How to handle a meddling mother in-law who tries to tell you how to raise your child?

Question

My husband & I live together with my mother in-law since we got married 2 years ago. At first everything's ok, but things started to get tense when I got pregnant because she gave me some unnecessary advice on things that I felt was a personal choice. Things got much much worse since the birth of my son. She meddles in about everything she can think of, from how long I should swaddle my baby to how I should cook his solid meal (he's almost 6 months now). The first few months I couldn't stand it and my husband & I had a lot of fights because of her. This past month, though, I think I've learnt how to handle her meddling better, but my husband thinks it wouldn't last because this past month there's something else that's bothering me so much that I didn't really put focus on her behaviour. I have to admit it's true, and I'm afraid once the said situation is resolved, I won't be able to handle her cool-headedly anymore. Unfortunately, she has no life besides her children's life.

Answer 1

You are describing my son in law's mother. When my grandson was born, she said he was "her guardian angel" and "god sent him to give her a purpose in life". Sadly, my daughter could not see this as red flags, that the woman was depending on the baby to fill HER unmet needs (and this was following her attempted suicide). Grandmothers should not NEED their grandchildren to fill a hole in their own life.
After 3 yrs of marriage, my daughter and husband finally moved off the inlaw's property, following escalating control. She completely freaked out, and manuevered her son into thinking my daughter wanted a divorce... and egging him into running with his kids. When he figured out he was in the wrong, she grabbed the kids and ran, then filed false affidavits with the court that she was "protecting" them, to avoid being prosecuted for kidnapping. Unfortunately my son in law is so dependent on them, that he allowed her to get away with it by not testifying, and pressured my daughter into a "voluntary" custody agreement.
The BEST help any mother in law can give, is to allow new parents the space to build their own relationship and family, without attempting to make it into her life. Forcing her views down your throat is not help. The word "meddling" exists for a reason, and calling it "wanting to help" does not excuse it.
Yes.. new wives and mothers need to allow some space for the feelings of their in laws. There is a limit. And I pray your husband cares enough about the welfare of his family to know what that limit is, and enforce it. Marriage means putting his wife and children first. Living in her home puts him in the middle. The longer you stay, the worse it will get.
You are not the first to have this issue. You can do your best to solve it, but without her cooperation, and understanding of the need to respect YOU, it can get real nasty.

Answer 2

I understand how annoying this can be but I have learned from my Mother in Law that it is not meant in a cruel way. She's a new Grandmother, she hasn't had a baby in the house in what?...20 years or more? She is taking on the Mother role again and doesn't realize how she is stepping on your toes and taking away your experience. I really think it is done out of love. Why not let her do specific things for the baby...that will give her a role and keep her out of everything else, maybe. You have to talk to her about this. Calmly and lovingly tell her how much you appreciate what she's done for you, etc, etc. and then tell her that you really want to learn your own way with the baby. Make sure to tell her that if you have any questions, you'll come straight to her. There is a way to work this out without starting a war and ruining your relationship. She may get her feelings hurt a little at first, but better than to not speak to each other anymore. Give it a try. Good Luck!

Answer 3

I TOTALLY DISAGREE WITH E S. I bet E S is either not married, or doesn't have any children, or never lives together with her in-laws, because it's much easier said than done unless you've been in that situation yourself. Just because it's done out of love (obviously since it's her grandchild too) doesn't mean it's right. Every mother has both the responsibility and the right how to raise her own children. It's not about being possessive, it's about wanting to be the best mother you know how without anyone telling you how you can do better. I can understand how you feel, I was in your position years ago and it was totally awful. Sometimes I felt like my mother in-law didn't trust my decisions regarding my children and it made me very angry. But I can tell you that after I moved out of her house, things gradually got better. What you can't see you can't meddle. Good luck.

Answer 4

Let her know that you appreciate how much she wants to help and how devoted she is to your son. Think about where she is coming from. She probably really wants to help, but doesn't quite know how. It sounds like you are making it really hard for her to be a part of things. Why don't you figure out how she can help you and how the 2 of you can work together? I don't know anyone who couldn't use some help. Ask her to fix his meal while you change him? Ask her to swaddle him while you do laundry? etc, etc. The first thing to do is take the word "meddling" out of your vocabulary and try to see it as "helping". I have a feeling if it were someone different like your friend or your mother, you'd be reacting differently. It's nice that she wants to share her experience with you. You don't have to take the advice. I think the focus should be on your behavior, not hers. Quit being possessive of the baby - the more love your baby gets, the better.

Answer 5

Let you mother in law know how you feel, you have to live with her son. So you don't need tension in your home.

Tell her that she is great and you thing she is a great mother, but that you need get the experience that she already had,
That she also was once a new mom, but now its your turn , and you would like her to be in your child life,

But as a grandmother! not a mother because you are the mother, and you and your husband make the decision about how to raise your child.

Let her know how much she mean to you both.

That you love her and you respect her and that you want her to be in your family life,

To respect your choices in the matter of how to raise her grandson, and she have a roll in his life as a grandmother not a mother, becuese you are the mother.

Answer 6

This situation is a recipe for disaster. The only remedy is for you and your husband to move out asap. SHe won't be able to meddle if you don't live with her. Save your marriage and get out now~!

Answer 7

get out and run away from this woman its tough when its just the two of you you dont need a mother in law in the mix. get your financial stuff in order and bolt things will get better after your on your own. been there.