anyone know any good story-jokes??

Answer 1

A man finds a lamp and decides to rub the dust off. Then, you guessed it, a Genie appears. The Genie tells the man he will grant him three wishes, but everything the man gets, his mother-in-law gets twice.

The man's first wish is for 10 million dollars. The Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get 20 million dollars.

The man says, "that's ok."

The man's next wish is for a house by the sea.

Once again, the Genie reminds the man that his mother-in-law will get two houses by the sea; once again, the man says, "that's okay."

The man's last wish is to be beaten half to death!


Heaven was filling up, so God decided to only let people in who had really horrible deaths.

The first guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The man began his story.

"Well, I found out my wife was having an affair, so I tried to kill the guy. I found him outside a window of a five story building hanging on to the ledge by his hands. I hit his hands with a hammer and he fell off of the building. When he hit the ground he still didn't die, so I threw a refrigerator on him and he died. And after all of that, I died of a heart attack.

"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" so he let him through the gate.

The next guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The guy began his story.

"Well I was working out in the hallway when I slipped and fell down the stairs and fell out the window. I managed to grab the window ledge but some guy hit my hands with a hammer so I fell off the building. I landed in a bush so I was okay, but then the guy threw a fridge on me!

"Okay" God said, "I guess your death was bad enough" and he let him through the gate.

Then a third guy came in and God asked him how he died.

The guy began his story.

"You aren't going to believe this" he said, "but i was hiding in a refridgerator...



The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!



Wilma and her husband Barney go to church every Sunday, and during the service Barney falls asleep.

One afternoon Wilma goes to the priest and asks what she can do. The priest hands her a needle and tells her to prick him with it everytime he falls asleep.

The next week at church Barney falls asleep while the priest is talking and when the priest asks who is our savior? Wilma pokes him with the needle and he yells out JESUS!!

Soon after that he goes back to sleep. The next question the priest asks is: Who is Jesus's Father? Wilma pokes him with the needle and Barney yells out GOD!!and goes back to sleep.

The last question the priest asks is what did Eve say to Adam after he impregnated her for the 99th time? Wilma pricks him with the needle again and he yells: IF YOU STICK THAT DAMN THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME I'LL SNAP IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ***!!



A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.

Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ***.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ***.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T"
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me."
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry."
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.



An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.
During one Sunday's sermon he told them, "If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!"

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."
From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned. "You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!"

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said -
"I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!"



One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.

Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled, "father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward"!

The minister was awe struck by what he just heard. "My boy, he said, you just witnessed a miracle from God! Where's this man now?"

The Choirboy replies...
"flat on his face in front of the holy water fountain"!



A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget"!



A man went into a store and began looking around. He saw a washer and dryer, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the sales person "How much are the washer and dryer?"

"Five dollars for both of them," the salesman said.
"Yeah right, you've got to be kidding me!" the man replied sarcastically.
"No, that's the price," the salesman said, "Do you want to buy them or not?"
"Yeah, I'll take them!" the customer responded.

He continued to look around and saw a car stereo system with a detachable face cassette player, a CD changer, amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. "How much?" he asked.

"Five dollars for the system," the salesman answered.
"Is it stolen?" the guy asks.
"No," said the salesman, "It's brand new, do you want it or not?"
"Sure," the customer replied. He looked around some more.

Next he found a top of the line computer with printer and monitor. "How much?"
"Five dollars," was the familiar response.
"I'll take that too!" the man said.

As the salesperson is ringing up the purchases, the man asked him,
"Why are your prices so cheap?"

The salesman said, "Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.
What he's doing to her, I'm doing to his business!"



A preacher was giving a sermon to a full church when all of a sudden the devil appeared. He was menacing and threatening and the entire congregation started to flee the church except for one old man.

When the church was empty the devil went up to the man and asked "aren't you afraid of me, I'm evil incarnate, the most horrific being in the universe and will most likely torture you!"

The man replied "You don't scare me, I've been married to your sister for 35 years".


A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as President Clinton appeared on the television. After a few sips, he looked up at the television and mumbled, "Now, there's the biggest horse's *** I've ever seen." A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and decked him.

A few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the television. "She's a horse's *** too," the man. This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him, and knocked him off his stool. "Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar. "This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"



Bill Gates died in a car accident. He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision." "Fine, but where should I go first?" God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you." Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.

It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased. "This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!" "Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God. "Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God says, "That was the screen saver".



A man was walking in the woods and came to a cottage where the walls were covered with clocks. He asked the woman who owned the cottage what all the clocks were for. She replied that everyone in the world had a clock, and every time you told a lie your clock advanced a second. He saw a clock that was hardly moving and when he remarked about it he was told that it was Mother Theresa's. He then asked where Bill Clinton's clock was. The woman replied "It's in the kitchen, we're using it as a ceiling fan."


One day three midgets decided they wanted to be in the record books the fist one says "I have pretty short arms", so he goes and succeeds. The second one says "I have pretty short legs," so he goes and succeeds. The third one says "I have a very small penis," and when he comes back he says "Who the hell is Leonardo DiCaprio?"



Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie Mouse. Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f***ing goofy!"

Answer 2

Five guys were on a plane...a kid, a preacher, a doctor, the captain, and a lawyer. The captain came on the P.A. system and says "Mayday, Mayday! We're going down and there is only four vests on the plane. You guys decide who's staying but I'm jumping now!!!" The doctor says "I've saved lives my whole life so I think that I should get one," so the doctor jumps. The lawyer says "I'm the smartest man in the world. I've solved over nine dozen cases so I'm jumpin' bye!" So the preacher goes up to the kid and says "I've lived a long and happy life and I know I'm going to heaven, so you take the last vest and go." The kid says "No, you grab this one and I'll grab the other one because the smartest man in the world just jumped with my book bag!!!!"


There once was a pirate who had a peg leg, a hook on his left hand, and a patch on his left eye. One day this pirate walked into a pub and sat down at the table beside a cabin boy. The cabin boy looks at him and said, "Hey mate, what happened to your leg, sir?" The pirate looked at him and said "AYE, I was leaning over to clean the side of me boat when I FELL into the water and a shark tore it off!" The cabin boy took a sip of his drink and looked back at the pirate's gleaming silver hook and said "Gee sir that sounds terrible, but what I would really like to know is what happened to yer hand?" The Pirate looked at him and looked back at his mug of ale and said," Aye, I was boarding another ship when some scaly landlubber cut it off with a razor sharp blade!"

Then the cabin boy looked at the pirates eye patch and asked, "Excuse me sir, but just one more question, what happened to your eye, I must know, oh please tell me?" The Pirate look kind of annoyed but answered anyway, he said, "It happened a long time ago when a seagull pooped in me eye and I tried to rub it out with me hook!"



A blonde was a little low on money, so she decided to hire herself out as a handyman. She went into this rich neighborhood, and went up to a house. She knocked at the door and a man answered the door. "May I help you?" "Yes I am a handyman, and I was wondering if you needed any work done around your yard." "As a matter of fact I do, I need my porch painted. How much will you charge?", the man asked. "How about $50?" the blonde said. "Okay, the paint, ladders, and everything else that you will need is in the shed." The blonde went to work.

The man went into his house and his wife said "Does she know that it is a wrap-around porch?" "She should, she was standing on it", the man replied. About 30 minutes later the blonde went up to the house. "Done already?" the man asked. "Yes and I had some extra paint, so I put two coats on." The blonde replied. "Great!" the man replied and handed her the $50. The blonde was walking to her car when she turned around and said "Oh, and by the way, it's a ferrari, not a porsche. "

How many elephants can you fit into a little pink car?
5...2 in the front, 2 in the back and 1 in the trunk.

How do you know an elephant has been in the fridge?
There is a footprint in the butter.

How do you know 2 elephants have been in the fridge?
There are 2 footprints in the butter.

How do you know 3 elephants have been in the fridge?
There are 3 footprints in the butter.

How do you know 4 elephants have been in the fridge?
There are 4 footprints in the butter.

How do you know 5 elephants have been in the fridge?
There is a little pink car out front.


A chicken walks into a book store and says, "Book book book book book book." The person at the desk hands a book to the chicken and the chicken walks out. The next day the chicken walks into the book store again and says, "Book book book book book book." The person at the desk hands a book to the chicken and the chicken walks out. The same thing happens over and over and over through the week. The person at the desk starts to wonder what the chicken is doing with the books and he finally decides to follow the chicken next time. The next day the chicken walks into the store and says, "Book book book book book book." The guy behind the desk hands the chicken a book and the chicken walks out. The man follows the chicken into a forest with a long twisty path, after walking for a while the man comes to a pond and he sees the chicken and a frog. The chicken drops the book and says, "Book book book book book book." Then the frog says, "Read it, read it."


A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any grapes?" and the bartender says "No we don't sell grapes!". So the next day the duck comes back and says "Got any grapes?" and the bartender says "No we don't sell grapes, and the next time you come in here for grapes I'm going to nail your feet to the ground!!" So the next day the duck comes back and says "Got any nails?" and the bartender says "No, we don't sell nails" so the duck says "Got any hammers?" and the bartender says "No we don't sell hammers!" So the duck says "Got any grapes?"

Answer 3

I have two jokes.

Once a snail went to a car dealer he wanted a car to buy. He picked a red mazda and asked for an S to be painted on the cars side.
The car dealer got the car ready and asked the snail why he wanted the car this way. To this the snail replied that" When I drive on the road i want people to say , "look at that S-car go (es-car-got.!!

My second one is about a man named simpleton who was kind of stupid.

Once a blind man came to simple ton asking for some money. So Simpleton said " first prove your blind then ill give you some money". Sop the blind guy said " see that tree over there"? Simpleton said yes. the blind man then said well I cant. Simpleton replied " you poor man! HAve this coin!

LOL[[::

Answer 4

A New Yorker, a Frenchman and an Englishman are hunting in the wilderness in post-Revolutionary War New York State. They all get ambushed by Mohawk Indians and are out of ammunition. They are captured and the chief of the Mohawks says to them: "you are all going to die and your skin used to make tepee covers, but I will allow you the honor of choosing the method". The Frenchman says:"give me poison so I go quick and painlessly," and he says "Viva la France" and takes the poison. The Englishman is repulsed by the French coward and says:"For England I will shoot myself" and he takes a pistol, says "God save the Queen" and shoots himself in the chest. The New Yorker says, "Give me a fork and ask no more!" The chief hands him a fork and he begins stabbing himself in the stomach fast and hard. The chief asks: "Stop! I only want to know why you choose this method when others have chosen quicker deaths?" The New Yorker looks at the Indian chief and says: "Good luck keeping the rain-water out asshole!"

Answer 5

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe, my friend, Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke. So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up. "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about what you're doing to yourself! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the little rabbit. The giraffe and elephant watch in horror, then finally obtain the presence of mind to pull the lion off the rabbit. "Lion," they reprimand, "why’d you do that? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little idiot has me running around the forest like an idiot for hours every time he's on ecstasy!"

Answer 6

My wife and i were sitting on the floor watching t.v. and i told her "if anything happens to me i don't want to be on life support" so she unplugged the t.v. and threw away my beer.