How do i get my fiancee to realize that his family refusing to come to our wedding isn't his fault?

Question

My fiancee had a serious falling out with his mom a few months ago and since then his moms side of the family has decided that since she isn't invited to our wedding that they won't come now and he is really hurt. Its not his fault that his mom did what she did. It was pretty serious and i am not sure what to do. Her and I never got along but I still would have invited her if he had wanted her there.

hes tried talking to her and she refuses to take responsibility for anything that shes done. And his family tells him that while she has hurt them too that he needs to just accept that she is the way she is and he needs to deal with it.

At his first wedding she broke into the guests rooms and stole stuff then got drunk and started a huge fight. Neither of us want a repeat of that and since she hasn't stopped drinking or taking pills. Hence why i don't like her or get along with her. I just don't know what to do about his familys reaction to all of this.

Answer 1

I'm sorry that he feels this way, and yes you are both correct in not inviting her to the wedding. As for the remainder of his family, if they cannot see this downward spiral that his mother is in, and are not willing to help out, then have your wedding, with or without his family there, He can explain to his family of his dissapointment in this matter, but if they chose not to come then so be it, it is a choice that they will have to deal with. You and your fiancee will be better off without his family there, as long as he has stated to them infactically that he is dissapointed in there decision, he is not the bully here, he is just trying to make a difficult decision . But you can also assist him, by telling your family to rally around him, support him even more, invite him more into your family, so then he will not feel so left out. Talk often about this with each other, and I wish you both the best, Take care.

Answer 2

Emotions run on high when a wedding takes place and this situation just compounds that.

A part of the wedding ritual is to share the wonderous even with family & friends. When this can't happen, one feels hurt, angry & cheated.

The disagreement between son & mother is upsetting, to say the least. I'm only assuming that this stemmed from a discussion about her behavior. He was RIGHT in doing so.
But the fact that the others are not attending the wedding because this controlling matriarch has spoken says VOLUMES about this disfunctional family.

Plan your wedding; send invites to those you intended to invite in the first place before all this happened. They will either behave like mature adults & come share this with the two of you, or they won't.

Your fiance owes a certain amount of respect to this woman as it is his mother. But when he asked you to marry him, your loyalty became to each other over parents, friends, job, leisure activities. You two must stand strong together now.

With all this said, it does not help the hurt that your fiance is feeling. His family has cut him to the quick, something that will not easily be gotten over. What he is feeling is NORMAL. If he can't come to grips with this, then maybe he needs someone to talk with. Possible a counselor. There are good free agencies in your town.
And too, where is your clergy? Have your fiance speak with him/her about the matter.

Good luck to you both.

Answer 3

Wow...that is really tough. I'm not sure what the fall out was, but it sounds really bad. It sounds like you and your fiance need to have a talk about what you can do together to talk to his family. Maybe if they understood what was going on with her they would be more likely to come since it's not your fault. Maybe you should just skip a big wedding and elope. Or just have a few of your best friends and family for a small wedding. I'm sure you've put a lot of work into a big wedding already so that may not work. Marriage may be tough with the 2 of you since you and his mom don't really get along. But as long as you stay pleasant and don't talk bad about his mom you should be ok. Even if you get really mad you should bite your tongue when you feel like talking about his mom. In laws can be in the way sometime. So can your own parents. If they start to, you have to tell them "hey it's our marriage, butt out". But about this wedding thing, you need to talk to him and find out how important it is for all those people to be there. Is it just the fact that they refuse to come that he's mad? Or is he really close to some of them and he just wants them to be there on his special day since he loves them too. It's your day. The both of you should be happy on that day. The only ones there that matter are the 2 of you and the person marrying you. You should only have eyes for each other. Not wandering eyes checking to see who's there. You can also think of it this way.....the fewer people there the less money you have to spend. Just a thought. Hopefully everything works out for you! Good luck!

Answer 4

One word - ELOPE!

Take the money you would have spent on a big wedding and run off to Hawaii or Jamaica or the California wine country or Las Vegas or some beautiful resort that specifically caters to small destination weddings - you don't need horrible family wrecking what should be a beautiful day.

If you want your family there, just bring your parents and/or immediate family. Tiny weddings can be absolutely exquisite, and low-stress as well. Your fiance's family doesn't even need to be informed of your plans, if they insist that this abusive, alcoholic woman needs to be included in order for them to be there.

Believe me, you do NOT want to have to deal with an alcoholic family member on your special day. One of my sisters is an out-of-control alcoholic, and she got drunk and threw a punch at my face on the night before my wedding, and had to be escorted out of the hotel by security. I didn't get a wink of sleep the night before the wedding, and if my sister had her way, she might have sent me down the aisle with a black eye or fat lip.

In short, weddings have a way of bringing out the crazy in already unstable people, and you don't need the hassle. If these folks are this difficult, just write them off!

Answer 5

it's a tough thing to swallow your pride sometimes but what better time than during an ultra life changing event like your wedding. I think his family is trying to get him to see this but in an odd way. Kill her with kindness because he is "moving on", I am going through a difficult situation w/inlaws as well and am engaged too, I've actually done this and it has relieved a huge burden that I no longer have to think about. Just invite his Mom, giver her all of the respect due any other parent and get your lives moving in the direction you want to, with or without her but with dignity. You can do it!

Update - skip the wedding and fly to Aruba, get married on the beach, who cares who shows up, put the video on YouTube....

Answer 6

That is so sad, but his mom is really manipulative.

If they won't come to the wedding they will surely regret it once it is over and you are wed, they shouldn't let what goes on between those two to affect how they will respond to your invitations.

It is definitely not his fault for her actions and behavior. Continue on with the wedding and whoever shows up shows up. Just think, the less people there the less expensive it is!

Or you could always elope like someone said. I would go for going on with the wedding plans without them and have a blast.

Answer 7

i feel for you honestly as im going through the exact same thing at the moment with a childish, attention seeking, cruel older sister. don't let your sister spoil your day! accept the fact that she is not coming to the wedding and all the rest of your family can enjoy the celebration of your wedding but without the sister from 'attention seeking land'. have a wonderful day and remember she will be more hurt in years to come than you will. good luck on the day! congrats also

Answer 8

This sounds very serious. Is there no way for him to talk and work this out and getting the mom to understand how serious what she did was and invite her anyway? This is something that both his mom and him will be very upset about for years and years, and NO its not his fault, but his mom has to realise that he should be the most important thing in her life. All children are, and the mom is human too, she will always regret it and so will he, is there no way that he wants his mom there? What about dad is dad siding with mom? Can you talk to her and ask her to be civil and not mention the negativity and come anyway? If this is impossible don't let it interfear with how much you love one another. This is your day and you are going to remember it forever. I hop things work out and take care Heather

Answer 9

Sounds like she is manipulative. What mother would allow family to not attend a joyous event like a wedding unless she was manipulative herself. If I am right, just remind him of that.

I haven't spoken to my parents in 2 years and it was tough when I decided that the only family from my side I would invite was my sister. My aunt, uncle and cousins were upset (I didn't think they would be). And as crazy and manipulative my mom is (ohhhh boy is she ever) she would never have insisted that they not go because of our falling out. Actually, if they brought that to her, she would tell them to go.

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She is manipulative, an addict and a thief. Yes, you are definitely much better off without her there. One person responded with, and I am paraphrasing, 'Why would you want people like that there anyway?'?

For some reason, even though she behaves like that he is supposed to accept her for who she is and allow that destructive behavior in his life? I can assure you that my son and myself are much much happier since I stopped talking to my mother. No one is required to keep such a nasty individual in their life. The whole family sounds messed up if they think that he should have to associate with that women, his mother or not. And he is better off without any of them.

Answer 10

I do not envy you this difficult situation. In the end, his family will regret that they were not able to attend. This is your wedding day and you want it to be stress free. If she is there and you are concerend about your guests belongings and her behavoir than that's okay. I would be concerned as well. There is a reason I am not inviting my family, and it's that reason exactly!!!!!

Godd Luck to you both.,