Does anyone have any jokes I can share with my family?

Question

I want to get jokes that will actually make my family laugh. Can you guys help out?(please, no bad language) :o)

Answer 1

A man walks into a bar and sees a duck jumping up and down and dancing on a metal box. The man was so impressed on the talent of the duck that he bought it from the bartender and took it home to show his family. After 4 hours, the bartender receives a call from the man asking how to stop the duck from dancing, because it is driving everybody nuts. The bartender laughs and says, "Just open the lid of the metal box and blow the candle out." LOL.

Now give me the 10 points. Thanx.

Answer 2

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left.
This continued daily for several weeks. Curious, the bartender asks him one day,
"Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answers, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and
since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man
every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots
of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asks him why he only ordered two when had always
been ordering three. The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."

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A little boy was writing God a letter asking for a 10-speed bike.
He started out, "God I've think I deserve..."
He thought, God will never believe that, so he threw the paper away and started anew,
"God I've been a good boy..."
but quickly decided that God wouldn't buy that either. So he went to the bathroom and got a towel and
laid it out on the living room floor. Reaching up to the mantel he carefully took down the statuette
of Mary that he had been told never to touch. He wrapped the figure in the towel and secured the package
with a rubber band. Then he sat down to start his letter for the third time,
"Jesus, if you ever want to see your mother again..."

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There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect
wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they
noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on
the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.
Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated
and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman. Everyone knows there is no such thing as Santa Claus or a perfect man.

(A Male's Response)
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have
been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

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Sherlok Holmes and Watron were camping in the forest. They had gone to bed and were lying beneath
the night sky. Holmes said, "Watson, look up. What do you see?"
"I see thousands of stars."
"And what does that mean to you?" Holmes asked.
"I suppose it means that all the planets in the universe, we are truly fortunate to struggle everyday
to be worthy of our blessings. In a meteorological sense, it means we'll have a sunny day tommorrow.
What does it mean to you, Holmes?"
"To me, it means someone has stolen our tent."

Answer 3

this drunk goes into a bar sits down and orders a drink. bartender gives him his drink and walks away. all of a sudden the drunk hears a voice that sure is a nice tie you have on. the drunk looked around didn't see anyone so he takes another drink and hears this voice again that sure is some nice shoes you have on. the drunk looks around still sees no one. so he takes another drink. and again this voice say that sure is a nice sweater you have on. and the drunk turned his head didn't see anyone. he calls out to the bartender. where is this voice i keep hearing it keeps making remarks about what i have on. the bartender says its the peanuts they re complimentary.

Answer 4

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Green Bay Packers have decided to join teams!
There new name will be the Tampacks......there's only two draw backs though!
1. They are only good for one period! and
2. They don't have a second string!

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux (two Louisiana Cajun's)

They decide to go fishing....after, awhile of fishing....it starts to get dark......so they find themselves lost......Boudeaux says to Thibodeaux......"look dares da bank, mah, shine da flashlight on da bank din walk da light beam to shore" Thibodeaux looks at Boudeaux like he's lost his mind and says, " Mah , do you think I'm stupid, I'm going to get have way dare and your goin to turn the flashlight off!

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux decide to go hunting at the deer camp. Boudeaux drives up to Thib's house and honks the horn,Thib comes staggering out of the house with a horrible hangover. They get to the camp and start to go off and hunt and Thib tells Boudeaux he has to take a devilish crap.....Boudreaux gets very mad and goes off without him. Thib sit's down on a nearby log and does his thing, after he passes out almost in his mess.
Two hours later Boudreaux has bagged a small deer and is hauling it back when he see's Thib pass out cold almost in his own crap. Boudreaux decides to play a trick on Thib. He then guts the deer and places all the intestines right near his pulled down pants and naked butt. He then returns to the camp.
About an hour later Thib shows up crying and limping....Boudreaux asks "whats the matter Thib" ...Thib replies " Well I took my morning crap, din I must have passed out, when I awoke, mah , I looked down and saw I had crapped all my guts out" crying and sobbing hard know, Thib says" Its ok , cause wit da grace of God and dee's two fingers I was able to stuff all dat back up dare"!

Answer 5

Did you know that tooth paste was invented in WVA ?
Answer: If it was invented anywhere else it would teeth paste!!!!

Answer 6

this one might be funny...or maybe it's just corny:

so a mushroom walks into a party, but the man at the door stops him. "i'm sorry, you're not on the list," the man says.

"aw, please, let me in!" said the mushroom.

"sorry, i don't think we allow mushrooms in."

"aw, come on. i'm a fun guy!"


get it? fun guy, fungi...yeah.

Answer 7

what do you get when you cross a lake with a leaky boat?...about half way.

Answer 8

What does a snail say riding on a turtle's back? ......"WEEEEEE!"