Can I keep the past a secret and still have a healthy relationship?

Question

I made a lot of mistakes between the ages of 20 and 24. I did Ecstasy, smoked a lot marijuana, and drank. I also slept with some prostitutes. I am a changed man. When I was 24, I made a decision not to screw up my life like my parents did. I now have a wonderful woman in my life who I love dearly. She has a 5 year old daughter who I love as well. I have not told her about my past with drugs and (even worse) the prostitutes. I have been checked for all STD's. In fact, before I kissed her, I made damn sure that I was free of all STD's. There is no way I can tell her. She would leave me. We have been together for nine months, and we respect and love one another. We have been in only one argument and we talked it out rationally. I know this is the woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I feel like damaged goods. She has a great past. She has always been a good person. So, please give me some advice, ANYONE. Thank you so much.

Answer 1

I wouldn't completely spill my guts but I would definitely let her know that there are things in your past that you are not proud of andthat you are not that person anymore and that those things made youthe better person you are today. Dwelling on them will make you sick and always worried that you are going to be "Found Out" and pray about it if she is as wonderful as you say she will understand and appreciate you more for being honest

Answer 2

I would usually say automatically honesty is best but reading your questions has been pondering "the right" thing to do. I can tell you love and respect this woman with all your heart. The transgressions you have made were before her and is in the past. The hard part is that sometimes the pass can come up and bite you in the ***!
The relationship is only 9 months old, maybe wait a little longer until you are secure in sharing this with her.I'd bet after being with you a length of time and seeing you for the man you have grown into will assure her that these were in the past and not a recurring event.
I think the prostitute's might cause her concern because as woman we tend to be a tad judgmental t times. lol Let her know of all the precautions you took before even kissing her. (that impressed me)
I guess the nitty gritty of it all is you do what your heart tells you too and what you can live with. You sound like a n extremely honest, caring loving Man and I wish you the ball the best.

Answer 3

This is something that may plague you later on, that is for certain.

The big thing is to make an agreement with her that there will always be secrets in your life and inasmuch as she loves you, you feel it would be best to never talk about. By agreeing to those terms, she basically cannot hold what she doesn't know against you - but then you must make sure none of those things will ever haunt you either. If there is a remote possibility of someone or something to come out in the open (i.e. a child or disease) then the agreement is worthless.

Then remember, never to pry into her past or secrets as well. You must have a mutual bond in that respect.

A lot of people tend to think that if someone loves you, then they should love your past - not true. There are areas of trust that if they think there is the slightest possibility of your lapsing - then there will never be trust that is needed in the long run.

The big thing to is can you live with those skeletons as well? If so, and she agrees with leaving the past out of the present and future - then so, then go for it and good luck.

Answer 4

I am in the same boat. I have been with the man I love more than anything for 10 months and there are some things about myself that I am ashamed to tell him, even though he has been completely honest with me in every single thing. I just don't want to change his opinion of me. He thinks I'm wonderful, but I feel so damaged from the past. He has such high standards for personal conduct that I'm afraid he would leave if he knew some things about me. I spend an awful lot of time trying to cover for past mistakes. I plan to tell him, but not all at once. I think that you can do the same thing. She will probably be okay as long as she knows that all of that is over and how guilty you feel - that had you known someone so wonderful was in your future, you would have prepared better. My guy wants to marry me, but I promised myself that I won't do that until he knows everything about me. It would hurt me too much to feel that I was deceiving him in any way.

I'm trying to remember that I am a good person and the only damage I caused was to myself. People sometimes make mistakes and it takes some of us a little longer to mature than others. The fact that you have says a lot about your character and she is undoubtedly going to see that too.

Good luck and God bless!

Answer 5

So you don't have many options here , it is kinda like a double edge sword. You can keep it from her and risk her finding out years down the road, which would be worse than her dealing with it now. You don't necessarily have to tell her you were with some prostitutes you can say you slept with some questionable people. You are clean now and coming forward with your own demons will most likely benefit you. This is already bothering you and keeping it from her will be hard on you mentally. As a woman I wouldn't leave someone because they had a not so great past as long as now they are stable. Sit here down and let her know that you want to let her know a little bit of your past that you don't like to talk about. Tell her you screwed up your life for about 4 years and used drugs and slept with some questionable people. Tell her you felt is was necessary to tell her now before you two move on. You wouldn't want anyone to tell her years from now. Let her know that obviously you have changed and never want to go back to that lifestyle. If she loves you and knows that you are a good person now she will be able to accept it. I wish you the best!

Answer 6

Your past is just that.... it's past. Why drag the past into the present. Because you turned your life around, you can hardly be considered damaged goods. Why are you feeling guilty? Don't let guilt over youthful mistakes ruin this happy time of your life. Heck, who didn't make a boatload of mistakes between the ages 20-24. At that age, I woke up almost everyday with a hangover and had to drag myself to work. Every night was like Spring Break... one big party. Whew ! Glad I survived and moved on. No guilt, ok???

Answer 7

Who hasn't made a lot of mistakes? While you may think she has a perfect past, there has to be some things she just keeps to herself, or is waiting to tell you. If you feel so bad about keeping this stuff from her, test the water by telling her a few things you feel she would get the least upset by. If she is accepting and understanding, then tell her more. Continue to do so until you feel OK about the situation. Who knows, if you tell her one thing and she accepts it, you may not feel so bad about the rest. I'm not saying you shouldnt tell her, but if you know you are clean, you are sober, and you two are happy, then what would change by you telling her about a past that you are done with? Revealing yourself to her, even the parts you arent so proud of, should only bring you two closer. If she does get upset, just remind her that you have turned yourself around. You could even tell her she has had something to do with it. While she may feel uncomfortable because of her kid, let her know that you have done some of the things which she may worry her child will do in the future, and therefore you can better relate in those situations, while reaffirming the fact that it is all in your past. As long as you can assure her that she has nothing to worry about, everything should be fine. Unless you already lied to her about all of this stuff, in which case you need to dig yourself out of that hole before telling her all of this.

Answer 8

If you are being TRUTHFUL about being a changed man - and have been checked fully for STD's - and are claimed negative, then why torment yourself by BEING SO HARD ON YOURSELF and your past?
If you love this woman, have a child (hers) whom you love , she loves you, and you both have a good life together, why possibly spoil what you now HEALTHFULLY have, because you feel so guilty about your past.
Listen, EVERY ONE os us has something in our past we are not proud of. But if we are trying to change erroneous, self-destructive behaviour, and half a brand new chance to make our present and future life better, than, that's what's important.
You are punishing yourself too much.
Learn to Enjoy what you now have, which you say is good.
Bury the past, if that past you've transformed into a better present - toward a better future.
You are NOT the ONLY ONE, whose made mistakes when young. Forgive yourself, and consider yourself fortunate that, despite your past mistakes you've still gained an opportunity to be stable, constructive, and have a right to exercise the pursuit of happiness!
I hope to have helped. You seem to be a good person.
So just continue on that path . . continue being a good person.
Let the past rest.
Have you ever heard of the axiom : Discretion is the best part of valour?
Think about it. It makes a lot of sense!!!
Good Luck! I mean this sincerely!

Answer 9

Everyone has secrets.Tell her you have in the past done things your not proud of . But I wouldn't go into detail. It's your call, and it's yours to lose. You say you're a changed man, so what you have to do is prove it by your actions. And when ever you even think about doing something that may compromise this goal, think how much you appreciate not being like your parents. Be true to yourself. The rest will follow.

Answer 10

Well, I can see where you are having a hard time with this. This is not an easy situation.

Your past is your past. You are no longer that person as you say, and you have made sure that your past can not hurt her (STDs) so I think you should leave it where it is. Do not lie to her, if she asks you questions......but I see no reason to bring up your past when you have left it behind and are no longer that person.

Good luck!