'Out of control' 3-year old son...please help??

Question

My son was an angel till he turned two-and-half. But still he could be managed to an extent. But since he started going to school January of this year, he has turned into a little monster, totally out of control. He has become disobedient, he refuses to acknowledge us, he just simply does not listen to us at all. We are also trying to potty train him at the same time and nothing is working out. This is so frustating and both my husband and I are very upset. The only word my son is in love with right now is 'NO'. He throws tantrums, he screams and cries. His behaviour doesn't change even when we take him out. Either he won't get in the car, or if he is inside, then he won't get out. Sometimes we wonder why we bother...it is a battle all the way through. Today was the last straw when his pre-school teacher complained that he was very naughty and disobedient. How do we discipline our child? How do we get back our sweet little boy? Please help urgently.

Answer 1

What are your disciplinary actions? Are you strict enough? Alot of people dont believe in spanking but it can be done in a way that is not child abuse. For instance, My father spanked us kids when we were that age, however and this is a BIG part of it, he never, ever did it in anger. He would calmly explain ONE time to not do something or we would get a spanking, if we pressed the issue, we got the spanking. It never ended with just the spanking. The love that followed was also very important. It reiiterated the fact that he did not do it in anger. After the spanking, he made sure we knew that he loved us. He would say " learn your lesson?" we would say yes, then he'd say " good, lets go fishing" or something positive like that. He never let us just sit and cry thinking we were horrible children and thats why we got spankings. Thats just my opinion on it, but it seemed to work on five kids. three of us are Firefighters/US law enforcement, one is a computer programmer and the other is now with god.

Answer 2

I can relate! I know what you are going through. My oldest was the same way. As a mother of three I have realized that the phrase terrible twos does not exist. they should call it terrible threes! The one thing that has worked for us with behavior is the traffic light. Green is good, yellow is a warning, and red is bad. We would tell the kids if they stay on green for the day they get a reward. A piece of candy, a ticket or sticker to collect towards a toy they want etc... Once that is in place you can extend it to two days, three days and so on. Remember to give warnings in between. It sounds funny at first in the store, "stop that right now or you’re going on yellow!" but those words become really powerful and you won't have to yell anymore. Red means time out. And point out NO sticker or ticket, etc...1 minute for every age. Since he is 3, 3 minutes will work. I used construction paper to make the traffic light and a bulletin board and a big tack. Be consistent and the only tantrum you will see is when you move the marker down to red. As far as potty training I hung a poster board in the bathroom and let them put a sticker on every time they went they love putting the sticker on themselves. When they had a certain amount of stickers they earned something. What ever you decide. 1 sticker for potty 2 for poop. Last but not least this phase is temporary. It really is a good thing as much as it drives us crazy. It means you raised him so well he is secure enough to say "NO" He knows you will still love him. He is separating from you which are so important. Ignore the tantrums he is looking for a reaction from you. Good luck sorry I wrote a book.

Answer 3

There are a couple of things going on here.

First, he is learning to test his limits with you...both of ours did that. It is part of the 2-3 year old behavor. Sorry for you there, it sucks.

Second, he is going to school, it is not all mommy/daddy time, and he is acting out to get attention from you, positive or negative does not matter to him, he is calling for attention. Kids that age exist in one of two states...calling for love/attention or extending love/attention.

Next, our son did a couple of those things. He once refused to get in the car. We got in and drove off - just around the block and right back - last time that happend. He would always take his shoes off in the car...fine if we were going a long way, but a pain in the rear if it was just to the store...so,we had told him not to take them off, he did, so he walked into walmart in the snow barefooted. Never had a problem with that again. He had a habit of getting boxes of cerial out of the pantry, which is fine with us if he wants to eat, but inevetably, he would spill them and make a big mess. Finally, I had enough cleaning it up. So, I turned his favorite movie on, and made him 'miss' it until the cerial was all picked up...probably a little mean, but the boy WILL learn that there are consequences to behaviors, actions, and decisions. Each time he got up, I simply put him back in the floor by the cerial, told him he could not get up until the mess was clean. Same thing with his room (now), once a week it is cleaned, he can not come out of his room that day until it is squared away. Each time, he gets a little faster.

Of course, we are not above spanking. Sometimes, just a little swat on the rear will get the message across, without a bunch of drama. Spankings usually come in once I have said something a couple of times, and he continues. "Leave your sister alone" - 5 min. later, same thing...3rd time, spanking.

We leaned that an important part of discipline is consistancy. You have to do it the same way everytime, or he will never know what to expect, and that is stressful and confusing for them. Another aspect is communication. Even after the corrective action is taken, generally I ask if he knows what he got in trouble for, if not, I sit down, and explain clearly, then ask him what I said. Respect is also important. Everytime I tell him no, it is no, sir. I give him respect, but I also expect him to use proper respect.

These are some of the things that have worked for us. All kids are different...but the consistancy and the communication are universal.

EDIT
Wow Peterpansdate - that is the LONGEST run-on sentance I have ever, ever seen...and not one iota of punctuation. That has to be the hardest to read answer ever - and you hold a bachelors degree in education. I hope you don't teach english - especially to MY kids.

Answer 4

I expect you have tried the obvious and talked to him. Try when a big school man baby behaviour is no suitable. My eldest had these problems and it took ages for me to twig that in her mind all the good things happened when she was at school deliberately in order that she was excluded. Made it difficult having to go back to shopping etc with all 4 but found that with time she became a very important person in the shopping because she had important duties (ie get the milk, choose the fruit etc) I tried to include a treat all together at the end of the expedition then that we could share but didn't happen if we didn't have tiime because of misbehaviour. Also in treat time I tried to concentrate on talking to her about her day at school as something special that the other kids were not old enough to understand.

Answer 5

Both my boys went through these phases, so you're not alone. I always found time outs to be an effective tool. The rule of thumb is 1 minute per year for the age of your child (3 for your son). I also have found that creating behavior charts as a great positive reward system. Below I have listed a couple resources to help you out.

Also, it's important to remain calm when disciplining, and to follow through with any "threats" you may give - like time outs, TV off, etc. If you still have concerns with your son, you can talk it over with your pediatrician who can better guide you. Good luck and know that all us moms have gone through this!

Answer 6

your son is going through his pushing stage i call it kids usually do it at 2 but his is starting now. whatever you do don't get frustrated because he'll use it against you. remember it is a faze it will take some time to pass i have a 6yr old daughter and i know. so in the mean time you and your husband need to stick together and be aggressive in the way on rewards and punishments. get down on his level and tell him look this is what i want you to do if you do it this is what will happen. because it also sounds like he is seeking attention and the way he gets it is to act out. i gave my daughter attention but she wanted more because I'm a single mother and worked full time so she would do things to get more attention so we did the reward system for every good thing or helpful thing she did she got a star on this board i made after she got 10 stars she get to pick a day and a activity to do just us and it worked. it took some time and alot of taking things away from her when she did bad stuff but she finally got the picture and that was between her 2 and 3rd year and know she is good i have to remind to do stuff but i have no more behavioral problems. hope this gives you a idea hope it gets better for you

Answer 7

Consistant discipline helps. You may not like it, but sometimes a spanking will get the point across.

Another thing you might try is something that worked for me. I had bought my daughter a television set for her room for her birthday one year. Any time she got out of line, I took the television away. I mean, I unplugged it and put it my closet. She could have it back after a predetermined amount of time or after she'd corrected her behavior.

I'm not suggesting you buy your son a TV, but there is something that he loves - some physical object or privilege - that you can take from him when he gets out of line. It's not meant to be cruel, but to show your child that his actions have consequences. Ask yourself what he thinks will happen if he acts out? Is he worried about the consequences? If not, then perhaps you can find a consequence that he will be concerned with.

This worked for me, but all children are different. You just have to keep trying different things until you find something that works with him. If you keep doing the same thing nothing will ever change.

And don't let anyone tell you that acting out is his way of dealing with some issue that is bothering him. It's his (or any child's) way of trying to take control.

Answer 8

Have you had his hearing tested? Talk to your doctor about this behaviour problem as there may be more to it than him being just plain naughty. Yor doctor may even be able to suggest some effective strategies for coping if you find that there are no underlying health, diet or stress issues. What strategies does the teacher use? Arrange a meeting and try to implemment a consistant approach to his behaviour. If you all form a united front he will be much easier to deal with, but please to speak to your doctor first. You would not want to be punnishing him for something that is out of his control. My little brother was like this at the same age and it turned out he had asthma and sinus problems.

Answer 9

3 in my opinion seems about a year to young to start school anything he will learn at this age can be taught to him by his parents since this issue got much worse after he started school have you considered taking him out and spending some more time with him. Some children do not adjust well at a young age to school. That is totally normal. He just isn't ready. Also discipline is tricky at that age you have to make sure heunderstands that you love him but you don't like his actions. Stand firm when you make a threat (like "if you can't behave in the store you can't go to the store") Be sure to follow through with it or he will never belive you and never listen to you. Resolve these issues now and you life will be alot eaiser a couple years down the road. And one more note in reguards to it getting worse when he started school. MAKE SURE he is being treated well and with kindness there. Even in the nicest schools some teachers aren't mentally qualified to deal with children.

Answer 10

this is a combination of a few things the terrible twos can happen at any point so early for some and it seems like for you late you may want to slow down on the potty training thing right now till you start getting the behavior under control with him starting school and then potty training the little guy might be on over load also he may be trying a few things he has figured out at school as a preschool teacher you never can truly tell how a kid will act till the second week of school because once they are comfortable they see how far the teacher can go and then they know how far they can push it so now that he realizes he can do certain things at school and have very little consequence he will keep doing it and so he is trying this out at home! he needs to realize that his behavior will not in any way be tolerated and with that being said it may mean you having to be willing to do several things such as if while shopping he acts up you must tell him if you do not stop we will leave and if he continues then you walk away from the cart leaving everything and go home he then is put in his room for a time out and told when i go back for my things you will not go with me and when your spouse comes home then you go and leave him home this is very hard for you to do because you may have just wasted alot of time getting your items but it will send a sold message that i mean what i say when he acts up at a restaurant then you tell him if you do not stop we will leave and if your not done with your food then you just leave packing up your stuff and going home telling him again next time we go out you will eat at home and we will not take you you may feel at first that you are being punished but it is more a way of letting your son see you will come through with what you say some where he has gotten the idea that you will not and this happens we all give in when we shouldn't but he has taken it to a point now that its not OK and so you must reestablish with him that idea of what we say we mean if he plays at the table and you tell him if you keep playing your dinner is done then he must be done if he keeps playing when you say pick up your toys and he says no then you tell him if i do it then they go in the garage and i keep them then you do it when he walks away from them you go get a bag or box put them inside and out they go in to the garage or where ever even if he starts to help you keep what you got and tell him he may keep the rest of what he picks up and after you see that he has picked up the toys all you may tell him since you did a nice job you may choose one toy from my box to keep but the rest are on time out till i see you can keep doing a good job and after he cleans up the next time then he gets them back but you must come trough 100 out of 100 times or your word means nothing be realistic in your treats don't say you wont have a birthday if you don't mean it children catch on really quick to things like that when he throws his tantrums you need to pick him up and place one of the child proof door handle covers on his door and tell him when you scream and yell we do not hear you and close the door and tell him when i hear you quite i will come back and we can talk and under no circumstances do you come back until he is quite for at least 5 minutes!