How do I punish my mom without making my daughter feel like she did wrong?

Question

Okay, my mom took both of my girls last night and brought them home this morning. Well, my oldest wanted to go with her again. I only agreed because my mom hadn't seen them in a month. My youngest wanted to stay home with her father and I. My mom called me a few hours ago telling me she bought Liyah a new dress, shoes, leotards, a teddy bear, and a new doll. She also took her out to dinner. I don't think this is right. I asked my mom what she got Lyssa (my youngest). She said she was broke after buying for Liyah. I know this isn't fair to Lyss. My question, how do I get my mom to stop without making Liyah feel like she's the one that did wrong? I don't want her to think she did something when Grandma did it. What would you do in this situation? I don't want my girls to have to deal with their grandmother playing favoritism.

I don't mean punish my mom in that exact context....But I want her to realize that she is doing wrong when she does things like this. And no it isn't the first time. My brother and I had to deal with it growing up. I got all the nice things and he got what was left over. I'm getting to the point where I don't want my children around her because of this. I just don't want them to feel like they are the ones that are in trouble.

Answer 1

Tell mom if she can't buy for both, don't buy for either. My older sister was like this. She wanted to buy for my son and treat him like a king, but ignore my two young daughters. I finally sat down and told her, I know she favors him but it's unfair for him to always be spoiled. She's aunt to my daughters too and they deserve some of her attention. My sister mended her ways and now if she buys for one, she buys for all. I think your mom just needs to be told straightforward. Let her know she's hurting her other granddaughter when she does this and it's not fair. If she persists, then cut back severely the time she's allowed to see either of them. I'd tell the girls "grandma is very busy." It keeps them from feeling like they've done wrong and it gives grandma a chance to get her act together. If she can't get her act together, I'd tell her in the best interest of my children's mental health, she won't be able to see them at all any more. I'm sure she'll get it together. If not, is it really a big loss? You don't want someone who supposedly loves them to treat them this way, at least I wouldn't. Mom to 3 who learned the hard way here.

Answer 2

You said your mom is making Liyah feel she did something wrong...

That doesn't make any sense...Liyah just got dinner and a dress.

If anybody makes Liyah feel she did something wrong, it would have been you in this case.

Lyssa might not have a problem with the extra treatment unless you make a big deal about it.

Grandma should take just Lyssa next time to even things up, IF LYSSA feels slighted, not if you feel slighted.

Be happy grandma wants to spend time and money with and on your kids. Try not to be so picky about the distribution. If both kids were there, she would have been more fair I'm sure. This whoile situation is not a big deal. Don't make it into one.

Answer 3

So next time will be Lyssa's turn and Liyah will stay home with you... and they'll both understand that they can have special times with grandma, and that everything is NOT always equally distributed. I firmly believe that children of different ages should NOT have all the same perks... they need to look forward to something as they get older.. it encourages them to want to mature.

Don't make the mistake of insisting that both your children share equally in all gift giving. It's not playing favorites.. it's GIFT GIVING.. and should be done from the heart and accepted graciously.

Of course, if your mom has the opportunity to give to both girls and chooses to play favorites OVER TIME, then I'd speak to her. But one incident? I'm not sure why you're having a problem with it.

Answer 4

She is 19 years old - to me the "kid at Christmas" thing does not apply to her. She totally defied you and manipulated you by calling Dad behind your back (also with Dad not knowing what you already told her). I would feel angry and completely unappreciated. If it were me, I would say - look you couldn't wait the few hours you were told to, now you can wait longer. I'd take the phone away (if even just for one day) just to prove my point that when I say something - I mean it. She still lives with you so I would say you have every right to punish her that way. The love of her life will get over it - I am assuming you do have a home phone. (then again, I think kids these days forgot how to use those) Don't worry if she hates you for a little while - what teenager hasn't "hated" their parents at one time or another? Most importantly - discuss it with your husband before you do anything. If parents contradict each other when it comes to issues with the children like that, then there is trouble. Good luck!

Answer 5

I'm going to play devil's advocate here.

Grandmother didn't do anything that requires a quiet correction or anything of the sort.

The youngest of her two granddaughters opted out of spending an additional day with grandma. She was given a choice. She turned it down.

If Lyss is old enough to be hurt, then Lyss is old enough to understand that she isn't entitled to enjoy the benefits of grandma without investing her time in grandma.

Liyah chose to spend another day with her grandmother and it sounds like she had a great day. The only way to spoil that day is to imply that she did something wrong. She would never feel guilty unless someone implied that she is.

Liyah and Lyss had a choice. Neither choice was wrong, but one came with fringe benefits. There are consequences to our choices and children are capable of learning this. Even if the process hurts their feelings.

Answer 6

wow...that's a toughy. I would just talk to your mom about it when the girls aren't in hearing range....like u and your mom go out to lunch or something and u talk to her then. I'm not sure what u can do to punish her but u just got to make it clear to her that she will not play favorites with your children. Maybe that's y Lyss stayed home today....b/c she was showing Liyah more attention when they were out yesterday and it made her feel bad.

I would have a serious sit down talk with your mother. Be firm and assertive with her.

Answer 7

Ask Liyah if she would like to give one or two of the items to her younger sister. Explain to her that grandma wasn't very fair to Lyssa and Lyssa would feel so much better if she could share. She may surprise you and be willing to help the situation.

In the future, make a strict rule that either your mom buys the same for everyone or buys nothing at all.

Tell the girls that anything grandma buys, no matter who she says it's for, is to be shared from now on.

Answer 8

That's a tough situation to be in. I'm glad you clarified that this isn't a first-time offense for her, but more likely just the way she is. The fact that you were the "favored" child and still grew up to resent it is very telling. It sounds like your Mom needs an ultimatum-- her behavior hurts your daughters' feelings, and if she isn't willing to change the behavior, she won't be spending much time with her granddaughters.

Good luck; I don't envy you having to deal with this.

ETA: I don't think that things always have to be even or else, just that if your mom does this habitually that she needs to stop because it's hurtful to the girls. A special day out and one toy ($10 or so) is acceptable, but to go all-out for one and then having *nothing* for the other I think is taking it too far.

Answer 9

Ask her to put herself in your youngest childs position and ask how she'd feel seeing her older sister being showered with presents and not her. Your mom should have spent equal amounts of money on them both rather than ending up broke. Give her the benefit of the doubt as she may not have realised at the time. If she does it again put your foot down and don't let her take them out your girls feelings are more important than your moms.

Good Luck

Answer 10

I really think you are looking into this the wrong way, Looking back at my childhood. My Grandmother would do the same thing.
It wasn't like it was planned it was who was with her at the time.
Maybe she really couldn't afford doing for two. I wouldn't ruin the time your oldest had with her....it will make beautiful memories.
However next time I think I would let the other one go by herself too. My most perfect memories were spending time alone with her and just having a girls night out.
Look at their birthdays and Holidays I bet she treats them equal....it was just a special night for them.
Wishing all grandmas had pocket books that were bottomless....sounds like you are thinking and looking for something that isn't there....just because you do for one does mean you are obligated to do for another...gifts come from the heart.
Let it go....enjoy what she was able to do....give your daughter a smile and you too should smile that they truly enjoyed one another....one day she won't be there...how lucky they are to share one another Now.....

best wishes