do we have to forgive abusive parents who never apologises?

Question

my mom was abusive physcailly and emotionally for the first 18 years of my life, then she becomes just verbally abusive till now (physcially she is weaker now), i've moved out since i was 22, she never apologize for anything she did, last time i saw her she compares me to my sister openly, she also said things like 'you are not very beautiful you know?' , 'if your boyfriend is not sick, he would never go out with you, coz you are ugly', or 'you are not very smart', i am 28 got my own place, a great job, i have a very happy life until i have to interact with her, should i forgive her and make up with her knowing that she will ruin me, or should i not forgive her and carry on with my happy life without her? is forgiving somebody who never repent a good thing?

Answer 1

Obviously she is the sick one and I'm so sorry you had to go through that but you are grown now and you don't have to. Just go on with your life even if you have to leave her behind. You have tried and that is all you can do...You can't make her do the same.
If you feel that you want to keep her in your life...don't take in anything she says...who knows...maybe one day she will change. I wish you the best of luck!

Answer 2

The only thing I can do is share my story. My mother and I never got along. Her abuse was so bad once as a teenager she tried to kill me. No matter how far apart we lived, how often we talked it was always always strained. I always had my guard up agaisnt her, I believed everything she said was negative. Only one day I realized that my anger and pain was turning me into the same negative hateful person as my mother. Then I went into a huge depression because I realized I didn't even like myself. I also realized that although I didn't physically abuse my kids, my anger was affecting them and all my other relationships. When you are so mistreated by someone who is supposed to love, support, and cheerlead for you, it is very difficult to believe that anyone else is truly trustworthy. I'm not talking about trusting them with your money, or a key to you house. I am talking about that intimate trust, where you can share your hurt, pain, anger, and faults believe that they wll still be there. They won't hold it agaisnt you, or shove it in your face in the future. Yes, for your own sake. Take the time to write down every dirty deed your mother did, mine took up multiple pieces of paper. Then write your mom a letter and tell her how you feel and that you forgive her. Also tell her that you will not tolerate being mistreated any longer. Writing is much better than person to person, this way your mother will not be able to interupt, and make this about her, or get the two of you in a yelling match. I had to pray everyday for a while to hold on to that forgiving spirit. Sometimes I still have to take a moment and pray for a forgiving spirit, and my mother passed away last year. Then seperate yourself from her, forgiving her does not mean that you have to spend time with her or build a relationship just yet if ever. Forgiving her allows you to release the anger and pain. Then focus on what you want in life and not what you don't want. Say to yourself, I want healthy personal relationships. Do not say, I don't want to be mistreated by people. Live in the positives. I hope this helped.

Answer 3

My mom was also abusive. When I was 30 she had a breakdown and so now everything is blamed on her 'mental illness'. I don't care what it was, I don't want it around me or my children. I don't know about forgiveness, but I've accepted that it is who she is, and that's how my life was. Once i accepted it, instead of resenting it and being angry, I could move forward and leave in peace. I still get angry sometimes, and it takes a LOT of work to drop it and leave it behind. Counseling helped, and reading a lot of books on surviving childhood trauma.

Peace is what we all need, and that negativity won't help. Just don't go around her. WIth my mom she's crazy enough we can't even say that THAT is the reason, we just have an excuse every time. She's selfish enough I just have to say one of the kids has a runny nose and she won't even drive by the house.

Answer 4

i don't think i could forgive that kind of thing but some would argue that forgiveness is the first step on the road to healing. problem with that is it hasn't stopped yet and she hasn't asked for forgiveness nor does she appear to believe she has done anything wrong. truely, this is something that you'll really have to think about.i'll ask the obvious-have you talked to her or your sister about it? probably so. if you can handle these degrading insults, then stick around. otherwise,tell her what she's done to you and how you feel. let her know that you will no longer be brought down by her insults, move on with your life and be happy.my guess is, you keep going back with the hope that maybe she'll be different next time. maybe she'll appologize.only you can decide when enough is enough. best of luck to you.

Answer 5

I think that you should carry on with your own life. You are happy in it, successful...don't let her pull you down and destroy what you have worked so hard to achieve. You should be proud of accomplishements, especially considering what you have gone through. Forgiving a person is a good thing, but if they continue to abuse you, then you should only tell her, that you forgive her, and be done with her. If she is still abusing you, then you need to stay away from her. Go on without her. It sounds like she hasn't been supportive of you and that she still isn't. Let her go, so that you can have a full and complete life....let her wallow in her own misery by herself.

Good luck

Answer 6

Some say that it's necessary for one's own mental and spiritual health to "forgive" those who have hurt you. I don't know that that's true. I think that if you are able to let go of both the hatred AND the need to love or to need love FROM that person...then you're free.

Compassion may be the only justification for human life. But you have to be compassionate toward yourself, or your life and relationships will always be limited.

Good luck!

Answer 7

All in all, forgiveness is really good for yourself. When you forgive, you let go of all the anger, frustration, and hate and ultimately you will be able to free yourself. You don't have to forgive her; it is a choice! And it is not easy, it takes time. But always remember that if you choose to hold all that bad stuff against her, you will be the one suffering!

Answer 8

I can relate to what you are going through. My Mother and Father are the same way. My Father has passed on now and my Mother continues to say disparaging things every chance she can.
I am not even sure she is aware of the hurtful things she says.
I Love my Mom and Dad and I choose to let their remarks go in one ear and out the other. I do not let it affect my opinion of myself. Sometimes I do feel like lashing out back at Mom when she says these things... and once I did. A couple years back I said I was tired of her negative comments, she hung up and we didn't talk for almost a year. I am glad we made up and I will choose to have a Mother who says bad things about me, as opposed to having no Mother at all.
I Love her because she is my Mother, not because of what she says to me. Good Luck to You........

Answer 9

Giving birth does not make you a parent.
Loving and nurturing does.
You owe her nothing. Don't let her ruin even one more day of your life by making you feel unhappy. You can still love her in your heart, and even forgive her, because she is your mother.
Forgiving is part of letting go of the hurt....but you don't have to like her or let her be a part of your life.

There doesn't have to be shared blood to be "family".
Let your loving friends be your family and your support system.

I wish you all the best in life.

Answer 10

no you sure in heck don't have to forgive abusive parents at all,carry on with your happy life without her.she will be the one who misses out on your future should you get married and raise a family,she will be the one who will feel sorry then.