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I am 35, the eldest among 4(2 sis.,married andbro.studying abroad).My mother was diagonised with arare and aggressive cancer last month. Docs. have given her very litle time to live.Since then we are all shocked & shattered and having a tough time.As Iam the eldest, I am told to be brave and not cry so that I can take care of my sis.and bro.I am finding it very hard to hold my tears in front of my parents, sis. and bro.This situation mixed with a feeling of helplessnes towards my mom,and the pityness which people are showing is making me irritable and dipressed.I have a family with 2 kids,and they become the target of my irritation.How do cope with this situation.Right now I am very scared and tensed with my mom's issue.We are finding it difficult to control our dad, who cries like a kid.He wants my bro.(only son) to come back but he it will take him 2 yrs to come back.(He has own reasons)He will not be here when we need him the most.In all such situation what do I do? Please help

2007-02-16 21:02:59 · 4 answers · asked by Amit J 1 in Health Mental Health

4 answers

being the eldest people naturally assume you have to be bullet proof and an example for the your siblings. don't believe the hype...it's a big responsibility being someones everything, so don't even try. express your fear and sorrow...let the tears flow and then find a support group for people with cancer and their families. get the counseling and the facts and take each day as it comes.

your dad probably wants your brother because he is the only other male with a close connection to your mom. your dad may feel that another man, with a vested interest in the situation can better understand his fears, fustration and grief. lay off your kids they don't deserve it...if they are old enough, explain what is happening...but don't stress her impending death, keep the faith till the worst happens at least for the kids. the expectation that we will all die in the end, is sometimes severely impacted, when we have a progressive medical condition like cancer to deal with.

do not if possible, resent your brother's expected absence...if your siblings are close he will be there in spirit. get the counseling and use the resources of the american cancer society. as the eldest (i am too), parents, siblings and others tend to expect us to be above it all...it ain't so. lean on and support each other...you're not an only child and the burden of support should not be solely yours to bear. but if it is or you feel that way then get some help. take a break and vent to another adult or better yet keep a computer journal...it's freeing and you can refer back to it later.

give your kids extra hugs and quality time...they feel your tensions. sorry for your dilema and i send a great big hug...i know this is not easy, but you will survive this. be a little selfish and think about your good and bad times with your 1/4 of your mother. it sounds crazy but it helps to think about the interaction between just you two. good luck and you are in my prayers.

2007-02-16 22:27:51 · answer #1 · answered by formerlylunesta@yahoo.com 4 · 0 0

Wow, you really have a tough situation to deal with , don't you? Let me first tell you that you are not alone. There a lot of people who will pray for your mom, you & your entire family. Before you can be any good for mom, you need to take control of yourself If you are an emotional wreck or worse make yourself ill from all the worry, you won't be any help to anyone. So the first piece of advice I give you is to talk to your mom's Dr about a cancer support group. Most major hospitals have them & you will meet people just like you, with whom you can share your fears & concerns. It might not be a bad idea to get the entire family involved. You & your siblings need to find a way to come together & support each other. It's unfair to place this heavy burden solely on you just because you are the eldest. They are not children anymore. Everyone has a responsibility in this family crisis & that is to come together & find a way to help mom & dad deal with this. Also I would suggest, talking to a minister or a priest for some one on one counselling. If you don't have one of these in mind, you can talk to the moderators of the cancers support group & they can suggest either pastoral care of the hospital or a counsellor. This is just to keep your sanity in all of this. Through all this tragedy you still have a husband & children who need you. Do you have a best friend you can reach out to? You need someone to keep you grounded. And don't let your siblings off the hook . You are only one person & can only do so much. One of my favorite sayings which you might want to share with them if they aren't willing to help is, "We only do what's important to us at the time." I will keep you & your family in my prayers. And hug your mom & dad real tight & tell them you love them.

2007-02-16 21:33:57 · answer #2 · answered by Sandi Beach 4 · 0 0

Let your tears out when they need to come out. No one said you have to be the strong one in this situation. This is your mother. She's also a mother to your siblings, and a wife to your dad. Holding in your intense emotions won't help you at this time in your life. Release your emotions about your mom to someone who will care for you. Once you take care of yourself first, then you'll be a better help to your family. Explain to your kids how upset you are that grandma's dying. It's unfortunate your brother can't be there. I think you need support for you right now. Find a way to get support for you.

With love, daughter_helping

2007-02-16 21:13:50 · answer #3 · answered by daughter_helping 3 · 0 0

I'm terribly sorry for what you are going through right now. Just express y Trust me, ourself and let it all out- cyr, scream, yell, kick, punch- do whatever you like to express how you feel. Do it b/c you want to or have to, not b/c you can't. Expressing yourself is a good thing. If you don't express your feelings, it will stay up bottled inside you and build a great amt. of pressure on you until you can't bear it anymore. You will feel good in the end!

2007-02-16 22:25:45 · answer #4 · answered by cmm 3 · 0 0

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