should my son know the truth????

Question

my sons biological dad was in and out of his life in his first year and finaly stoped contacted when he found a new girl friend iam now married my son is 4 and i have just had another boy my husband is the greated dad i could have asked for and has brought my son up as his own my son dosent remeber that pr**k so has always thot and remembered that my husband is his dad we are in the middle or adoption procdures for my husband to adopt my son so everything would be legall which my ex has happly concented to so the thing is do i tell him when hes older or let it die with me there is little chance of him finding out as when the adoption is final his birth certificate will be changed has anyone gone threw this or have you been the chid whos been lied to???

Answer 1

wow, what a tough situation. this has to be hard on you. i would tell him the truth but not until he is like 18 years old. the reason why am saying this is because when he grows up, chances are he is going to find out anyway. it is better for it to come from you than to hear it from someone else who knows like maybe the biological father. if you are not going after the biological father for child support then you need to because you are entitled to it. even if you do not need it financially, then get child support for your son and put into a trust where by the time he is 21, he will have a decent amount of money to support hisself. i am so happy to hear that your husband now is a great person. do me a favor and give him a message for me. tell him that i think he is a great person too for being there for you and your son and giving as much love as he can. he is the type husband and father that every guy out there should look up to and follow. i am sure you agree. i hope this helps you out. i am so glad everything has worked out for you now. i wish you nothing but the best in the future. good luck.

Answer 2

I think you should begin telling your son now, in a gentle way that both you and your husband would choose, maybe something like how his dad (as he knows now) wanted him so much etc. Telling him in some way about his biologcal dad not making contact wouldn't really mean a lot to him now but knowing from this age it doesn't become a big issue. If his bio father was as bad as you say it can be amazing in later life how they want to catch up with their son/daughter, maybe not because of guilt or a genuine desire to see their child but to see how well they are doing and what they can get out of it. With great assurance and love knowing he is adopted all his life will not harm him or your relationship in any way but finding out later on can have lasting effects. I have 2 friends both with families now grown up. One adopted a daughter and then had a daughter of her own and the other adopted a boy and a girl and then had a son of her own. These children have always been aware they were adopted and are so very close to their parents and siblings. Also if anything although I am sure they love all their children the same thoughout their childhoods and even now there is this very special bond with the child/children that's adopted. At the end of the day it is what you and your husband decide and whatever it will be what you think is best for your son. This is just a side I wanted to put to you.

Answer 3

When you think your son is old enough, and sometimes 4 year olds are old enough for a simple explanation, then yes, he should be told. The earlier he is told the better, if you wait until he is too old he will feel you betrayed him, and wonder what other secrets are kept. You don't have to go into everything with him. It even may be easier to explain the adoption first...saying that most people don't get to pick their son's, but his Daddy has picked him out of all the little boys in the world to be his son. Explain to him that someone else made him with you when he was a baby, but he went away, and that his Daddy now, stepped in to be a real Daddy to him. Any man can be a father but it's someone very special to be a Daddy. Congratulations on finding a wonderful man and on your new baby!

Answer 4

Hi, Mom. You are absolutely doing the right thing for your son right now. My son was formally adopted by my husband when he was four, too, which we chose to do as the biological father had had no contact with him since before birth and very little interest in being a responsible parent. We wanted our son to always feel like a full part of our family, and god forbid something ever happened to me I didn't want there to be any question as to who/where he would go. My husband is a great Dad, too, and my son has always known him as his Daddy.

As to medical issues (I think another poster brought this up), if you get along with the biological father's family they can tell you everything you need to know. I found out about my son's genetic inclination toward ADHD through my ex's grandmother, who was just as fed up with her grandson's actions and irresponsibility. But really, unless your son has a serious medical condition where it really necessitates learning about his genetic history this will be a non-issue for you.

We do intend to tell our son when he is old enough to understand, because I do agree with some of the posters here that it is good to be honest with your child rather than them finding out on their own and being angry or upset, which would might encourage him to rebel against you later too. Also, I have made it very clear to all of our family that if my son ever starts asking questions about his past, they are simply to say, "You need to talk to your Mom or Dad about that" and leave it at that. This will (hopefully!) keep well-intentioned family from talking to him before we do. Just be sure when the time is right to include your husband in the discussion. Genetics do not make a "Daddy," as is clearly evidenced by our experiences. Your son will understand this when he is old enough to comprehend what it means to be adopted. Good luck to you and your family!

Answer 5

I'm happy that you've found someone that treats you and your son so well. My opinion is that you should keep written information with a picture about your son's father filed somewhere. When he is older you should tell him the situation and if he wants to know more about him you can then hand him the "file". The dad he has now will always be his true dad and that is the best thing he will cherish forever. Best of luck with the adoption procedures, many blessings to you and your family. The file should contain that his biological father consented to the adoption that way he can see for himself and you won't have to worry about anything. Get through this moment of your life and continue loving your children with your husband and have a wonderful life you deserve it.

Answer 6

I've known children who've not found out until they were older and some that were raised knowing it. It is my opinion that someone would rather grow up knowing the truth than finding out that there life has been a lie, that would be devastating. You think they'll never find out, but down the road, there could be medical issues, etc. that could bring up a flag. I beleive honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Children can deal with alot of things when they know what they're dealing with. Imagine thinking all your life that the person you called Mom or Dad, isn't your parent at all!

Answer 7

YES YES YES TELL THE CHILD when he is around 8-10 years old. Right now though, I would write a letter to him (date it!!)and your husband could write another also and explain to him that your husband loves him very much etc and that he is proud to adopt him etc. You could also write in this letter that you are uncertain of the right thing to do and considered lying to him, so that its there for him so that if he finds out before you tell him, you can say hey, look, read this. Maybe it will smooth things for you.

I had a friend who was adopted by her stepfather, she was told from an early age and was fine with it, then there was another girl at school, who found out when she was in her teens, due to a medical problem - not a pretty sight - she was one mucked up kid!

Good luck and congrats!

Answer 8

First of all congrats on finding a good guy! I would say that telling your son about that is something that can wait till he's a little older. You'll just confuse him and end up explaining it all over again later. I say if he's happy and everybody is enjoying the new family don't get into it for a few more years.
You're a good mom to want to be honest with your son, i would too, but you don't want to open up a whole can of worms and have your little one wonder why his "real" dad doesn't want him.(that would be so hurtfull for him)

Good luck!

Answer 9

Your son needs to know the truth tell him now and make it totally normal. My advice would be that you should not tell him anything bad about his biological Father. It's not too great knowing that your Father is a total idiot. Make sure his Dad lets him know that he loves him and this is the reason that he has chosen him as a son and wants to adopt him.
I never once told my boys anything bad about their absent Father and so when the inevitable happened and they met him as adults they made their own minds up about him. He was similar to your ex and therefore my sons very quickly saw him for what he is and dumped him in the same way that he had dumped them years before. My husband and my boys' Dad bought them up with me and they respect and love him. As a present for him, just before our sons' got married they officially changed their names by deed poll to my husband's name.
You will note that I differentiate between a Father and a Dad !

Answer 10

Your son needs to know the truth - the reason being in years to come his father may decide to resurface or your son some way or another will find out. He will resent you for not telling him the truth - he should be allowed to make up his own mind about his father. He will know what a wonderful dad your husband has been to him but he does need to know the truth.