2007-02-17 08:04:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
This is a topical best joke..........
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
> Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all
> those clocks?"
>
> St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
> Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."
>
> "Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"
>
> "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
> moved, indicating that she never told a lie."
> "Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
>
> St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
> moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
> life."
>
> "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.
>
> "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
2007-02-22 06:10:10 · answer #1 · answered by just me 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Theres a lion, a bear and a chicken all sat around having a drink. They start to talk about who is the scariest.
'Im scariest, I roar and the jungle trembles' said the lion
No, Im scariest, I growl and the forest trembles' said the bear
'You think thats scary?' said the chicken 'I cough and the whole world sh!ts itself!'
Dopey and the other seven dwarves are meeting the Pope at the Vatican. Dopey sidles up to the Pope and says, 'Excuse me, Your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?' The Pope thinks for a minute and then says 'No Dopey, I dont think there are.'
Dopey shuffles from one foot to another 'Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole of Europe?' Again the Pope shakes his head.
Desperately now, Dopey asks 'Are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?' 'Im sorry Dopey, but the answer is no.' says the Pope 'Why are you so concerned about this issue anyway?'
Shamefaced, Dopey points to the other six dwarves who are huddled in the corner, splitting their sides with laughter and chanting 'Dopey shagged a penguin'
2007-02-17 16:27:19 · answer #2 · answered by fallenangel 4 · 3⤊ 0⤋
A tribal warrior was walking thru the jungle with his wife, when he got the urge to give her a portion, he said to her “ I wanna take you now”.
“not here” she replied, “the grass is to long, I may be bitten by a snake or something, find a clearing and you can have as much as you like”.
He leads her thru the jungle and comes to a clearing, it’s about a 100 metres wide, but runs for miles in each direction. In the middle is a train track.
He takes her over to the track, bends her over (doggy style) and starts giving her a good rumpin.
In the distance he hears a train whistle “PEEP PEEP”, so he starts pumping a bit faster.
He looks round and see’s the train approaching down the tracks, so he pumps even faster.
The driver is looking out of the window and see’s an obstruction on the line, and blows his whistle again “peep peep”, but it doesn’t move, so he applies the breaks, and stops the train.
He jumps down, and walks round the front of the engine, and see’s the warrior and his wife banging away.
“Oi” he shouts, “get of the track”.
He gets no reply, so he walks over and asks “why didn’t you get off the track?”
The warrior reply’s “there’s 3 reasons, 1st reason – she’s coming, 2nd reason –I’m coming, 3rd reason – your coming, n you the only one with brakes”.
2007-02-17 16:12:52 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 2⤋
There is a 5 year old and a 3 year old.They r playing in their room and the 5 yr old says i think we should say bad words.So she tells her brother to say f*** when we go downstairs so they go and their mother asks what do u want 4 breakfest so the 5 yr old says, i want some yummy*** cheerios.And her mother slaps her across the table, so then she asks what do U want 4 breakfest?So he says I know I don't want ****ing Cheerios!
2007-02-22 20:22:04 · answer #4 · answered by ♠Jenny♠ 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Yahoo answers!!!! is the biggest joke at the moment getting violation notices for no apparent reason
2007-02-21 10:27:29 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I can’t decide!
A couple had three children. Two of them were bright, smart, and handsome but the third child was dull, ugly, and backward. One day the hubby got suspicious and asked, "Tell me the truth, dear. Is this third child really mine?"
"Yes, dear," replied the wife, "but the other two are not."
Or this one:
One day a little girl came running into her house yelling, "Mummy, I got a dollar!" The mother was curious, so she asked her daughter where she got the dollar from. The little girl replied, ''Billy next door gave me it for touching my toes twenty times." The mother told her child, "You silly girl! Don't you know that Billy is just trying to look up your dress?" ''Ohhh,'' said the little girl.
The next day the little girl came running into the house yelling, "Mummy, I got five dollars. The mother asked, "Where did you get five dollars?” The little girl replied, "Billy next door gave it to me for doing hand stands while he watched me from the tree house in his garden." The mother replied, "You silly girl! Don't you know that Billy is just trying to see your panties?" ''Ohhh,'' said the little girl.
The following day the little girl came running into the house again, yelling, "Mummy, I got ten dollars today! The mother was shocked and asked "Where on earth did you get ten dollars?" The little girl replied, "Billy invited all his friends round and they gave me ten dollars for doing cartwheels while they watched me from his tree house ." The mother replied, "You silly girl! How many times do I have to tell you-"
Before the mother could finish, the little girl said, ''Wait Mummy. I tricked them, I didn't wear my panties today!''
2007-02-17 16:21:49 · answer #6 · answered by thesiphone 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Why did the chewing gum cross the road???
Cos it was stuck to the chickens foot!!!!
Best joke ever.
2007-02-17 17:11:23 · answer #7 · answered by Tooly 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Jeremy Beadle has a small **** but with the other hand its big. !
Why is sex like a card game???
Cos if you haven't got a good partner, you need 2 have a fu,,c.kin good hand !
Sex is like a maths test.......
me plus you......
Subtract the clothes....
add the bed.....
divide the legs......
and miltiply the orgasms.....
Fancy a maths test?????
A girl asks her mum
"wots a co ck"
Mum says "it's the big that hangs between a mans legs"
girl asks "wots a c, u nt??"
mum says "thats the rest of him"
A guy wakes up at 5 in the morning and ask his wife
"Any chance of a *******??"
she replyies " **** it into a glass I'll drink it in the monring"
Whats worse than a cardboard box?
Paper ****...........LOL
Why do brides smile as they walk down the aisle?
They know they have finally given their last *******
What do you call a bloke with a one inch dick?
Justin
Why don't pigmys wear tampons?
'cos they trip over the strings
What's the ultimate in rejection?
Having a **** and your hand goes to sleep
How do you know when you're getting good head?
When the sheets are being sucked up your ****
Why is it difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive and good-looking?
They've all got boyfriends already
How do you know that you have a high sperm count?
Your girlfriend chews before she swallows
Why are pubic hairs curly?
So they don't poke you in the eye
Whats the definition of a blond?
A red head with the fire fucked out of her
What's the difference between oral and rectal thermometers?
The taste
Whats flat and smells of *****?
Stick your tongue out
What did one lesbian frog say to the other?
They're right you know we do taste of chicken
One woman to another- Does your arsehole fart after sex?
No he just roles over and goes to sleep
2007-02-17 17:05:21 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 5⤋
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?' Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis? '
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about Viagra?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob says to the pharmacist: 'We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please.'
2007-02-22 17:31:40 · answer #9 · answered by Jumana 4 · 0⤊ 1⤋
A cat ran into a dog...Meowch!..kind of
2007-02-17 16:09:17 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋