I'm really confused, I've been thinking of putting my baby up for adoption, what would your advice be?

Question

Ok, so me and my bf of 7 years just broke up about 2 weeks ago. We was moving out of state but he moved first with his dad because of a job and I didn't want to transfer Dr.s because I was already comfortable with the ones I have. We got together young. We are now 22 and 23. Got engaged before the baby...Now, he left and I'm here alone to bear all this weight. I want my baby to have a mom and dad and I brought the issue of adoption up and he flipped out. We both came from broken homes. I had to watch my mom struggle with me for so many years because my dad left her when she was pregnant with me. I DON'T want to give up my baby but I am trying to think of what is best for him. I hope that my ex will come around and we will get back together. I am just really scared of being a single mom and not sure that I will be able to provide for a child like I would be able to do if he would have a mother and a father. I hated not having a dad in my life. He says that he will be in our sons' life.

But how can he living almost 2000 miles away? He has no family here, He just moved here because of me. Maybe he is just overwhelmed and ran to his family? I am not using the issue of adoption to force him back into our lives. I talked to his sister and her friend gave up her kid because of the same reason. Terrified that the kid would miss out. Any advice would be welcomed! Thanks!

Answer 1

Dear Angel,

Years ago, due to many problems, I was forced to give custody of my son to another couple. ( I'm male, not female ) My sons mother physically abused my son, and he was taken from her. I was in law enforcement and worked extremely odd hours, and I was also in financial difficulty. So at the time, I deemed it best to give him to a good family.

A child needs stability, two parents who care, and an environment that is not unstable. If a parent cannot provide that, it certainly affects the child.

I cannot make this decision for you, Angel. I wish it was that easy. On one hand, I know that my son is well cared for, and has a stable home, and that is what every parent wants. On the other hand, I have taken verbal abuse from so many people who have chastized me for giving him up. You see, they were not in my shoes, and neither are they in yours. Many people will tell you that they would "never" give up their child. But you see, they are not in your position, so how could they know? A parent, when they really care, are going to make the hard choices sometimes in life if it means something being in the best interests of your children. It's easy to armchair quarterback when it isn't happening to them.

You need to weigh out this decision. Can you live on without this child in your life? Will you be more responsible the next time? You needn't bring more children into the world and be placed right back in the same situation again. Will you accept the decision that you made? Even down the road?

As for this man, I think he abandoned you. To dream of "getting back together" is just that, a dream. You have to face what is real, not what is imaginary.

I surely sympathize with you, but out of personal experience, do not envy you for the decision you are thinking of making. I can only ask that you do what is best in the interest of that child. That is the important thing. Put yourself next in line.

Best wishes.

Answer 2

Do what is best for both you and your child. I was put up for adoption, and I am so glad I was. I have an absolutely wonderful family, I am extremely close to both my parents, and the only thing that ever concerns me is that I don't know my family health history. Now you can have open adoptions, so you can choose how much involvement you want to have.
If you feel you can care for a child, and there is someone around that can give her a strong male influence (not to replace her Dad, but just so she knows how a good man is supposed to treat a woman etc etc), and not feel as if you have lost your freedom, than maybe you should consider keeping your child. Children are the best blessings ever, and it will be extremely emotional to put your child up for adoption.

I guess I didn't give you an answer either way, but that is because it is so personal. Only you know if you can handle it and if it is the best thing for your baby. People are gonna yell at me for saying this, but if you are truly a loving mom, you will decide based on what is best for your child, and give little consideration to your own feelings. So if you think that you will be a good mother at this time of your life until the end of your life, keep your baby. If you aren't sure, or if you would rather wait, give your baby to a family that is ready and stable, and work out with them how involved you want to be in the child's life.

I hope you come to a decision that is a great choice for you and your child!


P.S. Usually abuse in adoptive homes occur when the child is adopted much older, not while the child is a newborn. If the child is adopted to a family as an infant (and especially if you pick the family), there is about equal chance that the family would be abusing the child as there is of your babysitter or her father or a future bf of yours abusing the baby. Adoption is misconstrued by a lot of people.

Answer 3

First off you were probably so happy when you found out you were pregnant and when the two of you were together and you had no plans on adoption until he left. You can say that is not the reason but you know it is.

It will take your boyfriend to sign the adoption papers too you know. If he doesn't want to then what are you going to do? Give it to him and his family since you don't want it?
You really should have thought about this before you had sex without using birth control. Pregnancy will not hold a man to you. Having so many kids will not keep a man with you. If you want to have a kid then have it and keep it & do the best you can. You can get a job, get foodstamps and child support and if not welfare.
Just think of how many people that are divorced and the dad or the mom isn't around does that mean they should give away their kid(s) cause their not around? NO

So if you two get back together are you going to ADOPT the baby out still yet?
Cause if not your only plotting and planning on how to get him to come back to you and you should really start being strong and make a life of your own with your creation that you help make.

Answer 4

I can understand you being scared and I think it's great that you want what is best for your baby. You don't have to give the baby up though. I suggest you seel legal counsel and file for child support. The thing about kids is they don't really NEED the "perfect family" The ideal "mother father 2.5 kids (I have problems with that half a kid thing though). Anyway, all a child needs to grow up happy is a loving supportive home. There are all kinds of families some with one parent some with parents of the same sex. Some with granparents raising their grand kids, some with aunts and uncles raising the children. Some include close friends. A family is a group of people bound together by love...not blood, so in essence you're not really a single parent if you have people around to love and support this child. I understand you hating not having a dad in your life...but that may have been your mother's fault in not providing you with a positive male role model. I DID have a dad in my life...but I wished every single day growing up that my mother would leave him...If you truly don't want to give up your child don't. If after you weigh all the pros and cons you deicde that the best thing for BOTH you and your child is to give the child up then do so. As for the father, don't set your sights for him being around much, although he says he will. Just make sure he is aware of his financial obligation and you supply the child with a good male role model, be it a new boyfriend, or a relative, or just a very good male friend.

Answer 5

If you gave up your baby for this reason alone (possibility of her/him not having a father around) I am sure you would regret this for the rest of your life. Many women raise children alone, you can do it. I agree both parents are very important in childrens lives (luckily I was raised with both). Even if your ex isnt around your child could still have the possibility of having a dad (if you get together with another man). Youre obviopusly capable of holding a long term relationship and have good conmmunication skills as you kept the same man for 7-8 years and your only 22. Teen years are hard and many people change boyfriends MANY times during these years. So you have something special. If you dont hook back up with your ex, Im sure youll find love again and your baby will have a father figure. Being a dad is more then sperm donation.

Because of so many single moms, this concern is a concern of many women-raising kids on your own. There are many programs out there so your child can have a chance to have a male figure in his/her life. For example, big brothers. Social servives can hook your child up with a man who;s willing to commit time every week to being around.

Im sure you can do it. Its a hhuge decision. Of course keep your baby's future in mind, but keep yours in mind too. Sometimes being a single mother is better then putting the kid up for adoption-after all-say you choose a nice couple, they adopt your baby-no one says their marriage is foever. Its very possible they divorce, or one dies. So the child has 50/50 chance of being in a divorced family with one parent anyways (with the 50/50 divorce rate). And since those are the odds, wouldnt you rather be the single mom raising your child compare to another single mom or dad? Just a thought

Anyways I wrote enough here. Good luck with your choice.

Answer 6

Is there a rush to give the baby up? Things can change in an instant. Once those adoption papers are signed there's no turning back. You don't say there is a financial issue. He's only one man...if he doesn't want to raise the child there will be other men willing to step up to that job and help raise the baby. And who knows...maybe he just needs a bit of time to think about the situation. He may come back begging forgiveness. Naturally, your emotions are raw and nerves shot right now. Give yourself some time to heal. One good parent beats the heck out of two bad parents. And just because the baby may start out with one parent doesn't mean things will stay that way. If you were very young I might change this advise but I think you have a good chance to work through this....you said it yourself, you WANT your baby. Sounds like a lucky baby to be wanted...many aren't! Until the baby has a dad around give him or her enough kisses and hugs to cover for two people. Good luck, hun, and God bless! ~ ModX

Answer 7

It's sounds like you are in a very very difficult situation. The decision to put your child up for adoption or to keep him yourself is entirely up to you. I would consider carefully. However, I think you have to have both signatures of parents for adoption. I am not sure however. Also know that when you adopt you screen the people who you want to adopt the child. Or they would have to prove him unfit. My oldest brother was adopted and he is grateful for his biological parents. We are as well. Also know there are things that can help aide you. It is important that if you do not have a job you can get one and stand on your own feet if you are not now. There is Medicaid and food stamps that can provide you and your child for what you need. There are also housing places that base how much you pay off your income and how many are in the household. There are places that will help you, should you decide to keep the baby. It will not be an easy thing. I am pregnant now, but we will adopt when the child is a little older as well. My brother is one of the greatest people a person could ever know. My parents have been divorced but my father has always been there for us children so even though my mom custody during school, my dad would always (every weekend, holiday and summer) drive from MO to AR to see us. I hope your ex is a man and does the right thing. If you decide to get custody, you should file for child support to help support your child.

Answer 8

You will be making the gravest mistake of your life. My name is Patrick and I live in Grand Forks ND and I am telling you that no matter where you live in the US of A you and your baby especialy will be taken care of. Get on MEDICAID and Food Stamps and try and see if you can start to recieve TANF until your b/f can start paying Child Support. Bottom line is that you need to be strong for your son or daughter! I was terrified when at the age of 21 my girlfriend at the time told me she was pregnant. The fear didn't leave until the moment I held my daughter in my arms. I can see where your b/f is going through a lot of the same mental gymnastics as I was going through at the time. Give him some space, but not too much, and keep reassuring him that all will be alright. Your life and your baby's life does not hinge upon the decision made by your b/f. Do not let him make a decision that is completely yours to make!

Answer 9

Don't give up on little one. I don't know how far along you are, but there's a bond. A bond that daddy can't touch, that no one can touch. Keep the baby and love him. If the daddy leaves, so what. You don't want that baby to grow up to find out that he's living with complete strangers. To grow up and have so many questions... would u really wanna feel that guilt later on and would u really wanna give up a life that was growing inside of you? Things don't always work out the way you want them to. Just find supportive ppl. Your friends and your family. Maybe your past wasn't the best but think of all the great things you would have to look forward to with this baby? So many adventures you couldn't even imagine! babies are so much fun. When you first have that baby and hold them in your arms you'll never wanna let go!

Answer 10

In this case, I would say no. If you have enough money, or just BARELY enough to care for the baby, keep it. You'll have to devote all your time to the baby, but believe me, it'll be worth it. While some adoption homes are good, others are traumatizing. My friend went through years of sexual abuse in a few homes.

And who knows? Maybe the whole thing will turn around. Give the situation more time. Don't stress. It causes irrational thinking. In the end, do what you think is best, whether it be to give the baby up or keep it.

Whatever happens in your life, I wish the best of luck.