Hello. Me and my girlfriend have been going out for over 2 years now and i need help see added detailsVV?

Question

My girlfriend is overweight. She doesn't look huge or anything and im not sure how much she weighs as she will never tell.
Basically she is insecure, unconfident and unhappy. She has no sexual desire and she has a problem with intimacy at the moment.
I am desperate, i love her so much but i dont know what to do. She has bought a treadmill and many other fitness things, tries them for a week and then wont touch them. If i mention anything to her about losing weight, having a run, that sort of thing, she bites my head off. She is also very bad tempered. I just don't know what to do any more. I need intimacy. I don't care about the appearance so much, it's the confidence and the personality i want back. She is miserable and i need help. What should i do?????

she went to the doctor about a thyroid gland problem which i made her do and the doctor made her feel terrible. She basically told her that she was just fat because she was eating too much and told her there wasnt any point in a blood test because hardly anyone had it.

She wont go near bikes, she is too unconfident and thinks she will fall off.

I ask her to come on walks all the time but she never wants to, especially in the winter

i dont live with her, we both live with parents, were young.

she is more than good enough for me, i love her and she is a really special person. Shes just got bogged down with pressure and schoolwork that shes turned into a person she really didnt used to be

Answer 1

I've been on both ends of that spectrum and I can say that from her perspective, what's holding her back might be fear of failure. Maybe she's discouraged about actually losing weight so she doesn't want to try to not be dissapointed, but that offers her no alternative to her misery and she obviously isn't coping with it very well, so it's a vicious cycle for her. When it was me, I would have really opened up had me ex told me how he felt, openly and honestly. I'm not sure if you've already tried this, but if you haven't then give it a shot. Sit down with her and tell her how concerned you are, but make sure that she knows you aren't concerned because of the weight, but because she's unhappy about her appearance. Make her know that you worry about her because you love her and you want to see her happy again. Reassure her that you still think she's beautiful and what not, but that if what she wants is to lose weight, then you're willing to do anything to help her accomplish her goal. In essence what I'm saying is this: show her you love her and that you think she is beautiful and that all you want is for her to he her happy, confident old self, regardless of her weight, because you still care about her and want her sexually and emotionally. Making her see that you are approaching her out of love and with concern and NOT criticism are key in this. The reason she's been biting your head off is probably because she thinks you feel the same way about her that she does, that you also think she's "fat" and unattractive. She needs to understand that this is NOT the case. Only she can convince herself of that, but you can help by reassuring her. It may take her some time and you may have to try several times before it gets through to her, depending on how stubborn and depressed she is, but if you keep at it, I'm sure you'll figure out what the best way to phrase it is so that your message comes through loud and clear and she doesn't hear what she wants to hear but what you're actually tellind her.

Answer 2

There is a 12 step program for YOU to find out why you are attracted to someone who is. . . "very bad tempered"? and why you desire someone who "is insecure, unconfident and unhappy. She has no sexual desire and has a problem with intimacy" It is called Al-Anon, for the friends and family of people who are affected by another person's dysfunction, (esp. drinking actually in the literature about Al-Anon)

Was she always like this? If not, she needs to recover from whatever it was that destroyed those things that used to be there.

Now, problem is, YOU have no power over her. No one should be able to MAKE anyone else do anything or change anything against their will. (Maybe that would be a good definition of terrorism?) Anyway, until she gets to the bottom of this difficulty, you are stuck in this, and you need to be considering if staying is the best choice for you. Don't mean to be cruel, but go to Al-Anon meetings for a couple of months and you will see better what is going on. Look in phone book for a number to call.

Answer 3

She has some psychological issues that only she can address. Stress actually adds to weight problems also. You may try to help her by relaxing her as much as possible. Unfortunately, you feel that your desires are being placed on hold. The question that I am curious to ask is, have you ever been intimate with her before?? If you say yes, then there is a huge problem(no pun intended) . If you say no, then maybe she's dealing with a lot of other issues other than weight. Women,at times, have a tendency to "feel sexy" . They put on lingerie even when no one is around. Trust me, if they don't feel good about themselves, no matter what you say, it won't matter to her. She still needs to arrive at a place where she has accepted her weight. She is not there yet. You may need to let her know that you are there for her, in whatever she may decide to do about her appearance, but you are there no matter if she is big or small. Women want to be loved, and sharing with her those words of encouragement may help. Don't push the intimacy thing. Express how you feel and leave it alone. If she has a bad temper, maybe you can back away (but let her know that you are there if she needs you) , to let her sort out her emotions. Hopefully the only person she is trying to please is herself, and of course you. You can't solve the mysteries that lie within another person sometimes, that person has to be able to work it out on their own. If you care for her, give her time to work it out, but again, let her know that you will be there for her. Intimacy is a vital part of a healthy monogamous relationship and maybe if you give her time to sort this out, you will be rewarded in the end. Intimacy isn't everything, emphasize that to yourself, and reemphasize to her that you are there for her no matter what she decides. Other than that, I hear Playboy has some interesting articles in it (smile). Good luck.

Answer 4

For most overweight people the issue is not just food it is more emotional. You should try to talk to her about whats going on. Don't jump right to the weight issue but talk more about her feelings and what is going on in her life. If it is hard for her to talk try writing her a note and maybe she will respond better to that. Once you get her communicating again then work on the weight issue. Also when you ask her to exercise maybe try the "its a nice day out lets go for a walk" approach. That is a more sutle way of getting your point across. It sounds like she has a great boyfriend so I'm sure she will come around. good luck!

Answer 5

Tell her to go to the doctor and get blood work done she could have an over active or inactive thyroid gland which can cause weight gain and loss in sexual drive among other things such as, cold hands and feet depression and tiredness.

Answer 6

What if you tried a more active lifestyle instead of "exercise" that she sees negatively. You could start walking together in the mornings or evenings. On weekends you could explore area parks and outdoor activities. You could start going to the pool on a regular basis. Anything to get you both moving without targeting her as the "problem."

Also do a pantry makeover and get rid of the junkfood. Buy LOTS of fresh fruits and vegatabless so there's no need to fill up on junk.

Answer 7

Let me start off by saying that I myself are overweight ans can relate to the things your girlfriend does as well. I have lost most of my sex drive as well due to my body image. It makes me feel more confident when my husband shows me that he still likes my body regardless. He really helps by being supportive and loving. Dedicate a day to her. All about her, compliment her, make her feels special and then top it off with being physical such as holding, hugging, kissing.

Answer 8

Let her go her own way, you go yours. Wouldn't you rather be with someone with your same level of standards? Who needs a defensive and argumentative mate? Find someone who is EASY to get along with. Your g/f isn't good enough for you.

Answer 9

tell her you are concerned for her health. or tell her you want to work out with her. or just say you are going for a bike ride and ask her if she would like to come, i think if you do that everyday eventually she will want to go with you or at least get the hint.