What the heck is wrong with me?

Question

Why aren't I happy? I'm already on Zoloft, I know it should be working, it's not. I'm miserable. I'm becoming self destructive. I want to hurt myself, not physically, but emotionally. I want to tell my husband I'm leaving, I want to have an affair just to make me feel better (don't worry, I know it won't), I tell myself I'm dumb, and ugly, I let myself associate with people I know will just hurt me. I have a Psych degree, you'd think I'd know better. I'm sitting here crying because I hate me, I hate my life. I want more, but more won't make me happy. I don't think anything will. What do I do? I've seriously considered suicide, but I have a daughter and I could never do that to her. She's the one light in my day. My husband tries, but I don't let him in.

Zoloft has been the best for me. I have tried many others, and the side effects are too severe.

vox: I hope you never become a therapist, you'd never become successful because all your clients would kill themselves.

Answer 1

I guess you will have to figure out which came first, the depression or the bad life. A bad life where you are not happy can make anybody depressed, when there is no escape, and the only things that will fix that are to change your life or change your attitude about the situation or find new coping skills. If you thought your life was pretty good, and now you are sad and everything has turned to ash, you are probably depressed and seeing everything through the lens of depression. Depression warps your thinking, making life seem really bad, even when everything is going fine on the outside. Clinical depression is more than feeling sad. Other things go wrong, too, like your reasoning.

You have to figure out which came first. That is hard. It took me YEARS to figure out it was my bipolar depressions, not my life, that was the problem, and I revamped my life regualarly to escape the depression because I didn't know. If you have a lot of depression in your family, I bet it is just straight depression, chemical imbalance, whatever, and then you have to keep trying other pills until you find something that works and trust that you will like your life once the depression lifts. If you can't figure it out, I personally would advise the same. Maybe you have a great life situation & you wouldn't want to mess it up because you aren't thinking right.

You really ought to tell your husband what is going on and see if he has any helpful insights. My husband helps me a lot, and really, he's just a dumb guy about emotions like a lot of guys are, but he can tell me about my behaviors and when things happened.

***Good luck! *** Make sure you tell your doctor (I HOPE you are seeing a psychiatrist, and not a family doc-your situation is too serious for a family doc) that you are thinking of suicide. (They won't get all hyper and put you in the hospital if it is only suicidal ideation-they get hyper when you have the gun or pills ready to go, etc.) Tellling the doctor that you are thinking of suicide lets him/her know that you are suffering and need an intervention right away.

Answer 2

Your neurotransmitters are a little out of balance is all. You should know that. You should also know that SSRIs don't always relieve the depression symptoms and don't cure a damn thing. They sure didn't do anything for me. What did the trick was a 20 dollar book. (I think it's down to $15 now). It's called "The Feeling Good Handbook" by David Burns, MD. If you really do have a psych degree, then you should already know about cognitive therapy, positive affirmations, self esteem boosting and such. Dr. Burns tells you how to properly apply these in a way that works. It brought me back from where you are. I tried killing myself a couple of times. Since reading the book and diligently applying the techniques until they became automatic, I've been drug and depression free... coming up on two years now.

Start a healthy diet and exercise routine and take some omega 3 caps along with some vitamin B complex. Read my story... you can pull yourself out of it. Just don't ever believe the drugs are going to do it for you or you're in for a miserable time. Check it out... won't cost you a thing except a few minutes of your time. Feel free to email me, if you want to "talk"....
http://www.geocities.com/seabulls69/AntidepressantThatWorks.html

I just read that someone is recommending ect... don't do it.

Answer 3

Sometimes anti-depressents can have the opposite effect they are meant to have. Do you feel worse than you did before you started taking the medication? Are you in any sort of counseling to deal with the negative feelings that you are having? Trust me, things can always get better. I was very depressed last year, but things are wonderful right now. It takes some work, but you need to figure out what is the real reason that you are feeling so terrible? It sounds like you have alot of anger towards your husband. Wanting to have an affair is also very self destructive. Actions like that don't help anyone, but you don't have to stay in an unhappy marriage for your child!! Having an unhappy mommy is just as bad if not worse than having divorced parents. Try to remember the things that make you happy. That might make you feel better in the short term, but you definitely need to talk to a professional. Not because you're crazy, but because everyone needs a little help sometimes.

Answer 4

my father had severe depression for about 3 years, he overdosed a couple times, and was in and out of hospitals the whole time, he was even gone during christmas one year...it was hard seeing him like that. He went into depression a year or so after his mother died...it had finally gotten to him that his step father sexually and physically abused him and his mother did nothing about it. He was the same as you and said that my brother and I were the only ones that were keeping him going. My mom tried as hard as she could to help but it always seemed to be my brother and I that helped the most. I was only in about 8th grade at the time and didn't understand much at that point but I knew that he needed the love. I would worry about him constantly. I knew when he would be stressing out because he would lay on the couch and tap his foot repeatedly on the arm rest and I would just sit there with him. It took him a long time to get through things and he is still working on it. He was out of work for about 5-6 years and has finally started working again. He is still on medication and goes to therapy sessions about once a month.

I havent gone through it myself but if you havent tried it then go to therapy, start a journal, maybe try family therapy. If you feel like you are going to hurt yourself just remember your daughter and how much she means to you, she loves you, and that she never wants you to leave her and if you need to, go to a hospital.

I don't know what I would have done without my father and sometimes i feel like I could have done more to help. Depending on her age your daughter may not know how to react to it all. It sounds like you have a great family that loves you and never wants you to leave. I can't tell you why your not happy, it's just something that depression does to you and I can only offer my luck. PLEASE do not give up, there is always someone out there willing to help, and if you ever just need to talk you can IM me.

Answer 5

Zoloft has a reputation for not being good for a large part of the population needing antidepressants. Don't wait--call your Dr. and ask him for an appt. to reassess your meds. There are new things coming out every week.
Also agree with the poster who suggested exercise and talk therapy. It's hard to get motivated, but it will make the difference for you,your husband and your daughter.

Answer 6

Being happy is way overrated... just kidding. I hear that you are very desperate to find answers. You owe it to yourself to seek help... maybe even elektro shocks? I heard this helps when nothing else helps. You have no idea what your passing through suicide would do to your child. I hope she is under 3 years old, because then she wouldn't remember you too clearly. I'm a survivor of suicide (brother)... trust me- I know what I'm talking about. I would never do something so against our nature ( our nature is to do everything possible to survive- not the opposite- when we start thinking the other way- clearly something is very, very wrong!).... but I have a sadness inside of me that can overcome me at times... I am blessed with a strong mind, though- strong everything (I have Jesus in my heart, too), but a lot of "us" tend to want to do the same.... just to stop the pain. Suicide is like a curse handed down from generation to generation. Don't do anything like this to your daughter. God bless.

Answer 7

I have been out of work for 4 years and have had 3 surgeries. I take care of my father has parkinson's disease and I have thousands of dollars in bills that I cant pay.
Just take 1 moment at a time and focus on one thing that will help you out. For me, I used to watch a TV show and focus on it rather than on my life. It isnt easy, but you can do it. If you need more help, you should consider seeing a doctor for talk therapy and go 3 times a week if you have to. You will feel better, I promise.

Answer 8

I struggle with this sometimes too, i think youve already established that narcisstic things wont fill the void, youll have to keep searching inside until you find what makes you feel ok to get up every mornig and want to breathe, its in there, medication aside i think you need to feed you soul, feed the person inside and not just the chemicals in your brain, nourish yourself with arts and music and try to feel again, feel something other than nothing or destruction and feel something other than commercially feed emtions, feel whatever is in you and let it be whatever is it, give it a platform to grow and evolve and carry you through whatever your sould needs right now in order to move on to a new direction.

Answer 9

humorous the way you ought to aspect out that - my babysitter said an identical ingredient only the former day! i wager someone she is often used with has a baby or 2 with fowl pox or gentle indicators, and she or he continuously heard an identical ingredient, how some human beings imagine that's more desirable sensible as an example them to it and performance it somewhat than vaccinating. I heard that too awhile in the past, although that's really no longer something i might want to pass do. i for my area imagine it really is a ludicrous theory. attempt explaining that to the ER crew once you eventually end up having to take your newborn in for issues stemming from the actual incontrovertible reality that you purposely uncovered them to fowl pox.

Answer 10

It can take a long time to get anti depressant medication to work, and it often takes a few different tries. Call the crisis line in your area (call police dispatch if you don't know the number, they can give it to you) or see a doctor or therapist. Let the crisis line know what you are taking and they can get an appointment with someone who can prescribe more medication or different medication.