why does my fiance allow his exwife to treat me this way?

Question

i have been with jim for 5 yrs and he has been divorced for 6yrs.jim has joint custody with his ex of his 8 yr old "jen".jen loves me and i love her too.the problem is her mom hates me and treats me like a criminal/outsider.for example one time there was a issue at daycare and jim wanted to put his ex on speaker phone so i could hear and she was like NO WAY. i am not to have any contact with her school,doctor,freinds ect.not only does jim allow this to go on but his does not see this as a real problem even thru he knows this bothers me alot.his mom told me(and she agrees with me)he just does not like to fight thats why he will not say anything to her,but we fight over this all the time.he would rather fight with me than her?he told me the reason is his child,he does not want to make it difficult for her.

just to add he left her but i had nothing to do with it.how should i handle this as we are getting married next june

Answer 1

accept that you are the childs potential step mother,, there is no reason , even though you care, for you to have input in her school,,,, or other parts of her life,,,,,,, you are an outsider in that parent /child/parent relationship,,,,, its hard i know, but if you step back and accept it,,,,, only be kind to the child when she is with you,,,,,,, that would be your role,,,,,, even later after you are married,, the child has a mother, and a father,,,,,,,, she doesnt need another mother,,,, just a friendly person in her life,,, as you move on and have children of your own, you will understand this

Answer 2

It is pretty natural for a mother to want to be the mothering one, who takes care of the school, doctor, daycare.........all those things. Jim has partial custody, and obviously, he let her take care of those things while they were married. It's her job. It always has been.
It is natural for the exwife to NOT want to be 'friends' with you, if you, especially, were any reason for the divorce. Still, she could be angry that HIS life is moving on and hers may not be. She doesn't want to loan out any important things regarding the children to you, and since you are not married, anyway, it seems appropriate.
I am not saying that exwives and new wives should be angry at one another. My mother was married more than once, and had a great repohr with new wives and ex husbands. She never stepped on any toes, by expecting the other couple's children to think of her as anythin except an ex-wife. Really, put yourself ALMOST in her shoes. You get married to Jim and have a baby. Soon the baby is in pre-school. For some reason, Jim decides to get a divorce and you are the exwife with your toddler. Jim, now calls you to say that he's picked up the little one at daycare for you, and his new finacee wants to hear what is said. WOULD you want this person listening into your private conversation that was about your child and Jim's child? I'm not trying to be mean. I am trying to put the shoe on the other foot. The exwife may be still mourning the fact that her marriage failed. She may believe that all she has left are the children! Now, she gives complete attention to each child, and would feel very intruded upon if ANYONE else wanted to take part of THAT away from her.
Be kind. Jim sounds as though he's trying to keep the peace. Let it be peaceful for both of you. Do not get angry................learn more understanding of how this exwife must be feeling.

Answer 3

Mary dear,
Jim and Jen were Daddy and girl before you. There was a Mommy and that wasn't you. Jim was ready to move on and Mom wasn't. You're stuck with a difficult scenario. Be good to Jen (she's the real issue here) and be polite and RESPECTFUL to Mom. Let here know you want what's best for Jen. By showing her you want the best for her child she will see you as a responsible adult. In these cases kids come first. Adults second. Bless you for caring.

Answer 4

if you can not resolve these issues now then you should not get married as the issues will get bigger. sounds to me like he does not respect your position in the relationship. also sounds like maybe he still has feelings for his ex if he is so accommodating to her. it is very difficult when families split and a new person so to speak is thrown in the mix. you say you have been with him for five years but the fact is you are an outsider when it concerns that child as you are not related at all. the mother is going to be territorial of her child but he should set some ground rules. he would rather fight with you than her because that is the mother of his child and he does not want to disrupt a mother father relationship for the child. these issues you face are the burdens of baggage and normally do not get better just more tolerable. good luck

Answer 5

Let me tell you this from a divrosed faimly on a childs perspective, your thinking FAR too much about yourself. If you really do love his kid then get over it.. Im not trying to be rude but your messing with someone elses life here. The kid is the absolute most important thing in the world, not jim, not his x wife and most deffintally NOT you. Just be there for her as much as you can. I understand that 5 years is a lot of time but at the same time your still not the kids mother. Its great that you want to be in the kids life, and personally I think you should be allowed to be. A divorse is devistating on children, dont take that for granted, just try to make it as comfortable for the kid as possible and maybe eventually both of them will let you further into her life.

Answer 6

this problem is NOT something that will go away so if it is that big to you, you might want to weigh it out to see if you really want to marry him. And if you do marry him try to deal with it the best you can without fighting.
I just got married last summer and we have always had huge problems with his ex and when we got married the problems just got worse because I think she is jealous. She is getting child support through 2 states illegally i might add and it takes 3/4 of his check so we cannot afford a lawyer to fight it and the state will not help us. we cant afford to live so be happy you don't have to deal with that

Answer 7

Jut remember, you and Jim aren't married YET. To the ex...you aren't officially her daughter's step mother. All you are is her ex husband's girlfriend. She's bound to be angry if another woman's opinion is taken into consideration at this point. Really...and I hate to say this because it may sound like I'm against you...(but I'm not). It's better for you to stay out of decisions such as daycare, education, when she gets her driver's license etc....that come up between her parents.

She has two natural parents who will always be the ones to decide. You can voice your opinion to your husband, but don't expect his ex to even consider your opinion. You should have a say in the rules she's expected to follow while at your house, and you should be able to form as close a relationship with her as you want...but if you expect to be considered an equal parent to her mother and father, BY her mother and father...honey...it's not going to happen.

Just imagine if you had a child, and some other woman tried to make decisions that would affect him/her. Now, personally I wouldn't be terribly upset by an opinion, BUT..if my ex-husband started saying things like "WE'VE decided she should go to this pre-school." I would tell him to jump in a lake...because final decisions that affect my child's life, need to be decided between me and my ex. It's nothing against you, but her maternal instinct will always kick in.

Answer 8

his wife senses Jis weakness and desire to not get confrontational, so shes taken the role of the aggressor.

as you must do to.
If its merely about the child, at school and other things then its understandable. shes mother, and over time you will earn a say in the matter.

so long as child is not doing things to disrespect your house or you, then hey, kinda hard to argue your case.As soon as it becomes disrespecting your your house then its time for you to step up and show that wont be tolerated.


tough situation, time will work it out.
but Ive known a few girls who couldnt hanle the same situation.
Jims gotta learn to put his foot down!
If he cant, you have ot set him straight!
Its your house too.

Id take it on a situation by situation basis

Answer 9

Until the issue is resolved...I would NOT be getting married! However, Jen is the responsibility of the biological parents...so as long as they can handle situations with school, doctors, etc, then stay clear of it and let THEM handle it. BUT...if you can't be included the way you want to be...do NOT allow yourself to be used as a babysitter or taxi service for the child. Make it clear that you are to be either included or excluded...nothing in between

Answer 10

She is like that towards you because she feels your fiance wants you as her daughters "new mommy" she is jealous of you for having her ex and her daughter. It is normal. My mother hates my dad's wife (well so does the whole family but thats a different story). You fiance does not want to fight with her because of their daughter they have together. I was eight when my parents divorced and it was hard tosee them fight over us. It is not good for the child to see her parents fight over her. You will be okay, eventually his ex will stop acting like a jealous school girl and learn her bad attitude is not helping anyone and could possibly be effecting her daughter. Good luck

Answer 11

Guys never seem to realize stuff like that is a problem. If it doesent effect them, they dont realize.
But even if he did realize, what can he do? Its her daughter, and she has the rights over her daughter. There may be nothing he can do to make her not act like that. Its not uncommon for her to act ugly, because she may be jelous and doesent want you to have anything with her daughter. Just be your self, and do the best you can, for the sake of the girl. Hopefully, the mom will come around.