Does the punishment fit the crime here?

Question

Does the punishment fit the crime here?
i allowed my nearly 21 y/o neice to marry in my home without her telling her dad////my brother...i didn't like doing it...but was feeling pressured to do so from my neice...who was actually more like my daughter....we were extremely close...long story short.....when her dad found out.....i was totally banished from the family....even my dad threw me away....that was 3 years ago......they say they will never forgive me......i'm not allowed communication with their other 2 children either....he says he has to protect his children from me......before this i was the perfect aunt and sister......was available to babysit at a moments notice.....kept at least one of his kids every week end....we were all as close as a family could be.....i miss them so very much and blame myself for losing them...the neice is back in their good graces.....he says its all my fault.....much more here.....but no space left.....should what i did be a life time punishment?

ok alot of you have said to aplolgize to my brother and talk with him.....i have apologized 1000's of times....i have talked...i have begged...i have graveled....i'm actually embarrassed at the way i have begged him.....i have cried to him....pleaded.....nothing works.....i know i did this to myself....i blame no one else.....i was the adult....i should have said no and just let her go some place else.....but i loved her so much.....we were far more than neice and aunt.....she has always had me wrapped around her little finger....i've begged my brother to lets go talk to a 3rd person.....he refuses.....i betrayed him....and he will never forgive me.....i am no longer a part of his life.....or his other 2 children....someone else asked if my niece talked to me and about her marriage.....her parents made her divorce the guy asap....and forbid her to talk to me....thats an even bigger hurt....i did it all for her and now i don't even have her....thanx for the replies and support

Answer 1

okay, you realized you made a big mistake here, and you have apologised for it and tried to make ammends. That is all YOU can do, the rest is up to them, If they want to alienate you, you have no power to stop them. However, I think bygones should be bygones, the deed is done. And I might point out, your niece WAS of legal age to marry. So it's not like you did anything illegal here. I think the rest of your family ought to grow up, but if they haven't yet, don't hold your breath. I wish you the best. Try to get on with your life and let them stew in theirs. I know this was not much comfort, but it is the best I can offer.

Answer 2

Let me guess, you live in the South. I live in the South too, and when a family member holds a grudge against you, then you can bet it's for life. You have my sympathy. Your brother holds the key to it all - - - and at some point in the future he may realize that even though he was deeply hurt, that he has taken your punishment too far. Does he attend church or is there a community pastor that will consider talking to him? Sometimes a good pastor can be a great mediator.

Meanwhile, be patient. Forgive yourself and move on knowing that someday things will turn around. Hold on to that hope and pray for it. Remember family birthdays (even his) by sending cards. Also send notes of encouragement or get well wishes to family that are sick or going through tough times. Support your nieces/nephews' sports events or whatever activities they are involved in so that they will know you care. Does your brother support a favorite charity? If so, make a contribution in his honor. You never know what might soften his heart. Just don't be too hard on yourself. You have made yourself suffer enough. Put it all in the past.

Answer 3

Your brother is a control freak. His daughter was 21, he could not stop her from getting married. He apparently was able to turn everyone against you. Is your entire family intimidated by him?

I am sorry to say this because I know you miss and love your family, but if he is that controlling it would have happened eventually anyway. If it wasn't the marriage thing, it would have been something else.

Your dad is at fault too. He has no reason to turn against you. Don't blame the children; it is not their fault.

I do know how you feel. I was very close to my brother's family. He has three daughters. His wife managed to turn the children against me (the 16 and 17 year old). The 10 year old doesn't know what is going on. I believe in my case, she does not want my brother to have anyone is his life except her. She is a real control freak.

Answer 4

Your niece was an adult at the time of her marriage. You were trying to honor her wishes and make her happy. Her family had no right to step in and make her divorce the guy. That should of been up to her, just like marrying the guy was.

If your family can't understand your reasonings, then even though hard, let it go. Don't keep asking to talk or forgive, let it go. I can tell you are miserable over something you have no control over, your family's hardheadedness.

Give Al-anon a try, it is a place you can go and talk about your feelings in dealing with your family.

Best of luck to you, don't let them take your power away for even a day more.

Good luck!

Answer 5

Your niece is 21 and she is an adult! If she didnt get married at your home then she would have somewhere else. There has to be a reason why she didnt want her family there. She felt more comfortable being married in your home and instead of them being mad at you, they need to take a look at why the niece didnt want them there. If you have apologized over and over again then that is all you can do. You need to know in your heart you apologized and let it go. Your niece is an adult, not a little teenager. It was her choice to get married and her father needs to realize that and get over it. It is now up to your niece to explain to them why she wanted it that way. Instead of them being mad and blaming you they need to be upset with her. They forgave her and is in back with their graces, they should forgive you even though you didnt do anything wrong but open your home and hear to your niece. I would quit worrying about them and go on with your life and make yourself happy. Remember you can pick your friends but not your family. Make some new friends and go on. Dont let them continue to punish you and treat you that way. Your niece needs to make good by this also, if not then I guess she may be 21 but still immature. Hang in there!

Answer 6

no, i think they are going to the extreme here. if they can find it in their hearts to let her back in then they should have no problem letting you back in. however, there really is nothing that you can do about it except express to them how you feel. if they do not want to let you back into their lives then i am sorry to say but that is the way it is going to be. as hard as this may seem to you, if this is the case, then you need to cut your losses and move on. there is no sense living in the past. focus on the future and making a good life for yourself. i don't think they realize what they are doing when they say that they don't want you around. they are throwing away a part of their family. this is sad. remember, you are a great person and you have your own life. hope things work out for you in the end. wish i could help more. good luck.

Answer 7

Its sounds as if they have lost someone truly dear and wonderful.
YOU

I too would have done what you did. I always have a open door to family.

Your brother sounds controlling.....

I would give it time....live and be happy knowing that you are a good person and have a wonderful heart.

I know its hard to wait and you want things to be different...but try.
I think I would continue to send cards for the children even him...do the things you would normally do however at a distance...you know in your heart you are doing the right thing...hopefully he will come around...but at least you will know that you have done what you can.
Keep peace with yourself and try to think positive peace for him.

Best wishes.....good things do come to good people....

Answer 8

First of all talk to your neice and ask her just hy she insists treating you like crap when you did this for her, also ask if she is happy, and then you need to ask her to please tell her father that the idea was hers and because she put you in the spot you coved. If this doesn't get you anywhere then..leave even though they are family, you do not need to be treated this way...soemtimes friends are more family than blood.

Answer 9

Depends on crime.

Answer 10

Tell them to grow up and stop acting like a bunch of crybabies. Tell them you don't have the time or patience to listen to their bullshit. It's your house and you don't need their permission to do what you want in or out of your house. And they need to get over it already.