My daughter was born 3 months early and is somewhat slow, not retarded but has a hard time understanding things. Her bio father was never there 4 me. He left me when I was 4 months pregnant, got someone else pregnant and married her. I have not seen him 4 almost 19 years. I know I was wrong 2 not tell her sooner but she doesn't talk about anything and I just could NOT figure out how 2 bring up a subject like that to her. Well my mom accidentally said something 2 make her realize that my husband (who has been here since she was 2 months old) is not her real father and I think she is devasted. I am REALLY worried about her. She is staying with my sister out of town right now and was when she found out about this so I had to go over the whole long story with her online. She said she's not mad she just wished we would have told her sooner...any suggestions of how I can help her deal with it. Have already told her we will back her with any decisions she makes but I still feel horrible
2007-02-17 07:23:41 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Need to add that my mother is 79 years old and did not mean for this to come out. She didn't say what she said knowing my daughter would realize the truth...she is not mean or bad, they was talking about dates and that is how it come about. My mother favors this daughter so it was by no means meant to be done!!!!!!!!!!
I also want to state I have told her that a loving person is what makes a father and all that...I'm just real worried she will go through the "he didn't want me" and that will make it worse, she is very insecure anyway
2007-02-17 07:58:35 · update #1
Also might add for those that don't know better, I did not want to discuss this online but she is out of town and when she asked me about it we were talking online so I had no choice but to talk to her about it online..I did talk to her on the phone later but at first it had to be online or not at all
2007-02-17 08:35:48 · update #2
Tell your daughter that a father doesn't have to be a biological father. If your husband has been there for her and you since she was 2 months old then he is her father. Yes you and your husband should have told her sooner, but it's good she knows know. She should still be able to look at your husband as her father. I hope this all helps and good luck.
2007-02-17 07:42:02 · answer #1 · answered by Jaime A 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Online is not a good way to sort this out. You need to talk on the phone at the very least. Help her to have the point of view that if she had never been told, it would never have made a difference because of the love.
It is just a shock. Dwell on the fact that the love and that he was there for the both of you is want makes a father.
2007-02-17 07:31:03 · answer #2 · answered by justbeingher 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I was/am in the same situation as your daughter, my mother married the man I call daddy when I was 2. I found out when I was 8 or 9 that he wasn't my 'real' daddy. Because they kept it from me and tried to avoid me finding out, I thought it was a really
bad thing. I became very angry and hurt and acted out because I believed that I wasn't being treated differently because I wasn't his real daughter. This caused many many years of misunderstandings and bad feelings between me and my mom and my dad. My advice is this, not you but your husband should go to her and let her know how very much he loves her and that she has always been and always will be his little girl and he is her daddy. If my father had done that, my life would have been so very different. Don't make the same mistake my parents made.
2007-02-17 08:11:47 · answer #3 · answered by CindyH 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Aww, well, something of this magnitude shouldn't have been done on-line. Maybe you could sit down with her face to face and tell her what really happened as facial expressions and someones tone of voice carries a lot of weight.
Not anyone can be a father and seems as though your husband did the best he can and loved her as his own. She probably just needs time to adjust to this whole thing so give her some space and some time to process. Don't constantly ask her if she's ok and keep apologizing, she'll come to you eventually and will understand why you did what you did.
2007-02-17 07:36:09 · answer #4 · answered by mauinei34 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is something that she will have to sort out on her own. The best way for her to do that is to have as much information at her disposal. So be prepared to answer all of her questions, & be as forthright as possible. (As I am sure you have already been)
I also suspect that the day will come that she will want to contact her bio-dad. I recommend that anything you tell her about him isn't flavoured with your own tainted impression of the guy.
Plus try not to be too insulted if she comes back after a 1st meeting with him with tales of how wonderful he is.
That type of thing happens sometimes, & after all 19 yrs is a long time. He may have grown as a man by now, & might take on a positive role in her life.
On the other hand he could be the same man you knew 19 years ago. Allow her the chance to find out for herself if she wants it, & then be prepared to support her through the roller coaster ride that she might be in for.
Meanwhile I suspect that what she needs most right now is TIME to sort out this latest bit of news, & how she wants to deal with it.
2007-02-17 07:39:23 · answer #5 · answered by No More 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
yeah that is a sticky situation...sorry that happened to you...however, you should have told her something much sooner....You should have planed away to tell her about this mess...now she found out by your mother whom i will say was also in the wrong for bring it up.....Your mother had no biz getting involved at all....when your daughter comes home take her out for lunch dinner or whatever just you and her and explain the whole situation and why you felt the need to not tell her...also make sure you through in the good of the person who she thought to be her father...How he has been there for her and how much he loves her....If she feels the need to see her real dad make a point to try and help her do this...it will only help her mentally with all her questions about the jerk who didn't care about her...good luck to you and your daughter...
2007-02-17 07:33:19 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is a real sticky situation. I hope all is mended between you and her soon. She may not be that upset as you might think, just maybe a little confused and trying to put the pieces together.
She may realize you did it out of protection and love, let her know you love her. Im sure she will continue her relationship with your husband as he was her Dad, afterall he was there for her.
2007-02-17 07:35:35 · answer #7 · answered by Rayne F 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
regrettably it is not going to be basic... He fathered a toddler with somebody else and wasn't instructed. specific, it is totally confusing to handle something like that now. So how long has she properly-known approximately her actual dad? If she needs a dating together with her organic and organic father and see him as one, you do not have any suitable to inform her which you're in basic terms nuclear family contributors. So what have been the consequence of the DNA try?
2016-09-29 06:01:21 · answer #8 · answered by fryback 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This is not a conversation you should have online. She needs reassurance by your physical presence that you're still a family... You and your husband should go to her immediately... respect her right to determine what she's comfortable with... but let her know you're still her parents, DNA or not!
2007-02-17 07:45:36 · answer #9 · answered by Amy S 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Have your sis and you (forget your dumb mom) repeat over and over, your father is the person who has loved you not the person who helped make you. This is what matters most, in my heart he has always been your father and just give it time, she will see it eventually.
2007-02-17 07:30:32 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋