Anyone out there suffering with guilt because they had to?

Question

put their parent into a Nursing Home because they needed 24/7
care?
My mom died 8 years ago now - they treated her really well
but I live with guilt that I could not care for her myself.
Sometimes I find myself thinking I will be glad to go myself
so that I can be with her and she can tell me she didn,t
blame me.

Finding all the support out there a great comfort. Wanted to add that my lovely mom suffered with dementia. And I used
to go with my little girl (18months) every
day to spend time with her although at times it was only for about an hour. Other
family members went too. So she was never a day without visitors. I managed to
bring her home once. That was on Boxing
Day and she a chest infection. My mom
died on the 10th January 1999. And I think
about her every day. I used to look after
my dad and he died before mom. I loved
him as much - but because she was in a home I have found it harder to accept.
PLEASE - I Don,t want anywone else to
feel guilty if they had to have theirs put into a home. THANKS EVERYONE SO FAR.

Answer 1

Oh sweetheart, you need to forgive yourself for making this decision. There are some circumstances when we have to decide what is best for all concerned, and if 24 hour care was necessary, you made the right choice. No one person can give 24 hour care without untold damage to their own well being. Know that you did it for the best, and remember your mother would not want you to beat yourself up and be so depressed. No mother wants that for her child. Be kind to yourself and life will get better. xx

Answer 2

bless you, you were not to blame by any means. You did all you could for your mum and she will have remembered that until the day she sadly died. Your only human and looking after someone is very demanding and hard. My nana has dementia and we as a family struggle to look after her and I am sure that there will come a day that she too will need to go into a nursing home. Dont wish your life away your mum will be watching you from above and she wouldnt want that. See about counselling if your feeling really low and need some guidance. If it may help why not set up an online memorial for your mum at www.gonetosoon.co.uk, you can leave tributes for your mum on her own site and light candles in her memory which might help you feel close to her again. all the best. take care

Answer 3

How about if you had done the 24/7 and then felt resentment for the life you never had. I did look after mine for years right up till I was in my 60`s.with no help. Yes I did feel resentment and I also became depressed. I was between the rock and the hard place, as I had a husband and children, who put their life on hold. Now I live life to the full and only hope my children will never have to make this descision. Don`t worry about what should have been or not. You did what was right at the time. I`m sure if she could talk to you now all she would say was thank-you for caring.You did your best.....God bless.xxx

Answer 4

Think of it this way if you hadn't put her in a home she would have probably died earlier because you and her would have been at blows!!

You kept your sanity and put her in a home so you could spend quality time with her when you could. Stop feeling guilty you did the right thing. You probably have the guilt because you feel it was your duty to look after her.
Children are not brought into this world to look after their parents. I firmly believe that. Children grow up and have their own issues and problems and more often than not have their own families to consider themselves.
Stop feeling guilty I am sure that your mum had a nice time in the home and made some new friends in her time there.

Take care and enjoy your life. Thats what your mum would have wanted. Don't think she would want you to be feeling guilty if she was a good mum to you.

Answer 5

We all have times in our lives where we call on others to support us. That is what you did.
There is no way that one person can give another care 24/7 for more than a day or two.
I would suggest that by worrying about this for 8 years that you are a caring person. Time to let go, stop worrying you did what was best.

Answer 6

Try to set the self pity aside and ask yourself this "What else could I have done?" Ignore my life and wait on her hand and foot?
We all need help from time to time, especially when it comes to adult care. Even if you had decided her life was more important than yours; took her in and cared for her 24 hours a day; unless you're a registered Nurse, there would have been situations that arose that you just would not have been qualified to take care of.
You miss your mother; but you did your best. Don't beat yourself up for it. After all. would it have allowed her to live any longer? Most likely, not.
You've now got to get on with YOUR life.

Answer 7

as long as you did not put her in there and leave her there you are good. If you went to see your mother then you should not feel guilty about anything. you have a life yo live and I believe your mother would understand that. But you have to deal with this because it is not good on you. thinking the way you have been thinking is only going to make you do something that you are going to regret later in life. Try counseling and see where that goes because it sounds like you have some issues that have been buried deep down inside and it is starting to eat at you. Good luck

Answer 8

don't talk silly,it seems to me that you did all you could to help your poor mother,at least in the nursing home she got all the attention that she needed 24/7,if she fell ill at any time day or night there would have been a trained nurse on hand to help her and a local doctor on call,expert nutritionists woul have fed her.We had the same problem with my mother in law,thank God that these homes exist, she got 100% care from caring people,you have nothing to feel remorse for,she ended her days in comfort and warmth.

Answer 9

You did what you felt was best, the hell with what everyone else thinks. Was there ever a time your Mom complained, your heart is all that matters, leave those that judge to do that, because that is all that they can do, did they step in to assist you when you needed it, let them judge, because in judging they show who and what they are. God Bless.

Answer 10

HONEY DO NOT FEEL GUILTY I TOOK CARE OF MY DAD FOR 10 YEARS CUZ I DID NOT WABT THAT GUILT AND QUESS WHAT THERE IS A DIFFERENT KIND OF GUILT NOW SHOULD I HAVE PUT HIM IN LONG TERM CARE FOR 24/7 THE DUILT IS NONSENSE SO DUMP IT AND GET ON WITH LIFE YOUR MOM FORGIVES YOU AND DOES NOT BLAME YOU AT ALL SHE IS IN A BETTER PLACE TRUST ME GOD AND PARDISE IS AWESOME WE ALL GO AT DIFFERENT TIMES LIVE LFE YOUR MOMS WANTS YOU TO LIVE SO LIVE AND FORGET THE GUILT