I have a step daughter age 11 who lives with her mother?

Question

My step daughter is a result of a one night stand so she has never known her parents tp b 2gether. She visits us every other weekend, and in the past 2 years her attitude and living arrangements have worsened. Her mother is married and has a 50 yr old boyfriend (she is 25) that lives with her and her husband and on top of it all my step daughter has lupus. She has learned to play the 2 sides very well. She tells me she hates it there and turns around and tells her mom she hates me. She complains about coming to our house cause I make her clean I make her clean her stuff not mine, every once in a while maybe ask her to do dishes. How do I get this kid to be real and stop telling me what she thinks I want to hear. I think she is a brat, and needs to be stopped. But we have no legal rights or the money to get them. I need help with the hole situation. Or I am going to have to give up.

Answer 1

You will never stop this unless you do not add to the situation. I know you are thinking you aren't but you are. Don't worry about what she is saying to the other side. It isn't your concern. Your concern should be to keep her safe at your house while she is visiting. There are no easy ways to deal with this. My daughter does the same thing. The only way to stop it is to ignore it. Kids do this because they think they have to please the adults. And no matter who is at fault, it is every ones fault. Somewhere along the lines these kids were taught to worry about what their parentals think of them. This is the only reasons kids do this is to please both sides. I could go on all day about this, and I finally realized that I know I give my daughter a good place to live when she visits, and I know I do not talk bad or good about her mom or step dad. I just don't feed into that stuff too much drama. There is nothing you can do legally unless the child is willing to go into court and say it

Answer 2

My little sister got way out of hand with makeup when she turned 12. I really made me upset the amount of makeup she would put on. When I was 12 I barely brushed my hair everyday! Haha. I think it's okay to wear basic makeup like mascara and lipgloss and maybe a little blush when you're that young. Wait until at least highschool for eyeliner and darker stuff. As for the acrylic nails...what?! I worked in a beauty salon for a while and got my nails done regularly and I can't imagine being 11 and having to worry about my nails! For my little sister's birthday I took her to get a manicure and get her nails painted, but fake nails are too much. I agree though, little girls these days are growing up way too fast. I'm only 19 but a lot has changed since I was 11!

Answer 3

How is the relationship with the mother? I realize there was never a strong relationship between her father and mother, but maybe they can come together now. Ideally, her father, mother and you need to sit down together to talk about the situation, catch her in her lies and develop a strategy to disipline her.

Of course, since her father and mother apparently never had a relationship, that's probably impossible. She is acting out big time! She doesn't really have a "safe place" since she's bouncing back and forth. She has no one to talk to about her feelings with and probably feels powerless to change things. So, this is her way of letting all that out.

Maybe see if there are some options you can find for professional councelling for her. Though she may be resisitant at first, you and your husband need to sit and talk to her honestly and earnestly about the situation.

You know her better than I do so you know how receptive she would be to anything, but we've gone through similar situations with my nephews and niece.

sometimes it takes a lot of trial and error before you find an answer. Good luck!

Answer 4

Ahhhhh.. she's a kid!!! Take a step back. Remember when you were a kid? They are selfish! They just want everything their way! I'm 21, I remember very well what I was like to my step father when they first got married. It is embarrassing to me when I think about it now. But I was a kid too. You need to be the adult, no matter how frustrating it gets. Give it a few years... 20's maybe.... she will either apologies for treating you in such a way and love you for helping her through her tough years or you will drive her away.

Answer 5

This child needs attention. She may feel unimportant, if her mother lives the kind of life you say, the little girl could have some esteem issues. If you give up on her you'll be just another failure in her life. She'll grow up, just bear it, I know it isn't really your responsibility.. but if you really cared you'd stick it out. Clearly she doesn't have a good example in a mother, I mean she got pregnant from a one night stand! How irresponsible is that on her and the father's part?

Answer 6

Never give up on a kid. Patience, firm direction and appropriate responses to her outbursts are key in getting the results your looking for. Also, don't over look counseling. You mentioned money being an issue, check with the school or social services department in your area. Kids, naturally will pushj the envelope to see what they can get away with. Don't push back, but don't lose your resolve when you state/demand something.

Answer 7

You and your husband need to have a talk with her mother and her husband. Agree to ground rules for the step daughter. I think her Mom would feel really good if you went to her for her input. Tell her Mom that her daughter talks very negatively about her home life when she is in your presence.

Kids will manipulate when they can, it seems to be in their nature.
But as long as all parties involved talk about and realize what she is doing, then her scheming and manipulative behaviour will stop becuase she isn't fooling anyone at that point.

Answer 8

Sit down and have a heart to heart talk with her. Maybe what she needs to know is that you care about her. It sounds like yeah, she is a brat, but a brat who is messed up in the head. If at all possible , talk with the mother. It doesnt seem like the little girl is in a good situation and her behavior seems to be a defense mechanism. Maybe she geniunely hates her life and everyone in it, maybe she needs some counseling....

Answer 9

She just a kid. In maybe she a brat in all. And you know she playing both sides. If her mother try's to tell you anything you tell her look if she make mess she going to clean it, She in my house in I'll run it the way I choose to. She not force to come over your house. You need to talk to her but make sure you tell your husband first and do it in front of your husband. Trust me if you don't she will turn it all around you it's going to cause argument. So if your husband there he will know what was said. It's your home in you make the rules. I know I had 3 step kids. In they were all girls. My husband in I are getting divorce, not over them. I told his kids, look you don't have to like me or love but when your in my house you will respect me. I said it in front of my husband, just for the simple fact that they don't go say I said this in that. Because they will lie on you. In when she tells you she hates it at her mom's you tell her am sorry for that but you say that about here too. You need to let her know that your not going to play her games. Girl you need to get smart about step kids. They will play both sides. But also, you learn as you go. Maybe Dr.Laura C. Schlessinger books will help you.

Answer 10

Tough love is pretty good for a starter. The buck stops at your place. Make some rules and have her sign if she is going to abide by them. Put in curfew, no comparing, amendment clause to delete or add, etc. If she does not abide back she goes with an explaination to her mom...I bet your place is calmer without her? Good luck