Question about arranged marriage?

Question

My parents have fixed up my marriage with a man i don't like much.

I tried explaining to them that I find the thought of being marrying him uncomfortable as I don't like him. But they told me that new brides need to adjust & that it is a good match & it is for the best-so I need to get over those feelings & accept him for who he is.

In addition, he lives far off compared to where I stay. If I get married to him, I'll also have to leave my job as he's in another city. Though I do not earn much, I like my job. It makes me feel good about myself.

My question is this:
1. Is it worth running away from home, keep my job but live a harder life but independently OR
2. Is it better to compramise, live with someone I don't like but live in a comfortable house?

Please don't be judgemental about my character/ my parents...i'm seeking solutions, not opinions. Also please don't lecture me about how its 2007.

Your answers could help me make the most important decision of my life.

It is not that i'm against arranged marriages - I wouldn't have had a problem if my parents had considered my feelings about this man before fixing me up with him. They know i don't like him and yet fixed it up.

Apart from that, they haven't given me his contact number so I cannot communicate with him.

The engagement is on the very day of the wedding. So whatever decision has to be taken, has to be taken before

Answer 1

Okay, I'm going to play Devil's Advocate for a bit. I am not saying this is what you should or should not do, but it may help you arrive at a sound decision.

How much does your culture and heritage mean to you? Have all of the marriages in your family been arranged until now? If so, have all of these arranged marriages been happy ones? Who are you to rebel against something that has been an integral part of your culture for hundreds of years? Don't you think your family has made a match that is in the best interest of you and your family? Don't you have an obligation to your family to marry this man?

When I ask these questions, I mean no disrespect. I only ask them to elicit responses form you that may help you to see your parents' perspective.

Where I live, it would seem absurd to require one's child to marry a stranger. I remember working with a woman some years ago whose family decided that they were not impressed with the people she was dating in the States. They ended up arranging a marriage for her in India, to a fellow who had also been educated in the States. She was very nervous about it, but they have now been happily married for several years.

Perhaps if you were to let your parents know that you are not rejecting the concept of an arranged marriage, but only the person whom they have chosen, they could make a more appropriate match for you. Would they entertain a discussion about the qualities you would seek in a husband?

If all of these are non-starters, by all means run like the wind. I just know that living the rest of your life without the emotional support of your family will be difficult at best. So I recommend you try to embrace your culture and negotiate a better choice.

Answer 2

I take it you come from a culture where this is acceptable. In the UK it is certainly not acceptable and hopefully will soon be illegal.

I know this may cause a break with your family. But if they don't consider your wishes can you do anything else. I have no family but I have some good close friends and it's not so bad.

I have talked about a family break but maybe your parents would respect that it's your decision eventually.

This decision will direct your future life. Can you even contemplate marrying a man you don't even know? There are organisations that can give you advice look on the internet.

You say you don't like this man much. How can you agree to spend your life with him.

the time has come for you to leave, leave your home leave your job just get away and live your own life. We all have to do it sometime.

Answer 3

Gosh - this is a tough situation. If you run away you will have to be prepared to take the risk you may never see your family again either. However, in your situation, I would personally leave. Its a choice of spending a lifetime in misery never being with a person you truly love, or having a little hardship now and being independent and free to live a life you choose. It will definitely be hard and if you do leave there will be times when you wonder what you have done, but in the long term life will get better, you will be independent, you will meet new people, you will run your life how YOU want to. Just remember that it will take time but life can be great because you will have control over your own future.
Good luck to you and I hope everything works out okay.

Answer 4

This is a very difficult situation and I hope what ever you decide you will be happy.
To answer your question I would at least give your marriage a go. You state that you don't like the man, but maybe things might get better. How do you know that he doesn't feel the same way about you? He may not want to get married. Personally in a situation like this I would try and contact this man and arrange to meet him discreetly. Try and find out how he feels and try and explain how you feel. If this is no option and you feel that this is something that would be absolutely impossible then plead with your parents. Tell them that you would rather run away then get married to this man. Try and make them understand that all you want to be is happy, and ask them if that is what they wish for you. If it is then ask for some advice. Persist with this on a daily basis. Eventually their hearts should give in to your well being and happiness.

i sincerely wish you the best of luck.

Answer 5

It's a shame your parents arranged a marriage with a man you dislike. This is a difficult situation; you want to please your family, but you also want to be happy. I know that this is steeped in your culture and traditions, as well, which makes it even more difficult.

You have some difficult decisions to make. If you run away, you run the risk of losing your family forever. But if you marry him, you may lose yourself in the process.

Could you:

1. Try getting to know him better? Is it possible that you might learn to at least like him over time?

2. Talk to your parents about your misgivings and ask them to arrange your marriage to someone else? Would your parents be responsive to your concerns if they knew you were considering running away?

I know that's not very helpful, but I hope that you are able to resolve this problem. Best of luck to you.

Answer 6

I tend to agree with the previous answerers named: artemisadoc1 and Labyrinth Soul. It is very difficult for me as a westerner to understand the concept of arranged marriages, and I am not going to go on about how its 2007. However, I think that it is cruel to bring an asian child up in a western society and then expecting them to accept an arranged marriage. It must be so difficult for you because of your culture and your heritage. But you are not in India! I want to suggest that you at least give the marriage a go to see how it progresses...you could end up being very happy. But if it doesn't work out, would it be worse to leave, than if you just purely left before getting married? Either way, only you can make the decision. All I can say is that you can pick your friends and not your family. If you chose to runaway and make a life for yourself independently, it would be difficult to begin with, but you would make your friends, and possibly make your chosen husband's family as your family. I really feel for you and wish you all the very very best!!! :o)

Answer 7

If you really don't think marrying this guy would be the best thing for you, then I suggest not going through with it. Also if you have the means to support yourself then that would make things a whole lot easier. But are you prepared to possibly have a bad relationship with your parents because you didn't go along with the marriage? If you still don't feel right about this and you understand the consequences of running away then that sounds like the best idea.

Answer 8

People are going to tell you that yes it's worth it, but that is just the "right" answer. In the real world there is no right answer to this. The question is, is it worth it to you? Nobody who answers your question is going to wake up in your life tomorrow or the day after, you have to live with the choices you make.
The only thing I have to say here is don't run away. If you decide you are old enough to make a decision about your life then stand up and be proud of your decision. If you decide not to marry him then have the strength to stand up to your parents and tell them that you are not going to marry him, and that is your decision, what's the worse they can do? If you decide to marry him any way then be proud of that decision and don't let anyone tell you it's 2007, we all have different priorities in life and that is okay, everyone else doesn't have to agree with you.

Answer 9

You need to talk to your parents more about this. Your parents love you and wouldn't want you to do something that is not good for you. If talking dosent work, then try to know the man ur trying to marry. He couldnt be that bad if your parents chose him for you. If he's okay with your working after marriage,then you can find a job in the city he lives in. There is no scarcity of jobs nowadays, believe me. And this wont be a compromise but a practical solution.It never helps to run away because it causes your family anxiety..so forget about that.

Answer 10

Arranged marriages have been around for thousands of years.... the idea of a romantic marriage is a fairly recent fad. Your parents want what's best for you, and I don't know how old you are but chances are they have a much better idea of what that is than you do. If those really are your only options, just remember that you can always run away. I say give him a shot... try to get to know him, try to explain that the situation makes you uncomfortable. Chances are he'll understand and he'll try to be very accommodating. If not, you can still run away at that point.