a slow pattern. At first, they're great and sweet, but as you go along you find yourself more and more isolated from your friends and family. If you feel as though he's isolating you, get out.
#10: If you ever feel threatened by him, or if he ever touches you in an abusive way, GET OUT. Do NOT stick by him. Go to your mom/sister/aunt/cousin/friend immediately. If he does hit you (God forbid) make sure you get a polaroid of it and I strongly suggest calling the police.
Nobody deserves to be abused.
I know it will probably be very scary and intimidating, but think of it like this: If you keep yourself closed away and don't ever risk dating because of what your father did to your mother, then his abuse wasn't only towards your mom. It also affected you, and by not going out there and testing the waters, you're letting him control your life, even now. I think any compassionate and caring person, myself included, would be saddened by such a travesty, as you are obviously a sweet person.
Best wishes and good luck to you!
2007-02-19 23:59:47 · answer #1 · answered by wa-webguy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well you have to ask yourself if you want to remain single all your life. You are going to have to take some risks, and that might even mean finding out someone your dating is abusive. You might have a tendacy to be attracted to the dominant type of man, many, but not all, dominant men have an abusive nature. Plan on getting hit or abused by at least one man, it happens to most women. Don't worry though you will know how to spot the abusive man early on and avoid getting emotionally attached to him.
I recently went of a couple dates with a girl who was 23 and never dated before. Like an idiot, not learning from a past relationship, I fell for her because of her troubled past. She wouldn't open up to me, wasn't comfortable dating, didn't trust me, and cancelled the third date and decided she didn't feel she was ready to date. I felt sorry for the girl I don't know how she ever is going to have a boyfriend with that much fear and distrust inside of her.
I dated a girl in high school who had problems with her father abusing her. I really seemed to fall for her because I seemed to fall for girls who had problems. She never would open up, never trusted me, was very aloof and quiet. After that experience I swore I would never date a girl again with a troubled past, just too hard to make a relationship work. Recently I did date someone like her, much to my shagrin.
2007-02-20 00:11:07 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you really want a partner, it might be worthwhile having a chat with a professional counsellor about it. They may be able to put things in perspective and change your outlook on things. If you do nothing, the years will fly by, and later on in life you may end up having regrets that you wasted those years. You need to get over the initial fear of dating first. Once you build up experience, it will be easier to weed out the duds..
2007-02-19 23:51:34 · answer #3 · answered by Michael T 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Basically.. I'd find some counseling and talk it over with a licensed therapist who specializes in abuse. I'm sure it's not that uncommon, considering all the divorce etc. that goes on these days. You have good insight and are aware of it.. that's a positive.. There are nice guys out there and not all of them beat their wives. Sometimes we learn our dating habits or pick partners similar to our parents.. Hopefully not in your case.. but Good luck!
2007-02-19 23:53:38 · answer #4 · answered by xjaz1 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
One way to overcome a fear is sheer stupidity. Get up in the morning, take your "stupid" pills, just do whatever you are afraid of, get up the next morning, take your "stupid" pills again, and give it another try no matter how bad your experience.
Some people like to tell you about how you need to be brave or courageous, but I find "monumentally stupid" to be much easier to achieve in everyday life.
Good luck!
2007-02-19 23:46:06 · answer #5 · answered by El Gringo 237 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
You can. Trusting someone with your life is hard. You just got to find the RIGHT guy ! When you find a man, just give it time and dont move things fast. Whoever you date, you need to share your experience with them, and tell them how you feel. That way they are secure you and protect you.
2007-02-19 23:43:47 · answer #6 · answered by Encouragement 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Take some self defense lessons for the confidence that if you ever get into a bad date situation, you could do something about it. That will help ease your mind.
2007-02-19 23:43:45 · answer #7 · answered by Bread Crumb Maloy 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no,u wont&its good theat way more guys left 4 me
2007-02-19 23:44:51 · answer #8 · answered by alanna 3 · 0⤊ 2⤋