Am I a bad parent???????

Question

I have a 3 1/2 almost 4 yr old that has SEVERE BEHAVIOR AND MENTAL ISSUES. She has been diagnosised by a pyscholgist with a whole ray of disorders and issues. I also have a normal 18 month old on top of it. I love BOTH of my children dearly but it can be very trying dealing with a child with such severe problems. Today was a very bad day with her. Much much much worse than normal. I'm talking about meltdowns/tantrum that lasted for hours on end. Please dont tell me just to put her in time out or spank her. She is a SPECIAL NEEDS child who I'm doing my best to handle, raise , and help her learn to be a productive member of society and over come these isssues she has. ANYWAYS I finally called my husband about an hour ago and asked him to PLEASE come home from work on time for once because I had had all I could take and was at my breaking point. He basically told me in so many words I was a bad mom for reaching out for help. Let me remind you again this isnt a normal child,

she's special needs, spanking and time out DONT WORK!!!!!!

Answer 1

NO!!! You are absolutely not a bad parent for asking for help in this situation!!!!!!!! If anything it's the other way around. You are a great parent for realizing that you'd had enough and was on the verge of a breakdown. There are so many parents out there who think that asking for help is weak. In those situations the child is more likely to be abused. I am sorry that your child has these issues. I am sorry that your husband isn't more understanding of the situation. I wish I had some kind of insight to give you on handling her and helping with her behavior. Maybe you could get her into some kind of day time play groups that will help her to socialize with other children, if that is possible & she isn't already in school. I know that special needs children with behavior issues do not respond to normal discepline and punishments. You have to be very creative to handle them. I used to work as a peer tutor in HS with Down Syndrome kids. I loved it, but sometimes they were a real handful!!! I hope that things get better for you and your child!!!!! I wish you the very best!!!!!!

Answer 2

Your Husband is being unrealistic and you are right to reach out for help. I am sure you are doing the best you can but you need help - now! Call the social services and see if there is a program to help you with your child. If you belong to a church see if one of the older women who is at home can give you a 1 hour break a day - don't stop asking for help until you get it even if you have to call the united way for assistance in finding assistance.Have her diet evaluated - believe it or not there can be a good deal of this behavior attributed to dietary imbalance or food allergy. I know it will be work to find the food culprit(s) but once you do and you keep her away from those foods you will have a lot less to battle. Most western MD's and Psychologists never test for food allergy unless it is physically obvious but allergies manifest in different ways with different people - you should look into it. Good Luck and I hope things get better!

Answer 3

You are not a bad parent. Even those of us who have children who are not special needs can reach our breaking point some days. Parenting is hard under the best circumstances, and you have extra challenges thrown in. Your husband was wrong to tell you that and he should be more understanding, it's better for you to reach out for help than to let yourself go past your boiling point. In fact your husband was being a jerk. I'm not sure what you can do to make him understand. Look into different services your community provides, like a special needs pre-school, a Head-start program, or even respite care to give you a break. If your daughter is not in the public school system yet, call them and find out how to get her in their system. Many schools start offering programs for children after they reach the age of 3 if they are special needs. Like the first person said, she should have an IEP which will spell out what kind of help the school should provide her. Also, I know it's hard, but try to get a least a few minutes to yourself each day, and try to get some daily exercise and connect with adult friends to relive some of the stress of your day. I wish you and your kids the best of luck.

Answer 4

Wow, your husband is not being understanding or considerate at all. What kind of a person says that to the mother of his child that stays home and deals with such a difficult child.
I give you a lot of credit for doing what you do, my son does not have mental issues but he is still very very difficult and makes me cry all the time. I call my hubby too and complain and he says he gets so upset for me that he becomes almost paralyzed and can't continue working and wants to just race home to help me. Everyone is different and one person's level of compassion and understanding can be so different than that of another. Iff he wants a successful marriage and happy family, he needs to learn some compassion and put more time into helping you deal with the children. Men are not supposed just work and make money, granted we love it that they do and appreciate that they do, there is a lot more involved in being a father and husband.

Answer 5

It sounds like he is not a supportive husband, people that don't have children or work all day so they do not spend the majority of their time raising a child do not understand so you have to show him. Leave him at home for the day and go do something for yourself and let him see how difficult it is. I am a single mom of a 6 y/o boy trust me I understand how hard it is sometimes you need a break and that is for anyone that has kids. You need a lot patience and it is A LOT of work your not a bad mother your just drained and if he cant understand that then let him do it and he will see how it feels

Answer 6

I totally understand my daughter who is now 12 has autism
I have been home since she was born.It's hard taking care of a special needs child.Just remember God knew what he was doing when he gave her to you you are a great mom I'm sure .No matter what your husband says
he does not know what you go through on a daily basis.
For him to say your a bad mom is so wrong.You have to talk to him, it sounds like his job is an escape for him not to have to deal with issues at home.I'm sorry I don't have all the answers I wish I could help more.Try to be patient
trust me it gets better,my daughter still has her moments but you get use to it and you learn with time how to handle the situation.Spanking is never the answer
she needs you to love her and support her.When she's having a bad day give her lots of hugs and kisses
talk to her, tickle her .Let her know that your always there for her.Stay Strong ,no matter what your husband says
you know your doing your best!

Answer 7

ALL moms - even ones with children that aren't special needs have a breaking point and get exhausted and frustrated and need a break.. we are human just like the children's fathers. When your husband gets home and after the kids are in bed - talk to him. Tell him that everyone needs help even super moms like yourself and the fact that he made you feel like a horrible parent because you reached out to him hurts you more than words can express. Tell him you realize that he works hard all day but so do you. See what he says. Good Luck Honey!

Answer 8

I have a special needs child and have been in the same position. You do have to learn how to deal with it on your own even though it can be very stressful. Have you tried to get her into a behavioral management program? My daughter just qualified for that and we will get 4 hrs a day, 5 days a week of help/training for her. Do you get respite? If so, bring them in while you are there to help you out a few hours a week so you can have some quality time alone or with your baby. BTW, your hubby should be a little more understanding and maybe you should leave him alone one of these weekends and go out with the girls. See how he does.

Answer 9

I'm not going to say you're a bad parent. I will say it doesn't matter how normal or atypical your child is, there still needs to be consistency and expectation in her day. If you want to post her disability, level of function, antecedents and triggers, and ask for some feedback, there are many parents here who have dealt with problem behaviors.

I have several children with severe special needs, and yes, it is a LOT of work. It gets easier as they grow older and start to understand your expectations. You need to work with a psychologist regularly (at this age at least once a week) to develop behavior management plans and to define exactly what she understands and an effective means of consequences.

Finally, depending on where you live, there are programs that provide money and/or personnel to help you cope with a child with disabilities. Contact the support group for your child's disability and ask them about the programs. You are most definitely not alone, and to lock yourself up and try to deal with this alone will lead you to insanity.

Your dh probably needs help as well. Men in particular have a hard time coping with a disabled child. He may well be in denial, or may be stressed trying to provide enough money to pay for therapy or such. You really need outside assistance in the form of respite agencies.

Good luck.

Answer 10

Just because you need help with raising a child does not mean that your a bad parent. Try to treat your child the way you think is the best way you can,but i also don't agree with spanking. Maybe you can join parenting class for people with children that are special, im sure they have those types of classes.