How can i marry a man who i cheated on in the past whom i never told?

Question

He knows that I have been unfaithful in the past. However, he does not know that i was sexually involved with another man. I don't kow if i can marry him and not tell him the truth. My mother says take it to the grave. lol. We have been together for 7 years and i have prolonged and engagement because of this fact. please give me some guidence on this matter

Answer 1

Shellie,

Do you think that things would get better after you're married?

"Take It To The Grave," huh? Then you laugh about it.

You don't respect this man. You're doing both him and yourself a disservice by even contemplating a marriage.

You will do what you want, after all. It will end in disaster.

Answer 2

its bothering you already so if you keep it in and get married its just a matter of time till you slip and go crazy and end up telling him. You need to get this off your chest and tell him, you will feel so much better. If he already knows some of what happend than thats good, than it wont be too much of a shocker. Sit him down and make out that its nothing big and its not a big deal tell him that if he remembers when long ago you were unfaithful and explain to him what really happend, tell him it was a one time thing and it was just bothering you that he didnt know the whole story, tell him that you have came a long way and it will never happen again. If you explain it to him, make sure he hears the whole story. i am sure he will understand and move on, and be happy your honest. Make a pack that from that day on you both will never have any sercerts from one another ever! But no matter what you do, you really should tell him, he deserves to know!

Answer 3

Well, my take on it is this...Ask yourself, what is to be gained by telling him? The only benefit I can see is that it clears your consience. You have not been dishonest with him in that he knows you have been unfaithful. Does he need to know the sorted details and/or to what extent. If it really is in the past, I would leave it exactly there. If your relationship has been solid since then and you are confident going forth, I agree with your mother....take it to your grave! Sometimes the desire to be honest is so ingrained in us, we feel the need to divulge any and all details we deem may be relevant in a particular circumstance. However, you've not been dishonest. He knows you've been unfailthful. Sometimes you need to balance honesty with compassion. Does he need to know and why? It would only hurt him, and for what benefit? To purge yourself? To ease your consience? In my opinion, which may not be the same as many others, I think that would actually be rather selfish (no offense intended). If you absolutely cannot live with yourself without divulging this information to him, then yes, decide that now and tell him. However, be prepared for whatever consequences follow. He will definately be hurt, his heart broken, and possibly the end of your relationship or at least the end of your relationship as you know it. Things may never be the same. Some people have a very difficult time not allowing feelings to override logic and facts, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. If you are confident in the relationship and yourself, and choose to spare his feelings, forget about it forever. Don't ever even contemplate bringing it up ever again. TAKE IT TO YOUR GRAVE!!! Mother is always right, lol.

P.S. And to those of you who may think so based on my post...I am NOT a dishonest person. I am very honest, and very compassionate. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is not tell somebody something they don't need to know. That's all. It's a matter of putting someone else's feelings and needs before your own.

Answer 4

ok, here is the deal Shellie.

You don't sound like the type of person who wants to be tied down to begin with since you say you have been unfaithful in the past, and if you have been engaged already for some time and still holding back secrets then how can you expect to to live a happy life with this man if you can't tell him everything.

I say tell him, and if he can forgive you and still marry you then you need to go to the next question of "DO YOU REALLY WANT TO MARRY HIM"

In my opinion, and this comes from not knowing you at all but just seeing this question.....I don't think you need to be getting married.

P.S. I was also engaged to a woman at one time who cheated on me and kept it a secret for to long instead of telling me sooner. The longer you wait to tell, the worse it is.

Answer 5

Shelly- are you going to be faithful to him in marriage? Is this marriage a forever marriage or one that you feel you can quickly leave if you so choose? If it has taken you 7 years to build trust... does he really have it? He probably never really will, fyi. You need to weigh this one out and talk it out.. because if don't, due to this, then you should both walk away. I feel that I would tell my man... however in your case he does know of the goings on, just not to the depth with one man... He is aware in his heart otherwise he would have not taken so long to get to this point. He is evaluating whether he can now trust you in the future... not the past. If you are honest and will make him the happiest he will ever be, with you, then there is no need to bring up what has happened in the past since he knows inside what you had done. He knows and is now behind you... Leave then the past behind... but only Shelly, if you are going to do him right. He has forfeited many years of his life on you... if you in your heart are not going to give him the best of life... then tell him and part. Be honest and fair about what you are doing and who you are. The damage will do him good to get over you and move on into the future with a more deserving woman. Just deal with doing the right thing. Dont ever marry a man who you will not be faithful to. If you are going to be his everything.... and he yours... then move forward together.
Now, if it were me in the situation I would tell- and hopefully he would be over it and it should be something never mentioned again. I beleive in 100% honesty with my partner. Without honesty how can one ever really have the kind of relationship that one desires? Lies destroy.

Answer 6

I am sorry to tell you this, your are signing yourself up for a marrage that you are not committed to. You NEED to TELL HIM. You are essentially cheating on yourself and also him as well. You are being really unfair and saying that you should take it to the grave is really selfish. Think about if you were in the oppostie situation. You would feel cheated if you knew your spouse had secrets from you. IF You dont tell him now and deal with it now THIS WILL HAUNT YOU. These things never go away. You need to be open, communicate and be understanding. If you are true with your feelings and you know that you only want to be with this guy forever in marriage then you have nothing to fear. BUT if you have doubts, I think marriage is not the best idea at the moment.

You need to talk to him BEFORE marriage. Be open honest, and empathetic. You need to realise that he will hate you at first but if he truly loves you and realises how honest you were in telling him, the truth, he will come around.

If you truly love this guy PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE be fair to him. We only have one life and if you dont love him I think he should deserve someone who does. Dont You?

Answer 7

Although your mother may be able to take something like that to the grave, it doesn't sound as if you are the type of person who really could. It sounds to me like you NEED to tell him. You need to set the record straight so that you can be forgiven and move on. It sounds like if you don't tell him, you will feel guilty and scare that he will find out for the rest of your life. Personally, I would tell him -- keeping secrets like that is not something that I could do.

Answer 8

Having done this for the past 7 years I go with your mother. Mother knows the best and the policy of f**k and forget is to be followed and carry on with your life as if nothing has happened. I only hope the man with whom you had an affair does not interfere with your life. good luck.----------

Answer 9

Well since he knows you cheated on him in the past I say let it go. If you truly love him and he is willingly to take you back which he has, then let it go. You will NOT accomplish anything by telling him. Good Luck.

Answer 10

Ignore the bleeding hearts here....

...if you plan to never do it again and really love him... take it to the grave and dont worry about it.

If you tell him... i can almost guarantee you that your wedding could be off!