I feel like my whole family is abandoning me.......how can I deal with this?

Question

As you might notice in my other questions, I'm having a lot of family troubles right now. My dad is a drunk who's never been a part of my life. My mom shows zero interest in my life and never calls or visits. (I used to call and visit her but got sick of the one way street we were dealing with.) My sister treats me like some 8 year old idiot, even though I'm an adult. I feel like moving on and just cutting ties with my family. What can I do? This whole situation is really stressing me out.

Answer 1

When it comes to your father, as you know he has a problem. It isn't you, and there isn't much you can do about him other than not to take it personally.

I offered guesses about the issue with your mother on another question.

When it comes to your sister, maybe you could have a calm, serious, talk with her about the fact that older siblings often get stuck in the dynamics that were in place when everyone was little (for example, an older sibling can act as if a younger one is a pesty little kid in adulthood; or an older siblings may appoint themselves "boss" or "parent" of younger ones and just never grow past doing what they did as a kid).

What if you calmly tell point out to her that many older sisters don't respect younger ones for some reason (and this is the truth; I'm not just making something up for you to say). Tell her you care about her and want to have a nice relationship, but being her lack of respect for you amounts to what someone else would call "abusive"; and tell her you'd like that to stop.

What older sisters (or abusive people) do when someone calls them on what they're doing is minimize the problem and say the its the other person being sensitive or immature or whatever they come up with. When/if she does that say something like, "What you just did is exactly what abusive people do when someone calls them on what they're doing. Look it up." Tell her you know she doesn't realize what she's doing, but if she would like you to explain what she's doing you will.

You could say something like, "I know you don't realize what you're doing."

The only other thing you could do is take each incident one at a time. Remain calm and calmly state that you do not wish to be told whatever she told you. If she says you're over-sensitive, calmly state, "If you had someone doing that to you you it would get to you after a while too."

Other than either of the above approaches, all you can do is stay away from her (and maybe mention something like, "I'd like us to spend more time together, but as long as you keep telling me what to do I have to limit it because I'm not in the market for that."

The other thing is to keep seeing her and tell yourself that she is someone who doesn't respect you as an adult and probably never will, but you have the choice to ignore it if you want and just consider her the one with the emotional problem.

We get who get for sisters and brothers. If she does this to you now she'll probably still be doing it when gray hairs start showing up. You have to decide how often you want to be with your sister and whether you can overlook or counter-attack. You also need to remember that you don't need her approval and probably won't ever get it anyway, that she will probably never see the "real you" because she doesn't want to or because she has too much of an ego, and you may have to just deal with her on a casual basis to reduce her opportunities to pick you apart.

It is stressful to have to get into a "defense" mode the minute someone shows up because you know the unprovoked verbal attacks will be coming. She IS attacking you, whether or not she really "gets it" that you're an adult who deserves respect. Every time you feel attacked and feel you can't stop it you feel helpless, and you wonder why a strong, intelligent, person like you is not capable of stopping herself from being attacked.

Every time you are made to feel helpless when you know you are strong and intelligent and mature you may feel that you hate yourself for allowing this to happen. You may even wonder if what you see in the mirror is the same as what others see, because you don't understand what someone like your sister sees that makes her say that stuff to a grown-up.

I just mentioned these things in case they ring a bell for you and in case its at all of any help or reassurance that what you sister does is what a whole lot of older sisters do.

Finally, since apparently your "whole family" amounts to, really, just your mother and sister maybe you can feel less bad about things if you remember you're only really talking about two people. (I don't mean to ignore that you have a father, but his problem changes what can be expected of him.) I think I've heard that children of alcoholics often become very controlling. Maybe that's part of your sister's problem. Maybe you could talk to her about that as well.

Answer 2

I would write them a letter and tell them how you feel. Be polite, but honest. Sometimes that opens up communication. Sometimes not, but it's worth a shot. At any rate, it will give you a chance to tell your side of the story without interruption.

Cutting off all communication isn't going to fix the problem--your family problems will follow you wherever you go, unless you make a point to forgive them as you move on. A LOT of times, people cut themselves off from their families only to form exact replicas in their own marriages.

Family problems are hard. I am so sorry you are dealing with all this right now. I hope you find a good support group outside your family, too. Good luck to you.

Answer 3

If your dad is, as you say, a drunk, then he is probably sick with the disease of alcoholism. I have some experience with alcoholism in my own family. Alcoholism is a disease which has an effect on all of the members of a family. Therefore, it affects the family dynamics as well. Luckily, there are groups designed to help family members of an alcoholic deal with the issues which arise from having an alcoholic in their family. Al-Anon, Al-ateen, and Adult Children of Alcoholics are 3 groups which have helped hundreds of thousands, if not millions of family members effected by their family member's alcoholism. You can find Al-Anon easily in the phone directory. If you're a teen, then Al-Anon can probably help you find an Al-Ateen meeting. I don't think that Al-Anon is associated with Adult Children of Alcoholics, but they might be able to provide you with a phone number if you can't find one on-line.

Also, these meetings don't cost a dime, so if you're not sure where to start with dealing with the dynamics of your family, finding one of these meetings might be a good starting point.
Good luck.

Answer 4

Is there some reason your loved ones feels you will possibly desire to no longer stay independently? despite if there's a reason, it relatively is significant you discover ways to stay independently. Your mothers and fathers won't stay perpetually and your brothers might have outfitted their very own lives and households. in the experience that your mothers and fathers help is conditional (it has strings linked), which you ought to to noticeably evaluate the fee of accepting such help. It regularly turns into an uncomfortable challenge. Now on your question: How am i able to handle it? area of turning right into a mature person is making a determination and sticking to it. tell your mothers and fathers and brothers you're touched via their problem for you, besides the undeniable fact that it relatively is taken under consideration necessary you to grow to be self sustaining. in the event that they won't enable you to, get you a room mate...to share expenses.

Answer 5

First of all, you should pray about this situation. God is always here to help you with your problems, big or small. Second of all, perhaps you might be better off to move on with your life. If your family cares for you, they will contact you. You can not let this stress you out like you are doing. Depression is no good for anyone. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

Answer 6

if u really feel stressed out juz move out and start a new life. dunt juz cut ties with ur family as they hac raised u even if u do not like it. stay away 4 a few months 2 cool down. if they do not come and find 4 u it means they do not care.

Answer 7

Just do what you can for yourself and when they are ready they will how some sign or from time to time say hey till they show a sign they want more. Do not get mad with them just accept things for how they are and hope for change in time.

Answer 8

Have you tried Alateen? It is for teenagers who have an alcoholic in their family. They will be able to give you direction from those who have walked in your shoes.

Don't leave before trying the above.

All the best.