Anyone!!!!!!!?????

Question

anyone have a good joke!!!!!!!!

best joke gets 10pts

Answer 1

A Smart Blonde Joke

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?

Answer 2

A very successful lawyer parked his brand new Lexus in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he opened the door a truck came roaring past and completely tore off the driver's door of the Lexus. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.
When a policeman arrived, the lawyer was still screaming hysterically.
His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now
completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how the body shop tried to make it new again.
After the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting, the cop shook his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are", he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Didn't you notice that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
The lawyer looked down to his left side and let out a terrible scream: "Oh my God!!! ... MY ROLEX!"

Answer 3

A young 6-month pregnant lady boarded a bus and took a seat. She noticed a young man smiling at her and got humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth
move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested.

The case came before the court, and when asked why he acted in such a manner, the man replied, "When the lady boarded the bus I
couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read, 'Coming Soon: The Gold Dust Twins.'
Then she moved under one that read, 'Sloans Liniments Remove Swelling.'
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read, 'William's Stick Did The Trick.'
I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read, 'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.'"
He won the case.

Answer 4

I have many. Um, my favorite blonde joke: A man was mowing his lawn when he heard his neighbor, who happened to be a blonde, come out of her house. She opened her mailbox, looked inside and slammed it shut. She stomped her foot and went back inside. The man thought ''how weird.''
A few minutes passed and sure enough, the blonde came out of her house again, checked her mail box, stamped her foot and went back inside. The man stopped mowing and checked her mailbox to see what was so wrong with it. After seeing nothing, he went back to mowing just shrugging his shoulders.

As soon as he heard her coming out again, he shut off his mowing machine and went up to her. ''What in the world are you doing, coming out here every five minutes?''

The blonde looked up at the man and said, ''Well, you see, there's this little voice in my house that keeps on saying, 'You've got mail,' but when I come out here to check, I don't have any.''



and then there's this, a funny people joke: There was once this couple who had been married for a long time, but could never get along very well. Many times, late at night there would be screams and shouts from their house. One day the old man said, “I'm sick and tired of you. When I die, I will come out of my grave to haunt you.”
After this, the old guy started practising black magic. All the disappearances of people, cats, dogs, etc. were blamed on him.

At the age of 80 the old guy dies, and his wife puts him in a casket. Later that night, she goes to the bar and parties as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbour comes up to her and says, “Aren't you scared that the old guy will dig up and haunt you?”

The old lady camly replied, “Eh, let him keep digging. I put the casket the other way around.”

Answer 5

>THE PERFECT HUSBAND
>Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a
>bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and
>begins
>to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
>MAN: "Hello"
>WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
>MAN: "Yes"
>WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.
>It's
>only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
>MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
>WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new
>2007
>models. I saw one I really liked."
>MAN: "How much?"
>WOMAN: "$90,000"
>MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
>WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year
>is
>back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
>MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They
>will
>probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's
>really
>a pretty good price."
>WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
>MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
>The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at
>him in
>astonishment, mouths agape.
>He turns and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

WHY YOU SHOULD FLIRT
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was
going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need
for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and
away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke
without pain and as it was still early, decided go to the party. As her
husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have
some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not
with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his
costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice
"chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he
left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let
him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After
more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and
she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate
intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she
slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed,
wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous
behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what
kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a
good time when you're not there." Then she asked,"Did you dance much?"
He replied, I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got
there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,so we went into the
spare room and played poker all evening." You must have looked really
silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with
unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my
costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life."

SENSES OF THE FIRST GRADERS

A teacher was doing a study testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.
The children began to say:
" Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange.........orange,"
Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.
After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.
"Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and
yelled:
"Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!

Answer 6

It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. "Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" said the teacher. "Now, who said, 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?'"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost a mob hysteria, the teacher said, "If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh ****, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally, someone threw an eraser at Pedro and another student shouted, "Duck"!

The teacher, just waking up and still a bit out of it, asked "Who said that?

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006!"

Answer 7

hhmm.......i got a good one.

Ok there are 3 people, and they all did sum thing terrible. i mean rele bad, so they all die, and go to heaven, casue god is mad at them. So god says
What have you done that is so bad? he says to the first guy.
The guy replies i shot someone. so god says, ok drink from my magic fountain, and everything will be ok. So the guy drinks the fountain water, and jumps back to to earth. the second guy rapped a little girl, so again he drank from the fountain and everything was ok. Then the 3rd guy walks up to god, laughing rele hard. And god asks, why are u laughing?? and he says "cause i peed in the water"

Answer 8

an old man and an old lady walked into a resturant. they buy one meal and carefully share between themselves. the people around them begin to feel sorry for the couple that they can only buy one meal,so, many of them offer to buy somethinhg else for them.the couple says no because they usually share everything. the man is gulping down his share and the lady sits there doing absouloutely nothing for a while. people start to get curious and ask her hy she isn't eating anything. she replies: im waiting for the teeth! is this funny?

Answer 9

OK.
Teacher:Why does the Statue of Librity stand in New York's harbor?

Student: Because it can't sit down!

Answer 10

did you hear about the indian who had to sleep in the hotel lobby because he didn't have a reservation?

:-D