I've been dating my boyfriend for about 6 months. Shortly before winter break (we're both law students), he told me he might still have feelings for his ex (they dated for 3 years, and she was his only real girlfriend before me). Over break, he went home (across the country) and saw her. He called me and said he was so sorry for ever doubting us...he said he saw her and realized how lucky he was to have me. Well, everything has been great since then until this past week. We got into a couple small arguments this week, and then over the weekend, I asked him if he still had feelings for his ex. He said he didn't know, but he thought maybe he did. He says he doesn't want to act on his feelings, and can't bear the thought of losing me. Still, I'm worried. I'm not sure what to do in this situation. I love him, and he loves me. I know you never really get over your first love. What do you think I should do? Ideally, I'd like things to work out between us.
2007-02-18 10:08:44 · 16 answers · asked by skichamonix515 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Singles & Dating
You don't say how old you are, but since he has had a 3 year relationship I'll assume mid 20's at least...
Here's the thing. Everyone of that age has some baggage. You're not going to find the unspoiled person with no nagging feelings for anyone else. And, in fact, at some point you're going to find yourself having feelings for someone else. It's a virtual guarantee.
So what's a person to do? Judge him not by the feelings he has, but by his actions. Remember, he's been honest with you, so far as you know. Many, many men would just say "no" if asked the same question.
Might you lose him to the ex? Perhaps. You might to someone else, too. Love is partly risk, and real love is about being willing to take risks with your heart. If you really want things to work, I would tell him you love him, tell him you understand that feelings happen, and forgive him for feeling things that are beyond his control. At the same time, you should expect him to control the things he can, and not lie or cheat; he should also be willing to take steps to make sure you're comfortable with whatever level of contact he maintains with the ex.
2007-02-18 10:21:08 · answer #1 · answered by Evan M 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I know that I still have a bit of feelings for my 'first love', which was about 40 years ago!
No way to judge your situation from here, don't know anything about either of you. However, I do not advocate dumping the guy over this. It seems he is being honest as he can be with you. I see that a positive. When it comes to the matter of the heart, confusion can abound over almost anything.
I would suggest that you calmly review what YOU want, now and more importantly for your future... Boyfriend should do the same.
Be honest with yourself without regard of the boyfriend's thoughts and feelings. Only then can you really commit to long lasting relationship. And, if you guys are living together already, it is not likely you are gonna pay on bit of attention to anyone!
2007-02-18 18:21:30 · answer #2 · answered by Blitzpup 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he still has feelings for the ex, that are apparently stronger than the feelings he has for you, the best thing to do is walk away until he resolves his issues. It's not true that you don't get over your first love, millions of people have. A relationship will never work if both people are not in it 100%.
2007-02-18 18:16:41 · answer #3 · answered by daffy_fan1 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I would say, if he's really "stuck" between the 2 of you, to tell him that he needs to choose which one of you means MORE to him:
Either stay in the relationship with YOU and leave her behind, moving on completely, (including ignoring any past "feelings")
OR
Break-Up so he can pursue a relationship with his Ex instead...
Make sure you don't sound demanding, but really supportive, so he doesn't choose you just because he feels like he HAS to...
Let him know that he needs to do what makes HIM happy, so you can BOTH be happy, because if he's constantly daydreaming about what "could-have-been" with him and his ex, then he will never truly feel satisfied or happy with you!
Also it's not fair for YOU to have to be caught in the middle either!
YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY TOO!!
2007-02-18 19:44:31 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
To start with be everything his ex probably wasn't.Give him time to put things in the right perspective.Be patient,he obviously loves you,and sometimes seeing your ex's puts you in a confused state for awhile. But when you know you have someone that's going to be there for you, and love and except you for who you are that means alot.Let him know your there for him and you want your relationship to work.Try not bringing up the ex as much as possible,the less he is reminded about it the faster it will be out of his mind,make it so wonderful when you are together that your the only thing on his mind.Good luck
2007-02-18 18:20:41 · answer #5 · answered by glorene b 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I think you two will be okay,as long as you don't keep bringing his ex into the conversation. If you constantly doubt him,eventually,he will doubt himself. He told you he was happy to be with you,he may have confused feelings about the ex, but I bet it's more like "if only things had been different",not "damn it, I still love someone who treated me badly". Focus on the two of you, and just the two of you. If you keep bringing her up everytime you argue,then you are being insecure and need to get a better grasp of things. Trust him,has he done anything to make you not trust him? Good luck
2007-02-18 18:15:06 · answer #6 · answered by fisherwoman 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Then talk about things. Talk about your feelings. The fact that he acknowledges some lingering feeling for an ex shows honesty--and remember what he said after visiting his ex. Realize that EVERY couple has their spats and that it is only human to wonder a bit about "what if" after one of those tiffs. Talking out the situation can resolve the problem--and in my personal experience, the "what if" has never been an attractive option after a heart to heart talk with my spouse.
2007-02-18 18:18:26 · answer #7 · answered by KCBA 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he needs some space to work out his feelings. Why don't you take a break for a while. Do you really want to be with someone who hasn't let go of the past? Give him an ultimatum- work it out or leave. I understand that you love him and I'm sure he loves you, but he needs to have a clean slate in order for your relationship to work. Good luck.
2007-02-18 18:17:13 · answer #8 · answered by skii21 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't let yourself get caught up in his ex. If you keep thinking you are going to lose him to her, then you will probably cause the situation that will lead to what you don't want. More than likely you have nothing to worry about, just be happy with what you have and let the past be the past. Hopefully he is man enough to do the same.
2007-02-18 18:15:54 · answer #9 · answered by butterflywndr 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
tell him that you are questioning his feelings for his ex. i would give him some time and then see what happens. be like.. i dont know if we can really love each other if you still have feelings for another girl... and just see what he says becausemaybe he willrealize that heneeds to get over his other feelings and maybe , just maybe he will stay with you. ive heard of things like this before, you just need to tell him how you feel baout the situation and see what happens
hope i helped =]
-mike
2007-02-18 18:14:29 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋