Frustrated over step child situation!?

Question

My husband has a son who doesn't live with us. He comes two weekends a month. I feel my husband doesn't pay enough attention to him, so therefore doesn't see when he needs to be corrected. He isn't made to do same things around the house as my two girls who are close in age. I get irritated and once I start fussing at him, it seems non stop. He also has add/adhd. I try to limit sugar and caffeine, but I'm alone when it comes to this. On the other hand my husband watches my oldest daughter constantly to find things she is doing wrong. They are always arguing. He usually right 75% of the time and I let him know when I think he's not. This is about the only thing we fight over. He thinks I let my daughter do whatever she wants and that is not the case. any suggestions?

Answer 1

You two need to sit down & discuss what you think the other is doing wrong & what you can do to fix it. It sounds like he likes to pick on your daughter & you like to pick on his son. The same rules & punishments should apply equally to all the children. You need to let your husband do some of the disciplining with his son so you don't look like the evil stepmother. You two need to back eachother up on the disiplining, decide together how you will disipline, & don't fight about it infront of the children.

Answer 2

Wow this is tough. First you and your husband should be in a calm mood and his son should not be over. Sit down in the living room. Tell him you feel that your daughters do many more chores and responsibilities around the house than his son. Then set some plain and simple rules and chores that all the children have to follow and do. Set up a chart with your daughters' names and his son's name. Write an equal amount of chores for each child. Then to make sure they are being treated equally, check off the chores as they finish them. Post this chart on the refrigerator along with the rules. Also on the rules chart write a consequence next to the rule so the kids will know what will happen if it is broken. Sit the kids down, tell them you are doing this and explain it to them. Make sure the rules are fair and not overcontrolling. With the rules include how many sugary snacks they are allowed to have. Remember that his son is probably confused at this time having to live in two households with different rules. Ask your husband to talk to his ex-wife about setting the same rules in her house, so it will be an easier transition for him to go from your house to her house. Also you and your husband need to be aware of the rules so his son will not come running to dad when you say no. Back eachother up and show him that you are the parents and a team. Remember to stay calm and follow the chart so all of the kids are being treated fairly.

Answer 3

How old is your step-son? Make a chore list for all the children to do. Fairly...Since the boy has ADHD try to be more patient. Give him one chore at a time, before you continue the next one. Correct him when he needs to be corrected. Don't go on and on. He will just block you out. However, make sure you lean down to his level, and look him in the eye.
Write things down as they happen, you may or may not be easier on your daughter. Also,do not argue in front of the kids. Talk with your husband. Make it very clear to the kids that you and your husband are together. Don't let let them play the two of you against each other. You might think about getting professional help. good luck. Been there.

Answer 4

I have two stepchildren that actually do live with us. My experience with this is that perhaps your husband feels guilty about his son and therefore lets things slide? Because he only sees his son twice a month he doesn't want to be the 'mean' guy. It's easier for him, and therefore harder for you this way. Am I getting close? I am very close with my husband and it took quite a few years to figure out why I was the hard hand around the house. I would disipline his chidren and he would then get upset with me saying that I was too harsh. It's taken a lot of time, patience and unfortunately a few arguments to get it through to him that tough love is important. I do love my stepchildren and want what is best for them. He does as well. I also have a daughter of my own but she is only 16 months old. Just the same, having her has really defined the fact that the older kids (his- who are 12 and 16) need to grow up and take responsibility. HE now is the authority figure and that makes my job as mom a lot easier.

Perhaps take that approach- maybe tell him that you understand it must be tough only seeing his son a few times a month but that it's important to have rules and guidelines?

As far as your daughter who he fights with....perhaps this too is from him feeling guilty about his son who he doesn't see and therefore he takes it out on her(?) Hope this helps you some. Wish I could do more. Stepfamilies can be difficult.
Best of luck.

Answer 5

My emphathies go out to you, being a step-mom myself.

The first suggestion I will make is to talk to your husband when none of the children are around and decide together to side with each other, no matter what, in the face of the children.

It is imperative that the two of you be of one mind when it comes to the children, or children will, divide and conquer.

On the next hand, since your stepson only lives in your home part-time, he is going to receive different attention than your daughters. It is imperative that you treat the boy no differently than the girls.

At one point, my husband and I were having niggling difficulties with the children and in order to eliminate difficulties between he and I, we appointed him chief dictator as it pertained to the children. We also agreed that if I had difficulty with or disagreed with how he handled things, I would hold my tongue until after we were alone and then I would tell him why I felt he'd handled something wrong.

It has worked really well for us. Perhaps something like this might work for you.

Answer 6

It wil probably never get better. I went through this he rode my daughter all the time . His son was always at our house. My ex-husband felt that by being a good father was to get his son. Then he would bring him home and I was the one that saw to all his needs discipline etc. One day at my wits end I was praying because I did not like me I mean how petty resent a child. This is not in my nature. I asked God to help me be a good mother to his son. Then I set down with his son and told him you will always be his son no matter what. He is now 20 years old and just this Christmas he told me. How much he appreciated how much I respected him. And how much he loved me for it. So even though the marraiage did not last our relationship did.
Probably did not answer your question but maybe you will get something out of this.

Answer 7

It seems to me if you have the agreement on record about filing taxes you have right to do so. I would send this copy to the other persons who is trying to take over claiming her. Also this Mom should to reported for not holding up her end. Family court. Something is not right since the child is so young the way she is treating her. Sorry but it sounds like you need get all facts, money spent, dates of conversations , etc, recorded in a notebook and be ready to take to court for reconsideration about the agreement and if she is violating it AND perhaps even breaking law about filing when it is your turn. I hope other with more knowledge can help this part. Re submit in another cata gory if you don't get enough answers. Also you may qualify for free tax help through Legal Aid services.

Answer 8

Step parenting is the toughest job you'll ever hate and be hated for.

Your kids are not his concern, just as his son is not yours.

After 1 long term relationship and 1 marriage where I played the primary parental role for the two sets of children and then ended up with no visitation nor rights to the kids I love, I made the decision to never again date a man with youngish children.

As a step parent you get all the crap, and none of the power or love.

And to start fussing at a kid who only gets to be in your house for 2/15 of the time is just silly. Let your husband take care of him and let your husband deal with it when he is older and out of control.

Good luck, you are going to need it.

Answer 9

Many second marriages brake up because of this exact thing. The two of you need to agree on your parenting and then follow through. Your husband might be easier on his son, because he feels guilt over him not living with you and is harder on your daughter because he observes more, living under the same roof. I'd consider family counseling for one or two sessions simply to get an idea of what you two should do. Otherwise you might end up with resentments and arguments.

Answer 10

YOUR HUSBAND MAY NOT FEEL HE HAS A COMPLETE RIGHT TO DISCIPLINE HIS SON BECAUSE HE IS AROUND SO INFREQUENTLY. IT IS NOT NICE OF HIM TO NOT SPEND TIME WITH THE BOY, MAYBE TRY TO DO MORE 'FAMILY' GET TOGETHER THOSE WEEKENDS?? AS FOR YOUR DAUGHTER SHE IS GROWING UP DAD DOESN'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN?? IT WOULD BE VERY GOOD FOR Y'ALL TO GET INVOLVED IN SOME FAMILY COUNSELING. GOOD LUCK TO YOU- HOPE IT GETS BETTER FOR YOU.