How can I support my wife?

Question

My wife is expecting our 3rd baby in under a week but she is becoming more and more depressed as it gets closer to the birth. We have lost 2 darling daughters previous to this pregnancy and as it was late on in pregnancy my wife had to give birth to them and this is now causing her alot of distress and anxiety. We did ask for a c-section with this baby but it has been refused as they say medically there is no reason for it as baby is healthy and happy but surely my wifes feeling should be considered to? Both my wife and I are concerned about how she will bond with our son as she still so desperately wants our baby daughters here. We have set up memorials for both our angels and my wifes daughter chloe , but I was thinking about making a memorial in our garden at home for them to help my wife with her grief as she feels so guilty about having another baby and worries that others might think she is trying to replace our/her other children. Any suggestions as to what I can do please?

http://baby-donald-our-baby-angel.gonetoosoon.co.uk/

http://paige-donald-our-baby-angel.gonetoosoon.co.uk/
http://chloe-angel.gonetoosoon.co.uk/

thanks for all the replies so far, my wife was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety 5 years ago and this has only got worse. She has tried cbt and counselling but sadly it has not helped.

To the person that said that my wife shouldnt have anymore children and that if they had been through what she has then they would still be smiling, I think that your very in-sensitive and as you havent experienced what my wife has then your in no position to make such a cruel comment like that.

I have been reading through all the answers and the most of them are very kind and supportive. Its appraciated alot from both my wife and I. She is desperate to love this baby and have him here safe and well but is naturally scared because of our/her previous history. We are still considering the memorial garden as my wife thinks it may bring her comfort like the memorial sites do.

Thank you for all the answers, its far to hard for me to pick just one best answer so I will put it to vote.

Answer 1

I dont think its so much what you do, as what she does. Its not natural to continue on with such a severe depression for so long. She needs to get therapy to help her progress THROUGH the grieving period and into her life that includes her beautiful son, and not just staying in that place of grief and misery. While having a memorial would be lovely for her and you, at this point, it might only serve to focus her depression and make it longer lasting.

She needs to seek help for herself, otherwise the child she's about to give birth to will be without the love and attention is needs and the best she has to offer.

Answer 2

This is so touching...all I can say is please God this baby will be ok and that your wife and you and the new baby will slowly but surely be able to move on. All of your energies would be better put into the present and the future...try not to dwell on the past. I do not mean anything disrepectful at all because losing a baby or child of any age must be the hardest thing in the world to have to deal with but if you think of the three children who were not meant for this world are all together and safe, no harm will ever come to them. Your new baby will not want to grow in their shadows, it could lead to them feeling guilty in the future for living and being strong. Remember them always, plant rose bushes or trees for each of them and tenderly care for them but I would not make shrines, they are morbid. Keep an eye on your wife after the baby is born and if she needs medication for a while it will help. You sound a very caring loving husband so I am sure everything will work out fine...I really do hope so. God Bless and take care.

Answer 3

Firstly, tell your wife not to worry about what other people think - anyone who knows you both will have seen what you have been through and would certainly not be thinking anything bad about you - no doubt they will be praying/wishing/hoping for a better outcome for you and your wife

As for the hospital, could finances stretch to a private consultation in a private hospital - it usually cost around £150 but a second opinion may make your wife feel more at ease with the decision - however if the second opinion says you should have a c section - they can refer you to an NHS hospital for the operation.

your wife will never forget your daughters, but do remind her that part of them will live on in your son and no baby is the same (unless identical twins)

I think the garden memorial is a lovely thought - but why not include all the family - maybe plant one plant/flower for each of your family - that way when your wife is feeling low, she can be reminded of the reason life must go on.

Your wife needs lots of love and attention and reassurances that everything will be OK and that while everything is raw now, time is a great healer, you'll never forget but you will have fond memories instead of raw pain!

I hope all goes well!

Answer 4

I'm very sorry for your losses. It's great that you are being concerned about helping your wife. The garden sounds GREAT. I haven't gone through anything like that, the closest was that my 5 month old niece passed from SIDS (my sister's first child) and it is the hardest thing to ever deal with. As far as replacing your angels? No way. ANybody who thinks that, and TELLS you that is very rude!! Why wouldn't you want to try again??? Your angles will carry on through your new blessing. I can see soo much of my niece in my sisters boy and girl now. And it gives you piece of mind. But I do agree with above statements that it would be best for her to seek out some help/and medication. Surely she would go through some post partum depression, even if everything goes picture perfect. I am sure she is overwhelmed with emotions, and with just a week left just be there for her. As far as the C-section goes, I can't imagine why they wouldn't do one for her especially after having lost children! It is a special situation and they should consider that. Maybe have your wife and you try to talk to the doctor again on Monday. Even though you aren't having a girl, when your little boy gtes here she will not care at all about the gender!! And maybe another little girl will come along soon!
Congrats, and I hope everything goes great for you guys.

Answer 5

Oh hin, what an awful thing to go through.

I think by asking this you are doing a great job - share your grief though, so she doesn't feel alone.

Of course she isn't trying to replace her beautiful daughters. She and you both just want, and deserve, a little person to love.

It's a stupid thing to say but try not to let her get too upset as it's not doing her or the baby any good.

I think the memorial garden is a good idea. Also maybe there's a website such as bounty, she could access to talk about her grief in an understanding environment - certainly helped me.

Best of wishes - my heart is with the two of you

Answer 6

I am so sorry to hear that, it must be devastating for you too. Obviously you can't change how your wife feels but there is a few things I would do if you have not already done them.
- Speak to your midwife and explain everything in the past and that you are worried about your wife having pre and post natal depression
- The doctor can put you intouch with ongoing counselling
- If you explain to the doctor your worries he may be able to arrange another scan to put your minds at ease

Although you may already have done all these the most important thing is for you both to support eachother. Even though you are not carrying the baby it doesnt mean that you arent in need of as much support.

There is however a monitor of somesort you can buy in argos and some other places which it straps to mums tummy and you are able to listen to your babies heartbeat. That may be some comfort and help with bonding. Good luck my thought are with you.

Answer 7

I dont think you or her will ever get over the loss of children, I know I wouldnt be able to, as far as caring and loving a baby boy, wait till that baby is home, the maternal in stint will kick in, and feelings of being blessed with another child will not dim the thoughts and memories of the lost children, children are the best thing that parents can have, I married into a family, 2 kids from a previous mar rage, a girl 3 a boy 4, I raised them, without any help or support from the other parent. the thing I didnt realize, having no kids of my own, was the feeling of love and wonder, and being there when they were born, I always loved them, but did`nt know I was missing something, until the girl grew up, got pregnant, (kids don`t seem to merry often anymore, lol) and had my first grandson, The things that were missing from them, werent with my grandson, the realization of what parents feel for their kids is enormous and I had no idea it was so overwhelming, if you were to ask that boy, 12 now, what the best day his grandfather ever had, he will tell you it was the day he was born. give your wife all your support, and love, when that baby comes home, things will be just fine.

Answer 8

I want to begin by saying I am sorry for your loss. When it comes to a grieving mother whether the child was lost before birth or after takes an enormus toll. I feel you and your wife both need to seek someone to talk to- pastor, counselor, or doctor. Until your wife deals with her feelings/anxiety about the loss of your children she may not be able to fully give the new baby all of her attention. The garden sounds like a good idea but not now. Deal with the emotions first or the garden will be a constant slap in the face. As for other people- they will judge you whether they know you or not.

Answer 9

My heart goes out to you and your wife. I'm so sorry for your loss.
It sounds like you both are still grieving for your lost babies. it also sounds like your wife may need some counselling support to help her come to terms with the loss. maybe you could have some to?
Your wife is most likely afraid she is going to lose this baby and can probably only remember the bad experiences of your two lost angels.
No one would ever think you are trying to replace your angels at all. Most should be overjoyed for you both. Tell your wife that you both have to focus on your 'living' healthy baby.
You both have alot of love to give this baby.
I think a memorial set up in the garden may be a good idea. Plant a rosebush and maybe a little plaque so that she can visit it daily.
Some may not agree but you are both grieving and i think will benefit having a memorial.
Could you talk to her GP and midwife about how you and your wife are feeling? I think you should talk to the GP.
I wish you both well

Answer 10

awwwwwwwwwwww geeeez i am so sorry for what you have been through and all i can say is keep your chins up high, your wife has nothing to feel guilty about its a god send that you got a little baby boy on the way i no its hard to carry on without your little angels but now u gotta think of the little boy that you both are bringing in to the world i wish you both happiness and i no you will never ever forget your little angels and if i was you i too would do a memorial in your garden at home so when times are hard for you and your wife you just go to the garden and for sure you will feel alot better hope all go's well with your new arrival take care to the both of you .... vicky ... :)

Answer 11

There is a lot of mixed emotions here ,sad for the little angels that are no longer with you ,and happy for the baby on the way , everyone knows (and it should not matter) 'you can never replace the little ones ' by having another child, they all have their own space in both of your heart's .When her depression lifts and I hope it will soon, your wife will see things differently when she hold her baby, she is reliving the past and hopefully this will change when the baby come's. I have also lost twin's and it is a very diffucult time , there is not much you can do but be there for her , its your loss as well and hopefully the new baby will bring back happiness into your lives again .You might like to let us know in another posting how she is and the baby . best of luck to you both .( and baby)