Single father needs help!!?

Question

I am a single dad to 4 teen-age boys. Let me state the obvious: I love them all and I want to see them happy and healthy.
The oldest is 19 and the youngest is 16.
They don’t have any consideration to the house they live in, their brothers and me.
I tried to involve them in house work but they are not interested what so ever to follow ‘the rules’. Every day after a long day in work, I came back home to find that none of them did what they were supposed to…
They only want to do what they want to do: smoke and play PC games all day long … then partying in the night.
They are not very much interested in work or school.
If you have any serious advice, I would be very grateful.

Answer 1

Tell them all to get out working if they want to live with you and help you with household chores or they are out the door..you dont need to be responsible for them now.

Answer 2

Try and make them think of your family unit as a 'team' in which each member has a part to play for the betterment of all - they might appreciate the sporting analogy. Be very clear with your expectations and about any sanctions you will take if the rules are broken (i.e. playstations will go on ebay if vacuuming/cleaning etc does not get done, cigatettes will go down the toilet unless they stop smoking at least in the house) and carry them through.

Have you had a family meeting to explain how hard it has been for you? And how much you do for them? It could be just that they don't genuinely understand how hard it is to run a house, buy food, cook it, do the laundry, keep it clean etc. Start off small and build up. Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

Take away the video games, and the smoking materials. I would not allow any of them to smoke anything in my home. If they want to smoke, fine, get a job and move out. Set up some rules, some chore lists and things they are expected to do. And the 19 year old should be in college or working or he would be put out. I have four sons 25,18, 14, 13. I am a full time student and a single mom. All must contribute to the smooth running of the household. Although, my two eldest children do not live at home, chores were a daily part of their life. Everyone involved must cooperate in the smooth running of the household and contribute. No exceptions. Set up some rules and guidelines and stick to them. Good luck and God bless****

Answer 4

The first thing is to take their doorkeys off them and say they can have them back when they can live to the rules of the house. You have allowed them to be in control rather than the other way round. Don't give them any spending money but 'pay' them for doing jobs, like ironing etc. Stop the payments of broadband or take out the skart plug from the PC until they tow the line. The tail is wagging the dog in the household. Do not be afraid of offending them, they will soon see that you are determined to regain control. If they move out, all the better for you. They will come back when next they need you. offspring cannot deal with a lack of boundaries and discipline, they have no guide as to what they should be doing or not and can't twig right from wrong. Write out a rota of jobs and who is responsible for what.......make this very fair. Then say, this is what is going to be the deal from ....say, next Monday, anyone not coming up to it, won't get any spending money. Make the eldest one or any over 18 go to the job centre and sign on....they make them go for interviews whilst paying them £45 a week. Take about a fifth of that off them towards their keep. DO IT, you are doing them no favours nor their future wives any favours by allowing them to be lazy good for nothings. Don't be soft, take control, discipline never hurt anyone.

Answer 5

It sounds like you haven't set any limits. They're testing you, seeing how far and long you'll let this go. If the older one (19) doesn't have a job or is going to a college of some sort, help him get that. Although he's 19, he might not be mature enough to realize that eventually he WILL have to leave home. Punish the younger ones with something such as loss of PC for so many days/grounded, and don't let them go to the parties. If they don't straighten out, threaten something more serious. You're the adult, they need to take you seriously.

Answer 6

The 19 year old, I'd tell him to go out and get a job if he doesn't have one. Make him pay rent, and if he doesn't like it he can move out. The rest of them that are in school, I'd tell them they have to finish their homework before playing games, no smoking and they must do their assigned chores. If they do not obey the rules, the computer will be taken out of the house and they will all get part time jobs. If they have to use the computer they will have to use it at school or the public library. I wouldn't put up with any disrespect what so ever. If they disrespect you now they will disrespect someone else as well.

Answer 7

Totally understand - this is a very difficult situation and they are at an age where it is difficult to tell them what to do because they don't want to know.
One possibility would be to take away something i.e computer games facility from them and tell them that until they start pulling their weight and helping out then they will not have access to it.
If you did this, it would probably cause a lot of problems at first because they would not be happy..so you would have to be prepared at first - but you need to make them realise that they have all the benefits of living in a lovely home and you're doing all the work.
Do not get angry with them - but keep calm and take no notice of any childish behaviour.

Answer 8

Make a list of all the things that you really have a control over.

Make a list of the things they want from you.

Make a list of (small) things you want them to do, each of them, and give them a (short) time frame to get it done.

Give consequences and rewards for getting / not getting them done.

Stick to it.

Cut the oldest one loose, if need be, as an example.

You're not authority, -since you've practiced not being one. It'll take 6 months to really see any change.

PS. I'd start with emptying the kitchen of all food, and or having the electricity shut off for non-payment. Then have a family meeting about how they can 'get back' the simple things in life they've come to expect.

Answer 9

FIRST of all THROW the 19 year old OUT with his clothes. He is an adult in the eyes of the Law and there is nothing that they can do.

Second, get the 16 year old emancipated and THROW him out too. You can also get the law involved and PUT HIM IN a Boot Camp. If you are man enough you can Teach them some respect if you know what I mean. YOU ARE the ADULT and let them know it. I raised my daughter for 16 years alone with custody of her, and she tried that crap with me, and I went and put her into a home for these kind of kids for 60 days and she got the message real fast. I have 4 wonderful grandchildren now and the respect of my daughter and it is out of LOVE not FEAR of me. She is in her 30s now and THANKS ME for the way I helped her when she was younger. She sees this now, but at the ages you are talking about, they think that they know everything. Kids today are nothing more than punks, and they know that they can get by with anything as the Law is AGAINST the parents, BUT I would spend 10 years in jail before one dissed me the way you are talking about.

Answer 10

I'm a Divorced Father of Three. But they're old enough to be out of the House. I'll tell you, like I was told. "Tough Love is Tough! But it may take it, to get your point across". Tell the oldest to get some kind of Part-time Job. Tell the younger ones to respect your Authority? Or they won't have the things that they want. The less, they do? The less they get! End of statement. Good Luck to you! Give yourself the 10 Points, for all of the hardship! LOL

Answer 11

Time for some tough love. Starting with the eldest. Give him two weeks to either find a job or go to school other wise he needs to move out. (don't worry they always find a place to stay) do the same thing all the way down the line. Find the punishment that would best suit the age, and go with it. Stick to your guns. Take away the pc, disallow smoking, whatever it takes.