HELP... I feel like a horrible mother!?

Question

Does anyone have a child that they love with all their heart but just cannot get along with? I have a 3 year old and 7 year old. (both girls) The 3 year old and I get a long perfect. The 7 year old and I have literally NEVER gotten along. She was a very difficult baby, she had colic and she has never been able to entertain herself at all. She has to have constant adult attention. She has a very controlling personality, she is always trying to totally control her sister and her friends when they play which leads to constant bickering. I try to make our relationship better by getting involved with her, I am the assistant at the gymnastics class she takes twice a week, i do all of her school parties and activities and try to plan special things we can do together but we always end up fighting. I love her so much but we just cannot seem to get along, our personalities clash so much and I feel really bad and I so badly want to stop fighting with her so much. Any suggestions?

I feel I should add that at school her teachers report that she displays ideal behavior, they always say she's a joy to have in class. She also spends slot of time with our neighbor, a middle aged woman with children that are all grown and her behavior is always good over there and with her grandmothers the same thing - good behavior. If she goes to a friends house the parents always report to me she was "so good" She also does very well at school as far as her grades go, she usually gets all A's. Why is she is only this way at home? I do admit that my husband and I do tend to spoil the girls, we were both raised very poor and have overcome that and try to give the girls the best, but we do always remind them how fortunate they are. We also expose them to less fortunate in the world and encourage them to do what they can to help, we adopt families at christmas and do other charity work as a family. When we are getting along she is very loving towards me.

Answer 1

You are not a horrible mother. You need to get that idea out of your head.

Sometimes, as a teacher, I would encounter a certain personality that would clash with mine. It made the days very difficult when all you want to do is care for this child. I soon learned that you have to wipe your slate clean for every new day. Start with a clean slate and forget those previous tiffs and power struggles. Sometimes children feel that they have accumulated so much and the odds are stacked against them... they just need to feel that they have a clean start.

On top of colic, it could now be that there is a little jealousy with the younger child. Build her up and let her know that she is a "role model" for her sister. Ask her to help you with things around the house- give her more responsibilty and leadership. Maybe her bossiness is really a cry for more independence - hey, she could be the next CEO! :)

I know it's hard...I have a very independent 15 month old... However, remember that children that act out, and sometimes are the toughest to hug and kiss on are the ones that need the most love, hugs and kisses.

If things reach a point where you need to vent, talk to someone. A trusted friend, a MOMS group, her teacher, doctor, etc. They all will have some great ideas...and you may learn a little bit more about your daughter in the process.

Good luck.

Answer 2

I have exactly the same with my eldest. He feels very threatened by my other two which were both far easier.

I try to make as much time as possible for him and can see an instant change in his behaviour. Before the other two came along he was the only one in our lives for 3 years and I try to remind him of that and that he got far more than the others did. It makes him feel important and makes him also realise that I do care and love him. Quite often its because they have had all that one to one attention they crave it. Just occaisionally embrasse it and give her what she misses. Her little world has been turned upside down over the last 3 years!

It is completly nautral, eldest child syndrome. Instead of so much charity work (charity work begins at home), I do comend you for this but there is plenty of time for that when your children are a bit older and not so needy. You need to get your eldest to feel she belongs and not to feel like an outsider. Nip it in the bud now and you'll be her friend for life and she won't resent you as a mother.

Motherhood is never easy and it doesn't have a manual. Your instinct is telling you that there is issues needing to be dealt with and if that only means spending the time to reassure her that you love her. Doesn't mean you have to put up with her bad behaviour but try to do something positive and look to them rather than all the rubbish she deals you.

Take care and hope this puts a little light on it for you.

Who said it would be easy! ;o)

Answer 3

in reading you rentry, my first thought was have you checked your older daughter to rule out any medical or emotional problems? Second, I believe it is okay to have favorites. Just make sure it does not show to them. Maybe do not try so hard to get along with your daughter. I know that sounds counterproductive, but she may be feeding off your attention and manipulating you. If she starts getting 'impossible', it is not a shame to simply tell her "mommy needs a break, I do not like fighting with you, we will continue when you settle down". Then walk away and do something else for a little while. She may need more disipline than your younger daughter. Remember, they ARE two different individuals and should be treated differently without showing favoritism. No one said it would be easy, and as far as I know, motherhood did not come with an instruction book. The important part is that you DO love her and are trying to be the best mother you can be.

Answer 4

Wow that is tough. I feel for you - you are not a horrible mother. At the risk of sounding like a jerk, it seems to me like you are crowding her. I wonder if you aren't doing too much for her; perhaps creating expectations for the relationship that are ultimately too high. At the end of the day you're her parent, not her best friend. If you were to step back and just mother her for awhile you may see a different side of her altogether. Your lack of closeness with her now is absolutely no indication that you won't become friends as she grows up. Many mothers and daughters don't really get along until the daughter grows up - or rather into - her own person. Best of luck to you & your family.

Answer 5

I agree you probably need to give her some space, but still let her know you love her. Growing up my dad and I had that type of relationship, I know even at one point he told my mom he loved me but he really didn't like me right then. I'm 28 now and we get along much better. Unfortunately it took us moving almost 2000 miles away from each other to bring us closer together. We still argue once in a while, but our relatonship is so much better. I think our problem was always that we're so much alike we couldn't be together for long periods of time. Hope that helps a bit.

Answer 6

You aren't a horrible Mother - my oldest daughter is difficult - always has been very strong willed - or so we thought, when we looked into it a little more we found out she has a mental disorder - they think obsessive compulsive disorder - but still not sure - might be bipolar. The point is - you might want to look into it a little deeper, sounds like there's more going on than just your personalities clashing. Here are a few web sites you can look at - see if any of the explanations sound like your daughter. You can also take her to a pediatric psychiatrist for an evaluation.

http://www.webmd.com/content/article/60/67113.htm
http://kidshealth.org/parent/emotions/behavior/OCD.html
http://www.coulditbebipolar.com/mini_c/CouldItBeBipolar/mdq/takeMood_step1.asp

Answer 7

Ugh well maybe you should look up my question "am I a bad mother" I asked it yesterday. If you need to talk about a kid you can't connect with I am Marymouse26@yahoo. E-mail me if you want.

I know it is very frustrating. I feel for you but you are doing nothing wrong. I happens sometimes... Our kids are not our kind of people I guess. The only thing to do is help them be who they are... you can't change them into the perfect child. Just accept it as it is and stop fighting, it is not worth it.

Answer 8

wow, this is too deep.
Have one-on-one time together, sometimes when I want to dedicate a special time for my kids, I make dates with them, one-on one only, we go out for a treat, movie, art class, beach walks and talk about anything. Is very important to have a good relationship with your children, you still have time to amend and connect with your son. Take him to work, show him the things you do, something that involves just you and your son.
Is not too late to start building a good relationship with him.
Communication is the key.

Answer 9

I can totally relate to this - my oldest is going thru the teen years & behaving horribly. My teen is the child that I do more for than any other, but who doesn't even appreciate it.

Answer 10

Get professional help for her now!