Need help. My daughter seems to like to be grounded. Why?

Question

My 12 year old daughter has been grounded since Jan 2. She did something she knows is wrong so we grounded her to her room for one week. The only fun thing she could do was play with her toys. Things seemed to be going good, she was behaving like she should and all then on day 6 she did the same thing that she did that got her grounded in the first place. So we re-grounded her. We have tried everything. Letting her do what ever she wanted as long as she fallowed a few guide lines, like take showers go to bed by 12am do her home work. That lasted a week then we had to put a stop to it cause she stunk worse then a whole football team after playing. We tried taking everything away she was allowed to go to school do her homework and read (which she hates to do) that was it and she had to go to bed early every night too, that didn't work. What can we do to get her to stop doing the things that get her grounded before her grounding is over? I'm out of options. She seems to like it a lot. Why

I've taking everything away including her toys the only thing she has are books thats it.
We give her attention, she is an only child she get more then enough from us her grandparents her aunts everyone.
When she wasn't being grounded all the time we did something with her everyday, we would take her to the movies once a week, play games two or three times a week, have movie nite once a week, go out to eat once a week. Go to the park, mall, store, even a drive into the country to look at the stars. It sucks cause we want to do so much stuff with her and we can't cause she's not allowed out of her room.
And we praise her always. We tell her that we love her 50 times a day and that we are proud of her.

Ok, first of all I don't think you all are understanding everything. I tried for one week, didn't last a week, of taking away her schedule. It didn't work. I was hoping she would start to act like a mature young lady.
I've taken everything out of her room. she doesn't have a tv or phone in her room(never did) and she doesn't have an ipod, she use to have one but she asked us to sell it and buy her a cd player she didn't like the ipod.
She has a schedule she has to fallow every day which includes washing her face in the morning brushing her teeth twice daily taking a shower doing her homework doing chores including taking care of her pet and going to be at 9pm, 7 when she is grounded.
We've talked with her. We all talk as a family every day for 10 minutes at least.
She has a star sheet, she gets rewarded for earning all her stars, even when she is grounded. Shes only earned 3 rewards so far this month.
We have done all the suggestions to different degrees

Answer 1

When I acted like your daughter and kept misbehaving despite a strict grounding my parents MADE me rely on them. They cleared out my room so all I had was the furniture, a lamp and an alarm clock. Every day I had to go to them to choose my clothes for school. I had to go to them to choose a toy or book. It was horrible! I think after about 5 days of that I promised to be good and was (at least for awhile!).

Also, if your daughter likes the grounding, it could be that she really craves structure in her life. Maybe the intense structure that the grounding provides makes her feel really comfortable. Try making it a little more unstructured and see if you can put her on the edge a bit...

Answer 2

Ok first of all 12am as a bedtime doesnt give her enough bedrest for school. She's acting out because shes tired and cranky, and because she isnt getting enough sleep. Just because her bedtime is 12am doesnt mean she conks out right at 12am. She is probably staying up until 1am trying to get to sleep.

From what i've read it seem that you are trying to become her friend and not her parent. I know it's hard but you must set ground rules, and stay with them. This child should be showering, brushing teeth, ect every single night. She needs a schedule. A 12 year old child is not mature enough to handle toltal freedom. She should not be aloud to do what ever she wants. What will you do when she is 16 when you cannot control her now?

As for grounding. When she gets grounded why dont you try taking EVERYTHING from her for a couple days rather than an entire week. Make her life miserible for 1-2 days. I mean empty her room including any toys, tv's, ipods, PHONE, ect...but make the punishment shorter.

Secondly, you should invest in a good parenting book. I have one that I use often and its called "Connections: The threads that strengthen families" by Jean ILLSLEY Clarke. This is an excellent book on alternative parenting methods. The Author does not beleive in spanking, ect..

Answer 3

Honestly my mother never grounded me because I wouldn't mind being grounded too. It's not really a punishment at all. You have your tv, music, toys, mirror, or whatever... Girls can have fun with any of those things. AND it only gets worse when she gets older, because then she start sneaking out *if she has a window*. YOU SHOULD... just make her do things for ya'll. AND KEEP a eye on her 24/7. Like chores around the house, making dinner, basically having her be yall's butler. She is not only getting punished, but she will probably learn from this. Just an idea. BECAUSE I WOULD HATE THAT! And I admit, I did sneak out everytime my mom tried to ground me. I was a horrible child growing up, but learned from my mistakes. Don't let her learn it the hard way.

Answer 4

First, stop experimenting on her and sit down and figure out the basic things she needs to do in your house to get along. She needs to have AT LEAST 8-10 hours of sleep going into the teenage years (I read somewhere that teens need more sleep than adults, but less than when they were toddlers), take a shower daily, get her homework finished (and checked!) before dinner, THEN whatever.

Second, sit WITH her and try to figure out why she's doing the things you're grounding her for. Is it because you're expecting too much out of her? Remember, she can only disappoint you if you are expecting something out of her. She might have trouble remembering - ask her what it will take for her to remember (maybe a nifty gadget like a palm pilot that doesn't connect online) what needs to be done. This could be a holiday/birthday gift.

Third, remember how you felt as a teen (or an almost-teen)...you wanted respect and more leeway than you had/have as a child. You knew you didn't want all the responsibility of being an adult, but you did want MORE responsibility than a child would have. Adults do NOT get grounded, but they DO get consequences (more than they realize sometimes!) for their actions. Maybe you need to think of some age-appropriate consequences that will actually affect her. Again, ask her what she would expect to happen if YOU were HER child. You might be surprised at the results.

And finally, remember that she is her own person. She may not be an adult yet, but her views and values may not agree with yours. While she still needs to respect and follow your wishes as long as she is living in YOUR house, her views are always her own. If you are not respectful of each other, you will find she does things behind your back. But to get respect, you have to give it, and one of you will have to bend. It might be you bending a bit, then her.

Answer 5

I dont believe in grounding kids, it seems pretty stupid to me, when I was young i would have cried tears of joy if I was allowed to spend the whole day in my room reading, and no im not a nerd. First off It seems like ure treating the symptoms and not the cause. Why do u place more attention on how to punish her rather then trying to figure out WHY she's doing the bad thing in the first place?? Have you talked with her? Have you discussed possible reasons with your husband? Does she have a reason why she is acting out?

Do you take the time to recognize her positive behavior as well?

A star chart can help with that.

If you still feel the need to "punish her" , dont take away, GIVE!

More chores, more laundry, more !

Remember, if your going to use the star chart, your only allowed to GIVE stars for good behavior, not allowed to take any away even if bad behavior occurs, your realizing POSITIVE behavior.

Answer 6

Strictness will no longer provide up her from in all probability coming domicile pregnant, you are able to not provide up somebody from doing some thing they prefer. only ask the tens of millions of mothers accessible who theory they could make there youngsters no longer have intercourse by way of ability of exclaiming or grounding them. Be sensible approximately it. i'm getting you do no longer prefer her date or regardless of, yet what occurs while she's eighteen and sleeps with a random guy considering the fact which you by no ability enable her have a boyfriend? I had a chum who had a very strict mom and nevertheless ended up sixteen and pregnant. you're able to come across a satisfied medium, in the different case she'll locate the thank you to do it besides. As for grounding her for something of school and summer season, it does look somewhat over board. What do you anticipate her to do all day? I advise, I comprehend punishing her yet no longer that lots. i for my section would bypass with the month and then seeing how she acts slowly initiate allowing further and added issues.

Answer 7

Obviously grounding and taking things from your daughter doesn't work.

Have you tried assigning extra chores? Make her do stuff around the house - things like washing the windows, scrubbing the toilets, etc.

A 12 yro is also no where near too old for a spanking. You've tried lots of the 'modern' things and they haven't worked. It is probably about time to go back to the old-fashioned but effective methods! Give her one warning and a short time limit to get her act together. If she doesn't, spank her.

Answer 8

my dad used to make me sit on the couch when i was grounded. all i could do was do my homework and sit on the couch. i couldn't even read. believe me after a couple hours of that type of punishment, i straightened up pretty quick.
often times the visible problem is actually only a side effect of an even bigger problem. try to see if there is something else bothering her (is she getting picked on in school, etc).
another thing you can try is making her sign a contract saying she knows what she did was wrong and that she won't do it again and if she does it again show her the contract and increse her punishment from the last time.
when kids are aware of their boundaries and know there will be consequences for bad behavior they are less likely to reoffend. good luck.

Answer 9

Sounds like you've tried everything. This means it's time for a spanking. She is getting up there, however not to old for a spanking. Have a nice sit down chat with her, let it be known that spankings will be the consequence when she breaks clearly known rules. My oldest is 10, however, is not near to old for some good old fashioned consequences.

Good Luck

Answer 10

I would ask her if their are kids at school trying to get her to do stuff and the best way for her to say no is I am grounded. At 12 she shouldn't be staying up til midnight. It's just could be a phase. She is asserting her authority. Trying to find that preteen attitude. g/l