Are we being sensitive about how our daughter is treating us in arranging her wedding?She`s blocking us out.?

Question

She`s arranging her wedding herself which we dont find a problem, but we just feel more&more like we`re not even being considered in her preparations.She`s rejected her niece as a bridesmaid,she`s asked her friend to be chief bridesmaid even tho she has two sisters,1of which was very close to her,she`s excluded us from being involved with any of the preparations.We have had to bite our tongues for her sake as we wouldnt want to upset her,but shes even telling us what to wear,no consultation.It seems to be all to suit the grooms family.She lives up north and we`re in the midlands,We kept quiet when we found out that her intended had an affair last year,got the girl pregnant.We feel as if we`ve been bad parents which we know we havent.We were a very close family at one time.The wedding was booked without asking if the date&time was ok.We are paying towards this wedding&have made no requests,We know its her wedding,shes 34,but dont we deserve some consideration?its like shes afraid of us.

Answer 1

OMG!!

She's a 34 year old spoilt brat!!

I really feel for you. It must be SO hard for you to just sit there and bite your tongues.

If you weren't paying for any of it, then I would say that you would have no say. But the fact that your contributing should at the very least guarantee that you can choose your own outfits!!

From what you say about her 'intended' it seems she's on a hiding to nothing there, and you must be absolutely devastated. It's as though she's stuck her fingers in her ears and is singing "Lah, lah, lah, lah, lah...." where his 'indiscretion' is concerned!

Has she simply got sucked in with all the 'romance' that the preparation of a wedding brings? There's one thing I can ASSURE you of, the day after the wedding she will be brought back down to earth with a HEFTY bump!

A friend of mine ended up on anti-depressants for twelve months following the wedding of her daughter. She got so carried along and excited with the preparation of the wedding and the actual day, that when the day after came she felt she had nothing else to do with her life. It's very sad and was horrible to see.

I have a sister in law who does EXACTLY what she wants and stuff everyone else. It's heart breaking to watch my Mum-in-law being hurt by this girl's actions. So your daughter is not a one-off in this respect.

All you can do, I'm afraid, is be there when the s*it hits the fan, because I can GUARANTEE that WILL happen. You sound like brilliant parents and she is SO lucky to have you - she just doesn't know it yet. Don't forget your other daughters - they still need you too, and I'm sure if you ask them, they'll tell you that you've been great parents.

My thoughts will be with you today, and I hope that you don't have too much trouble to deal with in the future.

Answer 2

One one hand, she is 34 and can do what she wishes - all those things you listed, are her choice. BUT - NOT if you are paying for it. Why are you paying towards the wedding of a grown 34 year old woman anyway.

On the bridesmaid issue - you are being a little over sensitive. Many many brides choose not to have their family in the wedding party, and there is nothing wrong with that at all.

Booking a date and time without consulting you, when you are helping foot the bill, is very rude on her part - as is telling you want to wear without consultation. You should have a say in those areas.

At this point, your best bet is just to back off. Let her go one doing her planning, but don't commit to any more financing. If she wants to have it her way without thought to anyone else - she should have the bill as well.

Answer 3

One word: bridezilla. It happens to the best of them. She is an adult. Stop biting your tongue and call her. But first, get together with a girlfriend and pick your fights. Get it on paper so that you can take the emotional charge out of it. She has probably been more self-centered and over busy than deliberately out to make you miserable (you said you are good parents and I believe you) so chances are she feels pretty comfortable and independent about making all these choices....The bridesmaid thing is always sticky especially as the brides get older. But I would be asking how you can be a part of the big day? Tell her you feel left out and forgotten. Tell her how much you know she can handle this but you just want it to be something you share....as for making NO requests...that one is one you... no one hands out money without some sort of discussion.... hand out no more, unless you are clear about its purpose and your expectations....Finally, she may be enamored by a new family (his) and also a little railroaded.... marrying a son is also difficult and usually grandma and mom get overly involved.... maybe she could use a good old fashioned cup of tea and a visit with her mom to tell her how much you understand how hard it is to keep everyone happy...but that since you birthed her....and you waited 34 years for this day....you want your moment too!!!

Answer 4

Weddings cause so many family problems.

I see you have only two choices.

1.She is an independent 34 year old woman, let her pay for her own wedding. Not a great idea!

2. Try to do the best you can to get through this and finished with this and save yourself a lifetime of grief. After all is said and done try to just forget it and move on.Its certainly not fair and not the way it should be but, as you have said you have been good parents. Keep up that example for now.

Answer 5

She kind of sounds like a spoiled brat to me. 34? And you guys are paying for the wedding? Really? Does she have a job? Sounds as if she'd be a big girl by now and pay for it, if she insists on having her way about everything. I'd be telling her that if you couldn't have some kind of input, however small, in the affair, you aren't forking over the money for it. Come on, she sounds like at the very least, she is being extremely ungrateful and uncaring of hurting her family's feelings. You bet you deserve some consideration! Sounds as if you have backed too far out of the picture. I speak from experience. When my eldest daughter got married, she didn't want me to have any part in the wedding preps, did not want me to be there when she shopped for her dress, nothing. So, we told her fine, tell us the time and date and we'll be there. That was all the input we got. We came to a mutual decision that we would not pay for anything we weren't involved in. Now, 7 years later, we all have a great relationship. She was just the original bridezilla! You guys are obviously not bad parents, just a bit soft on her.

Answer 6

I wouldn't say afraid, but more overly ready to be on her own...Sounds more like she is a grown woman and she wants everything to be perfect in her eyes not yours...My sister's didn't ask me to even be a part of their weddings, I got an invite but that was it! Maybe she has changed over the years that she has been out of the house and no longer wants her parents to do everything for her, maybe it's a show of Independence! OR MAYBE she wants to do it herself and show the whole family that she was raised right and has the confidence in herself that she will do a great job putting this thing together and she wants to make you proud to be gracefully seated in the front row and not have to worry so much...she just wants to see smiling faces at her wedding not jealous ones...let her make you proud! In the end she might even surprise you! Do the honorable thing and only offer what she asks for if you can give it.

Answer 7

I think you darn near hit the nail on the head. Just speculating, here, but it seems like she's sort of putting up barriers. How well do you know her, as an adult - and how well did you know her, as a child?

Here are some possible scenarios.

(a) She's really afraid of something else 'going wrong' and has adopted 'control freak' tendencies as a way to deal with tension. Some people just take for granted that those they love will unconditionally support 'em (as you have) and take that for granted when they're working on the 'controls' at their disposal.

(b) She thinks you think she's making a mistake, so she's 'daring' you to 'say' something - eg, let your tension rear its ugly head now, not later.

(c) She thinks she's making a mistake, and so she is hovering between wanting you all to say something (so she has to confront her decision-making/path) and wanting to be 'decisive' so there's no question that she 'made her bed and will lie in it,' so to speak.

(d) She's sooooo eager for things to take on a new tone (eg, with her having a say in the context of her relationship, including showing some 'mastery' of things to her future in-laws) that she's sacrificing your feelings and taking the gamble it's OK to do that.

Yes, a bride has a lot of pressures on her normally; and, yes, many brides (esp at her age) have been a combination of eager and thoughtful about it before a wedding at that time --- so it's very possible she got on a "can't do aything to screw this up" bandwagon of some variety (which easily fits with the above scenarios), whether as an extension of nervousness or determination.

Remember that if she is 'taking you for granted,' it's not likely a deliberate snub but a 'handling strategy' in which she is sooooo concerned about things she can't help but minimize the attention to those otherwise close to her.

Thank you for paying for her wedding and being supportive; for that, neither you nor your daughter should have regrets. Positive, supportive moves are timelessly appreciated. (I knew my parents couldn't afford anything I wanted - I had a no-nonsense, no guest JP wedding and introduced the groom to 'em later. *sigh* The marriage didn't last, and my parents passed before they could see I could sustain a positive relationship.)

All of this said, what is appropriate now? How about a "Can we talk?" (- asking for a time to schedule a good time) with an "Is everything OK?" theme, mentioning "...and with what can we actually help, besides paying? We're VERY hapy to help, and we'd love to participate in _________ (can you suggest an area, like catering or music or decor?)" There IS the possibility she doesn't realize how she's handled things - or that she's trying to minimize stress/fuss for you by minimizing the burden of decisions to make.

As for date and time, obviously consideration and consultation are significant and kind matters. However, once a couple starts to plan a wedding, usually they are under pressure to have a date and time ... and usually they have their own preferences to hammer out! So, it may not be surprising that this happened in this manner. The really bad thing about that, of course, is the distance --- it would seem a stretch that she ignored the need for you to optimize the scheduling from a travel perspective.

May you all (each and every one of you - daughter, prospective son-in-law, prospective in-laws, and you) find peace and love in details and in the abstract concept of coming together as a family. Times are tough enough without division in a family!

Answer 8

It seems that she will not accept your input and so I'm not so sure you should have any financial input other than a gift.

I can tell you that if my daughter were marrying someone who had an affair the year before, I don't think I would contribute anything.

I'd have more of a wait and see attitude about the marriage. If after a handful of years, it was still going strong, I'd forget about the affair and start a college fund for the grandchildren.

In fact, I would probably say all of this right up front.

Answer 9

Since you have not been considered or consulted about anything, why do you feel that you have to pay for this ridiculous mistake? If this fellow has impregnated another woman just last year he is showing his tendencies to not take commitment seriously and certainly not to give your daughter the respect she deserves. Perhaps you could offer to pay for and insist on some couples counseling for the two of them before giving them any cash toward this event. Hooking the therapy to your payment toward the wedding might move them in the right direction.

Answer 10

It's tough being a parent isn't it?

There's so much going on here.

1. Your daughter doesn't want her niece in her wedding.
2. Apparently she isn't as close to her sister as you & Sis think.
3. Your daughter is grown & living on her own. She has carved out her own life. Why are you giving her money for her wedding?

It's hard to stand back & watch our children make mistakes knowing they aren't going to end well. All you can do is give gentle guidance when they're grown.
But your daughter wants nothing from you but your money & she is treating you disrespectfully.

As a parent, you love your child(ren) with your soul, but you don't have to stand around and be hurt by them. Part of being a good parent is knowing when to say No. Sometimes you just have to let them go. And now would be a good time to do just that.

It's your decision if you want to give your daughter money; it's yours. But I don't know if I would. But then if you don't, that will be your daughter's problem, now won't it?
She seems to have a handle on things doesn't she? She's about to marry a man who impregnated another woman! And YOU don't want to upset your daughter???

I can't tell you what to do. I know you don't want to lose your daughter but it sounds to me like you already have.
You have some tough decisions to make here. Even if you have never done so, I think you need to utter a little prayer here.
I wish you God-speed