My parents never call me or visit me. What's the deal?

Question

I'm in college and it seems like as soon as I left my mom's to go to school, she ignored me. My dad has never been a part of my life so his lack of interest isn't as upsetting. I used to try to call my mom at least once a month, but I got sick of being the only one making contact attempts. She has never visited me and I've lived here for 4 years (it's a 2 hour drive). I used to visit all the time but I just can't afford it and I don't have the time like I used to. She never called to see how my senior year of college was, how my new internship was, how my life was, if I survived the blizzard... nothing. Should I tell her she's hurting me or just forget about it and wait and see if she decides to care?

She's not dead. If I don't call her I won't hear from her for months. She won't contact me... and I'm getting tired of it.

You should be ashamed of yourself for saying "f her" about your daughter. You're a disgrace. I was a good kid. Good student, nice kid, shy kid, helped out as much as I could. I never got any money from my parents, I worked my butt off for everything I own. I am making something of myself unlike my parents. How dare you accuse me of being some awful kid. You're a horrible parent. No wonder your kid dumped on you.

Answer 1

That's messed up! If I were you, i'd let her make all the future moves and let the ball be in her court, you did your part by visiting and trying to make contact etc... just focus on YOUR life and hope she begins to care.

Answer 2

I have done this whole scenario with my mom. She moved out of state to my sisters. Icalled having the better phone plan but my mom hardly got on the phone just sent her love through my sister.This hurt me bad, the two of us were so close before her move and I was beginning to feel shut out. One day I called while mom was asleep and my sister begged of me"please do not call so often. Mom cries so much when you do, no one can fill your spot. So please don't stop calling but make it less frequent." That destroyed me. Ain' t nothing worse than feeling disconnected from your mom for any amount of time. Be up front with her that this has been bothering you, just maybe she is feeling just like my mom was. 4 years has passed and it is time for healing at the least yourself. you need to get what is on your mind out, and it shouldn't have to wait any longer. The fact of the matter may just be she still hurts from letting a child grow up. But do speak all your feelings, any good doctor will say the same thing. You can't move on with your own self until this is resolved.GOOD LUCK

Answer 3

I firmly believe that "not contacting" your mother is not the best approach to your situation. I know you feel, and rightfully so, that your mother for the most part has shown no interest in you the past four years. However, you should at least try to get a dialog started to determine why. I believe you should contact her and ask for time together to discuss the problems. If she refuses then you've done all you can to rectify it. You must simply "go on with your life." Hopefully leaving the door open will help you two get back together eventually. You have a lot going for you and it's obvious to me that you are a good person. Good Luck.

Answer 4

There is the chance your mother thinks she's doing the right thing by waiting for you to call her and visit her.

Don't assume she doesn't care because even if my guess is not correct there is probably some reason she has that has nothing to do with not caring.

Not long ago I watched a program on television about how the colleges have to tell parents to leave "their students" alone and let them have their college life without having parents showing up all the time. This program was about the fact that there's apparently a problem with parents' calling the school and trying to butt in on grades and other things, calling their sons and daughters all the time, showing up all the time, and generally not letting their sons or daughters have some independence.

I have a daughter in college, and I get in touch with her; but I stop myself from calling as often as I may want just so that I won't seem like I'm harrassing her.

Sometimes, too, though, mothers feel that their grown kids don't want to be getting calls from their mother and don't want their mother showing up all the time. They can think, "I'll wait to hear from her" because they don't want to seem like they're "not letting go". When you're a mother "the world" is only to ready to be telling you to stay off your kids back and "kids don't want you around once they're grown". Messages like these are everywhere, and maybe your mother took this type of thing a little more to heart than she should have.

If your mother, by any chance, lost her own mother when before she was "established" as a grown-up (with a career or husband and kids) your mother may not know what its like to be a grown-up who still wants her mother in her life. She may have grown so used to living her life without her mother she just kind of came to assume that's how it works when a daughter is grown. It sounds hard to believe, but mothers who lost their own mother young don't know what its like to be grown and still have a living mother. They just sometimes can assume grown-up means not wanting Mom any longer.

Finding that balance of showing you care but not trying to seem intrusive, and showing that you're not trying to "hold back" sons or daughters from being independent without seeming too removed is tricky. Parents off lean too much in one direction or the other.

Also, though, maybe your mother thinks since you stopped visiting that you are angry at her.

Is there any chance your mother could be nervous about a two-hour drive? Might she be a little highway phobic and not want to admit that? Is money an issue for her? Would calling involve a high phone bill or extra cost of a cell phone?

Is there a chance - since you used to only call her once a month - she took that as your not wanting to talk on the phone? Some people don't like talking on the phone. Also, is there a chance that there's some family sadness you and she have been together, which may make her feel that not calling you is a way to keep from "darkening your doorstep" with "old sadness"?

I think you should talk to her. See what she says about the situation. If she's the kind of person who has low self-esteem or if she's someone who didn't like having her own mother "smothering" her, she may have an inappropriate degree of assuming you don't want to hear from her.

Of course, there's the chance she doesn't care; but that's not usually the case with mothers - especially if mothers seemed normal throughout a child's life. Talk to her, and take it from there.

One final thing: If, by any chance, she's lived under a lot of long-term stress there's the chance she is either emotionally so exhausted or else depressed to the point where she can't muster up the energy to do much of anything - even talk. That may sound hard to believe, but when people are really, really, emotionally exhausted or depressed they can have trouble finding the energy to talk.

Answer 5

I would talk to her about it. Maybe when you talk to her next time just mention something. Ask if there is something wrong... tell her you were wondering because you dont hear from her often. Be nice about it and just more concerned (like you are) not angry with her. All of us are so different and we all show are love in different ways. I know that my dad loves me to death... however if I dont call him I would not hear from him either. He is just very busy and caught up in his life. I am sure he thinks about calling often but just never quite makes it that far. He has no idea how much it used to hurt me. Maybe it is the same with you're mom??? Does she have other kids at home with her??? Is she busy??? Maybe she just finds it hard to talk to you since you are so far away. I am rambling but basically.... I think you should talk to her. Why waste another day ...week...year of not feeling connected with your mother. You may regret not talking it through one day. It could be something so simple that she does not realize. Wishing you the best!!!

Answer 6

Look at website 'experience project My parents won't call.'It doesn't give advice but shows how others cope with a neglectful parent.

Answer 7

Why not write them a letter, an update on your life. They may be experiencing the "empty nest syndrome." If they don't reply, don't beat yourself up over it. You are a survivor, and seem like a good person. Someday, they will make contact. Perhaps they have a guilty conscience for their lack of contact. And, while I do not know you or your parents, I wish the best of luck to all of you.

Answer 8

I am sorry to hear this. I am the mom here, and my kids expect me to do ALL THE calling, visiting etc, even knowing that my husband (not their dad) is in a wheelchair.
Overall, it seems logical to me that kids make the attempt to see the parent. But no, you should not carry the entire burden of keeping up a relationship.

Answer 9

I would write her a letter saying " Hey mom i miss you you may not miss me but i think we should spend some time together mabe i could come down for a week and i could get you some coffee how about it reply soon! - sincerly your loving lonely child" and for your dad i would try to get in contact with him by calling and seeing if you could visit for a while.

Answer 10

How big of a pain in her backside were you when you were living under her roof?

My daughter is a freshman in college, she couldn't ease her way out, she had to go out of her way to burn all her bridges.

I love her dearly, but if she is going to take dump on all the family values we tried to instill in her - F her.

You raise a child, you try an instill a sense of right/wrong, you give them everything you possibly can. They are the center of your universe - then they take a dump on your head the second they turn 18.

Before you blame your mother, take a long look in the mirror. If you were a dog kicked to the curb how would you feel?