jokes
clean
2007-02-17 23:16:09 · 4 answers · asked by julie p 2 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
A blonde cop caught a blonde woman speeding. He pulled her over and walked over to her car.
"Miss, I'm going to have to see your license" the blonde cop said.
"What's a license?" the blonde woman asked.
The blonde cop tried to think of a way to describe it, "It's small, rectangular, and has your face on it."
The blonde woman searches through her purse and finds her compact mirror, she looks at it and sees that it is small, rectangular and has her face on it.
She hands it to the blonde cop.
The blonde cop looks at it, "Oh I'm sorry miss" the cop said, "I didn't realize you were a police officer too."
A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.
The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.
The man says, "that's ok."
The man's next wish is for a house by the sea.
Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, "that's okay."
The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!
Heaven was filling up, so God decided to only let people in who had really horrible deaths.
The first guy came in and God asked him how he died.
The man began his story.
"Well, I found out my wife was having an affair, so I tried to kill the guy. I found him outside a window of a five story building hanging on to the ledge by his hands. I hit his hands with a hammer and he fell off of the building. When he hit the ground he still didn't die, so I threw a refrigerator on him and he died. And after all of that, I died of a heart attack.
"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" so he let him through the gate.
The next guy came in and God asked him how he died.
The guy began his story.
"Well I was working out in the hallway when I slipped and fell down the stairs and fell out the window. I managed to grab the window ledge but some guy hit my hands with a hammer so I fell off the building. I landed in a bush so I was okay, but then the guy threw a fridge on me!
"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" and he let him through the gate.
Then a third guy came in and God asked him how he died.
The guy began his story.
"You aren't going to believe this" he said, "but i was hiding in a refridgerator...
The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!
One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.
Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"!
The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"
The Choirboy replies...
"flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!
A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.
When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"
The man replied "You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years".
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's *** I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.
A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's *** too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"
"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
God says, "That was the screen saver".
A man was walking in the woods and came to a cottage where the walls were covered with clocks. He asked the woman who owned the cottage what all the clocks were for. She replied that everyone in the world had a clock, and every time you told a lie your clock advanced a second. He saw a clock that was hardly moving and when he remarked about it he was told that it was Mother Theresa's. He then asked where Bill Clinton's clock was. The woman replied "It's in the kitchen, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
2007-02-18 01:43:26 · answer #1 · answered by megastarr92 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side Service for a homeless man, with no family or friends, who
had died while traveling through the area.
The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, And
this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; And
being a typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an
hour late.
I saw the backhoe and the crew,who was eating lunch, but the hearse
was nowhere in sight. I apologi! zed to the workers for my tardiness,
and stepped to the side of the open grave.
Where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them long, But this was the
proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their
lunch.
I poured out my heart and soul. As I preached the workers began to
say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory," I preached,and I
preached, like I'd never preached before: From Genesis all the way to
Revelations.
I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car. I
felt I had done my duty for the homeless man, And that the crew would
leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, In spite of my
tardiness.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat. I overheard one of
the workers saying to another "I ain't never seen anything like this
before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years
2007-02-18 13:42:36 · answer #2 · answered by tinker 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
so this man walks into a bar....
..."ouch"
2007-02-18 08:36:52 · answer #3 · answered by cinnamonstar123 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
No sorry.!!!
2007-02-18 16:52:11 · answer #4 · answered by JAM123 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋