My 14 yo StepDaughter wears thongs, make up, and ran away?

Question

I have a step daughter who is 14. She ran away Friday and I want to make some changes.
Is it wrong for me to not allow her to wear thong underwear, thick black eyeliner, 2 tone hair (Half Black, Half Blonde), or go on vegan diets? (Even though her mother and father (my husband) said it is ok)
Her father and I have had her for 2 years, Her mother is somewhat involved.
She does not represent herself as I would like.
Knowing she represents me and her father in a bad way.
Is it wrong for me to want to take all this away from her?
My husband said it will make it for a rough relationship with his daughter if he were to do that. I feel she may hold a grudge, but once she is an adult she will forgive him knowing she can think like an adult and not a child.

Please help!

Answer 1

Other then the thong underwear and the eyeliner is your stepdaughter a decent kid? Does she get good grades in school? I mean we all had our statements that we made as teenagers. I sometimes have to remind myself of this. As long as she is good otherwise i am almost sure that the trend will pass. Also, she does have a mother that is somewhat involved in her life.

Answer 2

Whether or not your stepdaughter wears thongs, make up or her hair is 2 tone are issues that concern her father and mother only. A step mother or father should not interfere with what should be the job of the mother or father. If you do your stepdaughter will only resent you for it. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it's true. The role of a step mom or dad is not easy and takes a lot of patience. Any discipline should be handled by her father. My husband tried to be a father to my two children and failed because he assumed the role of their father. My children came to resent him for this. I know now that if I had handled all discipline our lives would have been much easier.
Your stepdaughter is only 14 and believe me it only gets worse before it gets better. You can save yourself a lot of heartache by changing the way you react to her now. It's too late for me, my children are already grown However it's not too late for her or you. Insist that your husband step up and take responsibility, be a father. Don't let him shift the responsibility off on you. I suspect that he doesn't want to discipline her because he doesn't want to be the bad guy. Well that's what parenting is all about, being the bad guy once in a while. Children usually have enough friends they need parents that will guide and teach them to become healthy, happy and responsible adults. Good luck!

Answer 3

Number one your only STEP MOM. Number two I think her wearing thongs and having two toned hair has nothing to do with what the real problem is. My daughter is 13 years old wears thongs and also has two toned hair. My daughter is a straight A honor student and gives me no trouble at all. I think the real problem here is her home life not the other crap. Just because you may not like her choice of style doesn't mean you should try and make her your little pretty princess child. If you do this to her you will soon find that she still won't be any different but probably even worse. Like I said before though your only STEP MOM and as far as I'm concerned you need to butt out of this and let her father and her mother handle this.

Answer 4

She is your step daughter, not your daughter, you don't take away anything. You need to leave that up to her father.
The problem here isn't what kind of underwear she's wearing or the make up she's wearing. I think you know that.
If you're worried about her image embarrassing you, get over it. She's a teenager- it's going to happen no matter how hard you fight it. You need to be more concerned about what is going on in her head than you are about her hair or the fact that she is trying to do some good in this world with her vegan diet.
If you want to try to change the way she wears make up, why don't you plan a girls day out, bring her to the mall and talk to one of the cosmotologists there. Have the cosmotologist give her make up advice. They give advice for free in the hopes that you will buy their products and it gets you off the hook for sounding judgemental. As far as the vegan diet, have you ever considered supporting her with that? Tell her that you will make everyattemt to accomidate her with this so long as she talks to a doctor or a nutritionist about it so she is armed with all the knowledge she needs to be healthy with it.
But believe me when I say, it is not your place to disipline her. That is between her father and mother to do.
Good Luck!

Answer 5

Why do you call her 17-1/2 just like a chlld would do? She's 17! She is NOT 18 and not legally an adult. 17 year olds are notoriously emotional and overly dramatic. Her hormones are running rampant. Of course she wants to be with you! She's only been there since Friday. Is she pitching in with the chores? Doing her homework? Or is it party-time? Why are you catering to her behavior instead of speaking privately with the adults in this situation? And in your first sentence you should say your stepdaughter "wants" (not want) to run away. And how can someone move them all "to WA to CA." Which is it? WA? Or CA? You can move someone FROM somewhere TO somewhere else. You need to consult with an attorney. If you are truly serious about this you and your husband won't mind paying for the legal work. Why do you whine and say "no one will help us?" The police and CPS can only enforce what the COURT has ordered. They are not there to listen to you go on and on - they have to follow the judge's orders! Are you an adult or a teenager yourself?! You should know all this before you decide to take over the custody and responsibility of raising a teenager. Are you prepared to pay for her college education? (Not that I believe for one minute that she will actually have the self-discipline to go to college.) You'd better sit down with an attorney and educate yourself about what is required before you listen to some teenager's dramatic pleas.

Answer 6

I think that she's 1st of all old enough 2 pk out what kind of underwear she wants 2 wear.I wuldn't put up w/her running away.But,as far as her hair n stuff...she's 14.She's not a baby.U have 2 give her room 2 evovle in2 her own person.Let her breathe.Become an indisiual.I'm sure she's a great girl.But,the hair & underwear don't make the person.How can u expect her 2 grow up 2 b a good woman,when u won't let her grow up.B patient w/her.Give her time.She'll come around.

Answer 7

I think your husband is just trying to play it safe. For divorced parents with children, it is hard for a child to see that their parent has moved on, and the parents know this. So in order to keep peace between themself and the child, they limit the restrictions that they have on them in order to keep their love. That's not the right way to go. His fear can cause his daughter's destruction. Make the changes. Both of you need to think about the future. If you choose to have children, do you think that his daughter would be a good role model for them? If the answer is no then changes should be made. I would never tolerate that kind of behavior from my kids and my mother would not tolerate it from me. With everything you described, it is a strong possibility that she has been having sex. Young girls having sex either leads to pregnacy or STDS. To many people are walking around this world with diseases for parents to not be careful with their kids. If something were to happen to his daughter, I'm sure you husband would feel terrible. But he probably would not be able to handle life anymore if he knew that he could have saved his daughter had he acted like a father and not a friend. You need to have a serious talk with him again and let him know that him letting his daughter behave in this manor is not helping savor their relationship. It is hurting it.

Answer 8

I'm sorry that this is causing you so much trouble, but make-up and thongs are little things, and you are not her mother. That sounds harsh - you have custody perhaps you care for her like a daughter, but more than likely she just sees you as an interloper. Back off. Let her father do some disciplining - if he won't chances are he's leaving you to be "evil stepmother."

Let her do as she pleases with the little things, and perhaps she won't rebel so much. Perhaps she won't resent you so much.

Answer 9

i think you're being too hard. stop trying so much.all teenagers go through this(apart from you obviously).im sorry but i was a step-child and my step-father was great but he always compromised so we both agreed on things. you just want things your own way with no middle ground. i think it's you who is holding a grudge not your step-daughter. lighten up, take her out for the day be girlie. you never know you may enjoy it.you may push your husband away too if you dont relax your opinions a bit more.

Answer 10

Don't barge into her life and tell her what is best for her your not her mom and most likely shell run away again. My step mother did that to me and said i made my dad look bad etc. im not a bad kid everyone has a diff personality.let her be as long as shes not hurting u in anyway.