my 10 year old son says VERY hurtful things when he's upset?

Question

how do i get him to stop this? his father and i are divorced and i have BEGGED the court to allow the child to get therapy but my ex-husband is STRONGLY apposed and we have to BOTH AGREE to therapy (says the court and the order of the court).

i try to set him down and talk about what he says but he shuts down and won't talk at all then...

WHAT CAN I DO?????????????????????

Answer 1

He's 10. He's angry and confused. Of course he's saying hurtful things. That's what kids do until they are taught a different way of behaving.

Next time he does that, remove him from the situation immediately. Give him an opportunity to calm down and get, emotionally, away from the upset. Then give him examples of what you do with your anger... helpful things that he can try. And remember, boys frequently need a physical way to release anger.. punching bag, pitching net, soccer net, basketball hoop... they all work well.

Try saying something like, "Remember yesterday when you got so upset? I know you were angry and I know you don't really hate me (or whatever it was he said) but it still hurts my feelings when you say things like that. I know I feel bad when I hurt other people's feelings by saying something hurtful. So, y'know what I do? When I get really angry, I like to (fill in the blank... work in the garden, play basketball, go for a walk, etc...)" Help him think through things he likes to do that might help him physically express some of that anger so he deal with the issues rather than the emotions.

Answer 2

Well I would set two rules down. One is that it is good to vent. He can hit a pillow. He can journal. He needs an out. The second rule is that he never gets to be rude to you. I would punish him for that very seriously. No matter what your age, what your problems you never ever verbally abuse someone else.

I would spend time with him alone. Just being there. Games, walks for ice cream. Whatever. If he is ressisten to that... then start out with a movie night. That requires very little talking and he can focus on that. When he is more used to being with you one on one, then you can introduce more interactive activities.

He needs to know you are there. You need not to take any crap. And he DOES need an outlet. Is there a big borthers group or something that he can join and find someone not emotionally involved with to be a mentor. Or an after shcool sports team. Exercise will actually change his endorhpins in his body.

Good luck. It will work out. Life is a journey. What you see now, will not always be. It WILL turn out. Find things now to enjoy with him so you still have good memories of this time and so he will too. You can be his biggest non evasive support. even if not talking about it, but just beng there, thinking that he is amazing jus the way he is. But you can't be that person until you have bounderies where he NEVER gets to be mean to you.

Answer 3

I've had this problem myself. More than once. Sometimes a thick ear is anough, but sometimes you have to modify your response to fit the child.

It sounds to me as if your 10 year old is trying to get attention. Deny him. Ignore what he is doing. Don't make any sign that you have heard. Do nothing, say nothing. As soon as he realises he is getting a rise out of you, he has won.

Walk away, continue what you were doing, what you were saying and move on. The minute he realises that he has lost the attention grabbing war, you have the upper hand and it will cease to be the mainstay of his need.

It's his dependence on your pain that he is focusing on, because inside he is hurting from this situation as much as you are, but at ten years old he can't explain that. So you lead the way. Don't let him have that rise. It worked for me.

Alternatively, and this worked for three of my younger ones, create an award system. Praise him for the good things he does and says. At the end of each day, tally up those stars and give it a hug positive reaction. You'd be very surprised how well this works!

Answer 4

Talk to your Ex and tell him to stop being a stubborn as*shole before the kid turns out to be just like him.

Tell him it was court or school appointed and he HAS to go.

From his response. You can tell exactly where the problem is coming from. Getting your son help would just mean that he would have to take a closer look at himself. Obviously he isn't willing to do that.

No wonder he is your EX... Smart move mom!

This always makes people call me a parenting snob (but I don't care really so...) What I do with my kids is I take them out and whenever I see or hear another kid making a scene or being hurt full or rude in public. I make sure they see it and understand how it makes them look to other people. Children and most adults even, have a poor perception of how they look to other people when they are in the middle of doing anything disruptive or stupid.

Let him see how it makes him look. Then carefully chose your words and speak to him kindly and help him to understand that we don't behave for mommy or daddy or anyone else... We behave and speak respectfully because it is the right thing to do for ourselves. It always works for my kids. They both have a strong sense of self and understand that they don't behave that way because it is ignorant and self degrading.

He really needs to learn how to express his anger and frustration.

Answer 5

Have you suggested he write the things down in a personal journal so that he feels "safe" in explaining why he's mad? You would have to respect his privacy though in allowing him to write his thoughts- no matter how bad- rather than saying them. Writing is theraputic. Putting him in therapy says to him that something is wrong WITH him. Trying to solve the situation with him allows him to grow with you rather than away from you.

I wish I could suggest a few books- my daughter has gone through these stages and she has 'american girl book' series that discuss feelings, how to deal with them, what makes her mad, and how to sort things out. They are her books and her books alone. She resorts to them rather than lashing out and I really feel as though it's helped her (and the family!) get along better with friends and family.

Even if there isn't a book for boys in this situation- which I'm assuming there probably isn't, I'd still suggest writing- or even drawing- but some form of an outlet to let him express his emotions rather than hurting you and others.

Best of luck.

Answer 6

My child had the same promblem, And when he was in school, they put him in a anger managment program, Ask if you have a program like that at your school, The councelors are there, and They all sit around in a circle, and The kids are allowed to say there thoughts and feelings and what happends when they get angry, And they all help one another, not even the councelors but the other kids as well, It helped my son and now he doesnt curse and scream and gets soo upset like he used to, or kick or throw chairs, lol sound familiar, take my advice

Answer 7

It is a prefectly natural and human response to say hurtful things when one is upset. I would instead deal with any control issues which you might have.

The reason your child shuts down and refuses to talk to you is because he doesn't trust you. He may blame you for running off his father. Or he may have lost respect for you based on something you did or which he perceives you did. It will take time to heal some of the damage.

Answer 8

is your ex-husband saying bad things about you to your son... look he is just hurting from the divorce... and well he is a ten year old..... If you pay for the therapy, then i don't think it would be wrong??? you should ask the court.... all you can do is show him you love him.... and support him.. i'm sure he'lll open up sooner of later.... take care =)

Answer 9

He is trying to get to you. It will be hard, but don't let him know it affects you so badly. He is trying to get to you to get what he wants. I know there will be a lot of people that won't agree with me on this, but when I was young and smart-mouthed my mom I was destined to get the backhand right in the mouth right that instant (of course it wasn't hard and didn't hurt - it was just an instant reminder that I had crossed the line and had better shut my mouth). But all kids are different. My 9 yr old tends to be so insensitive too that I'm really concerned about him, but I'm convinced that this is just a stage and will pass - well at least I'm holding on to that thought so I can keep my sanity.

Answer 10

Listen sweetie, YOU are the mother. YOU are the parent. YOU are incharge. YOU need to sit him down and straighten him up. He may not respond and he may say he hates you but YOU are the only one that can do anything. YOU need to tell him that you love him very much but he has to stop. He may kick and scream or whatever, but since you're the mom, you cant buy into it! Let him know you are the mother and he has to listen to you. He wont listen to a therapist, but he'll listen to mommy. If he doesnt respnd, tell him he's a big boy and he doesnt need to act like a baby. Tell him that if he acts like a baby you'll treat him like one. Sit him down and talk. He may respond, but thats when you need to go into mom mode and give him a time out or what have you. It may sound mean but right now he's thinking "i can get away with this" only because you're going soft on him. Tell him he cant get away with this. BUt dont punish him like "no playdates for a month" because he'll just hate you more. When he listens to you, reward him. Dont bribe him, and say "if you do this you'll get candy" because it doesnt help. When he does what you say you praise him (not like a dog otherwise he'll feel like an idiot) and give him a small reward. But dont go overboard other wise he'll start expecting rewards. Once this stage passes, then you should give him something big like a trip to Disneyland with several of his friends. This may sound like a bribe, but it doesnt matter. However you get him to do it is fine as long as he's doing it.